Relationship Any Ideas What I Should Do Now?

[Glara]

He suggested me to come a day earlier than I planned. I got excited and booked a flight and sent him the itinerary. A few days later he texted that he had to work, and wouldn't be able to see me as much. I answered it would be even less time, because my flight arrived very late. Later he was texting asking if I was mad. I didn't answer until the next day. I was upset because I don't want to take a cab at midnight, he told me he'd pick me up at the airport. I explained this to him and he became defensive. He suggested I visit my dad, who isn't speaking to me, which I also explained to him. I also told I still want to see him. He never answered.

On Thanksgiving I texted telling him I had hoped to hear from him and he answered he's at work, not in a good mood. Haven't heard from him since. I texted this morning that I'm worried, he hasn't answered. He hasn't been on Facebook in days. Now I'm getting really worried because he was suicidal last month. I don't know what to do. I am really worried...

 

[Glara]

I broke down and texted him. He answered. It seems like he's upset with himself and knows ibwa upset with him. I was. But I also know if In going to be with him I have to have back up plans. I forgot. I believe he has to work but I also think he works as much as he dos to avoid things.

 

[Justmehere]

If you are concerned he is in danger of himself, please tell him that this is your concern and that you will call for outside help to check on him if he doesn't get back in touch with you soon. If he doesn't respond, call for help. A hotline or mobile crisis.

As far as the trip, it sounds like he is avoiding spending much time with you. This has to be heartbreaking. I think it might be worthwhile looking into how it will be for you if you go and you spend very little time with him. How he is treating you is very badly. To spend all that time and money to go see him, and it sounds like he is not making much of an effort to be available. You can't change him, but you get to decide if it is ok with you or not, and tell him so, directly and clearly, and give him a chance to change his own actions or not.

Also, the less texting and the more talking over the phone, the better. So much about tone can go off the rails on text. If you can, call him. Talk to him. Let him hear your voice on his voicemail. If anything, it is harder to say no to someone with a voice, easier to say no on text.

I think with the loss of a relationship with your father, and this boyfriend who is also absentee a lot, it would be a really good idea to talk to a counselor to get some support for you. It's a lot of heartache and pain to be going through - you deserve support and kindness and someone to be there for YOU. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[darrenS]

Firstly as much as he has problems as all sufferers do , i dont think its too much to ask for a bit of decent and simple respect. He is an adult , and if he is having problems then he has to deal with them. To leave you in fear that he may be suicidal, thats neither fair nor healthy and i could imagine the stress of it along with everything else your dealing with is driving you crazy. I understand as a sufferer , some of our behaviour and how it impact our loved ones, but i also understand there is a limit to the amount of suffering i inflict. i do not do it intentionally, but that does not remove the fact i am responsible for my behavior.

To protect yourself and your survival i would recommend that you set clear rules and boundaries, and do not accept the ptsd behavior, but rather be honest and state your needs, what you expect and need in order to maintain your part - the more we let something happen , the more it will continue , and its not like you have to go gung ho, but rather state your needs calmly and succinctly. You cannot maintain a relationship if all the needs being met are one sided and your walking on egg shells, and your constantly in fear not knowing what the next move may be.

 

[Glara]

@Justmehere, first, I'm glad you're doing a little better, and I appreciate you answering me while going through your own crisis.

He did respond to my last text and I thanked him for responding. My trip is actually to see a friend who's daughter passed away. He asked me to come a day earlier to spend more time with him. I was only going to see him one day while she has to work. And a few days later he said he has to work. I do think he avoids spending time with me, which is why I never should've added the extra day. When he asked me to come early I was just happy. I have to remember that he will do this. It's especially hard because he can be suicidal. I never know when to be angry and when to be worried.

As for my Dad he's been like this as long as I can remember. I've never known any different.

Thank you so much for posting, I really appreciate your concern.