Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

I guess what I mean is, what is probably hard (or even impossible) for people to understand, even good people, and maybe even (some) T's, is the depth or intensity of the 'crap' that comes with this. Not their fault at all, just beyond them, maybe because they simply can't imagine it, or it doesn't even cross their mind. Not what I would call mood swings, or even intense feeling (though it can present itself as that), but the connections, or triggers, or learned behaviours, or whatever they all are, even the physiological component, that makes smaller things difficult, or come with fear of repercussions. Like experiencing the feeling of terror, vs fear.

My analogy is, I recall my aunt about 6 months before she died, filling in a birthday card for me. She was happy/ giggly/ herself. But (I knew) it was so difficult, she had 2 types of severe Arthritis, was dying herself, numerous other health problems, for that matter. But oh no, she sure wanted to. And when I had it (the card, I don't now), I always knew how hard it must have been for her to do it. I didn't cherish it because it was the 'last', or likely would be (I mean, any one 'could' be, none of us know the future). But simply because it was so hard for her to do, it was one heck-of-a gift. (Not to say disclosure at therapy is a gift, but it's hard-fought to 'give', as it were, or I would expect it to be.)

I don't feel that even 'good' T's, for the most part, 'get' how difficult it is. Not going by what people have said sometimes on this forum.

 

[Tinyflame]

My mom said a similar thing, like for eg, getting a particular Christmas present, and she'd say, "(and) I know how much you hate to have to shop (go into) that store!"

But I guess, if anyone understood it, they'd have to have it. That I wouldn't wish for, at all. :(

I mean, oddly enough, I appreciate times (or things) being able to be minimized. But someone really has to be wise, to realize when it's beneficial, or when it has the opposite affect. Hard to expect that of even T's, I imagine.

 

[Tinyflame]

Then again, maybe I wouldn't respond to 'conventional' things, I'm not really conventional. Maybe God has other plans, who only knows. :(

 

[Abstract]

Dear (((Junebug)))

I think I understand what you are saying. Shall come back to you. Much :inlove: and hoping you have a peaceful day.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Maybe I found a few brain cells.

I am going to answer but please feel free to correct me if I am getting anything wrong. Just want to clarify more before answering properly.

Referring to your list of reasons T won’t suit you.

1. I am guessing that you are thinking that talking is good only if you get relief from it and it makes you feel good. ? I am also wondering why you think there will be no feedback. Understanding though that you are puzzled as to the reason to speak if someone can’t “fix” it for you.
2. That you worry that speaking about it will make you feel worse about it as you will then have a part of you needing to be heard and to be helped and you don’t think that will happen.
3. Your instincts tell you to avoid speaking about and you think other people have a need and drive to speak about it. That maybe you think some people enjoy the role (in a sense) of being seen as having had abusive experiences and surviving them but for you you feel ashamed and don’t want people to know.
4. That you cant see the value of doing something that will make you feel worse and worse still paying for it.
5. You feel it will be money badly spent and will not help you and waste their time.
6. You don’t want to talk about it and paying someone to do something you don’t want to do seems counter intuitive.
7. You don’t trust anyone to be able to safely hear you.
8. You have serious trouble speaking about things in general and don’t think anyone will be able to understand that. Also how difficult it is to ask for help.
9. You don’t believe getting feedback from someone will clarify anything.
10. You don’t trust that a T will be able to understand the triggers and how it feels to be triggered and them not understanding feels threatening to you.
11. There are times you find it helpful for your experiences to be minimised and times where you find it problematic to not be understood and affirmed and you don’t think a T would be able to deal with that.
12. You feel you respond differently to other people and that therefore what works for them wont for you.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh dear Abstract- so much work. Thank you. I guess some I agree with above, perhaps much more is correct and I simply can't 'get the drift'. I can only try to answer honestly, to the above points:

1. No, I dn't expect the end result of talking to be good, it would depend on feedback and future processing. I don't find reaching out in 'real life' provides much feedback, and I hear people say they barely speak in therapy, or neither their T or they (sometimes) speak. I yes, definitely know it's no one else's 'job' to fix me. But listening to my own thoughts hasn't worked, so I can't foresee it being any more productive for others to hear them.
2. Yes, I think that won't happen, but (and) even saying it I will feel worse, regardless of anything else.
3. Yes, I feel ashamed, personally, but I don't draw any conclusions about others. If speaking helps them, or they want to, that's great.
4. Yes, absolutely.
5. Yes. Waste both of our time.
6. Yes. Because I don't foresee it as being constructive.
7. I guess so. I'm not quite sure what that means? :sorry: :(
8. Trouble speaking about 'that' stuff, sure. I don't care if they understand, just asking for help usually I regret, bad choice.
9. No, I think feedback is the only way to clarify anything. Or at least to see if another perspecive exists (or not).
10. I think T's simply make their living out of doing their job. That is, I think that's a moot point either way.
11. I wouldn't be here if I didn't minimize, I don't think I'd be able to even get through one day presently if I couldn't/ didn't. It's discouraging or disheartening to not be understood, but I don't expect affirmation. I think a T could deal with it fine, as long as they are paid, I don't think they would care less one way or another. It's 'myself' who doesn't need to feel more badly, on top of feeling as I do already.
12. No, I'm not sure what works for anyone. I just know what I've tried to do on my own in the past, and how I feel now. I do believe some people are kind of 'farther-gone', than others (ie me). I think that's perhaps because it's a longer time, the losses compound, if nothing else, or it's more complicated, or more likely I just lack the necessary abilities requisite for talking about it or dealing with it, or whatever, I don't really know 'what', exactly? It sounds 'silly' but I don't think my heart could take it.

Thank you dear Abstract, I don't have much strength to wrap my head around (all) this stuff and 'rebound' like people do. :(

Biggest of hugs for your help, time, kindness, patience, :hug:, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

PS, Abstract, it's ok, not like I posted a thread on 'How to get to Therapy'. Just cannot go back in time and 'un-learn' lessons I've learned. Post ptsd, I mean.

It's not even about trust, I wouldn't trust them, beyond having to trust they'd be professional and respect confidentiality requirements. But to me, T is just paying for someone's expertise in their field to be shared, purchasing it, actually. (A business requirement). I can't see being able to say 'feelings', beyond saying what they were (technically). No way no how would I be able to drop defenses, though I'd be honest (my requirement).

I suspect I could get that much from books.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

OMGosh Abstract, was just thinking, that it's really stupid of me to write even this thread- I don't mean it ungratefully- and that's with you just being kind, and it's 'free', to boot! :(

I am hopeless in that department.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

((Junebug)) I am thinking of you and wishing you well. Big hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you, Dear Gizmo, same here :hug:.

And I thought, it's good to let this thread die off.

Some of the 'abuse' I've taken in the past (not here, of course!) actually has an accurate component. That is, the same can be expressed by non-abusive people, through words or actions. So the delivery is kinder, but the meaning is the same. Though the truth doesn't hurt the same way!

Also, it's difficult to accept when family doesn't love you. Not quite sure what made me so 'unlovable' or what, but there it is. I understand how it feels when those who are 'likely' (or 'supposed'?) to love you don't. But so be it, those kind of truths are hard to swallow but remain the same.

Oh well. Much love and thanks to all! Xox, M. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug,

I hope what I wrote did not make you feel threatened or uncomfortable. :hug: If you would rather I didn't then I can absolutely stop discussing T and I won't respond to the list like I was going to.

I am very sorry you were not loved and not treated kindly by your family. Children are never unlovable ever. It is peoples garbage that is taken and dropped onto us that makes others not love or care for us appropriately. And blaming ourselves is exactly what happens when we have problems taking responsibility for others junk all the time. These things hurt deeply.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Abstract, I'm surprised that you even responded now, let alone in the future! It was wrong of me to say that, in that I know you are psyching up (as it were) to try to go yourself. I say Go For it, and spit it out. Who's to say that that idea isn't kicking around in your head precisely because you will have great success with it (therapy). :)

Thank you, yes, well, am not sure for a kid who was so-called "Can't believe how sweet that kid is", I engendered some of the response or treatment I did. Funny because, I (personally) even love the Dennis-the-Menace-Calvin-and-Hobbes kids (my favorite. :) ) I know, or I guess, it was that (what you said). I also know in my mind I figure if your family can't love you (who knows you best), you (I) must be as defective as they say. Maybe REALLY BAD, or worse, because on the outside I look (half-as*ed, anyway :rolleyes: ) 'normal' but I must be damaged to the core.

I'd appreciate what you have to say about therapy, (but only if you want to). And not if it takes too much out of you. :( One thing however to always be certain of, don't ever worry 'how' I'll react to anything said. If I am triggered, that's ok too, then I can look for 'why'.

Big Heartfelt Hugs nonetheless and always, :hug:.