Relationship Any Way Of Setting Boundaries With Someone That Has C-ptsd From Childhood

[Geo]

I have posted on here about my wife who has c-ptsd from bad childhood sexual trauma,

I am wondering if their is a way of setting safe boundaries with her that don't come across as attackful or seeming like I am hatefull towards her, I am coming across as nice and supportive with the whole antidepressants and oviously for seeing her trauma therapist for her issues, part of her traits she excibits from childhood has given her certain alterations in brain perception and even to extent personality differences too, in my opinion as I can see it right in front of me, 1 she lies lots, bends reality, 2 she acts out from I am assuming flashback trauma realization and disasociating from life, I know what she does can potentially have dangerous repucussions for what she hides from me and many others, even with her knowing that I know what she does, she still at moments comes off like I don't know what is going on, if someone confronts her on things she backs away and fights back and becomes pretty nasty with words till she decides to calm back down, we have two kids and oviously my main priority is to keep them safe, and I now know that I even am my wife's main safety from herself too I have been this whole relationship now that I know what she is dealing with, and how she copes and re victimized herself and re living trauma with what she keeps doing, I am giving all family as much info on c-ptsd as I can so she can have as positive of support system as she can to hopefully keep her on the therapy journey as I know that combined with her meds is best chances of healing from all her trauma but I am also afraid of what could happen depending on her flashback association and or disasociation, as the chances of re victimization can become a reality if she so chooses and that is what scares me, I am working nights now new job and I am not home, she is on her own with kids and I sometimes think that she can phone a guy and being them into home and have something happen, myself and her mom plus my brother have already had a couple talks with her in sense of saying what we know is going on and that don't necisairly work, she fights it and even missed one therapy session already prob because we all came down on her at once to hard so I have been trying to rebuild a sense of trust back in with her, she got so mad with me after we came down on her that she said some pretty nasty words towards me, but week after she apologized for getting so angry and said that she knows that I am trying hard to help her and support her through this difficult time and she appreciates my effort,

 

[Deleted member 541]

If she continues to act like a child by acting out, then treat her as such. She has to be held responsible for her actions, words and behavior. Call her out when she's wrong. Not in an attacking manner, but explaining where or what she is doing isn't right. Boundaries boundaries boundaries for you to put in place also....

Try couples therapy, to see if there are other ways that the 2 of you can work together to straighten things/issues out.

PTSD isn't easy to deal with, it's a bitch having it.

 

[Geo]

Thank you for your reply, her trauma councillor wants her to deal with things for herself first for few months before any actual couples therapy is what she thinks anyways, but I know currently right now she is in contact with at least 15 different men, by way of text messaging 6 of those guys live in same town as we do the others are scattered at different places in Canada and down in states, I have been reading lots on the whole re victimization associated with c-ptsd that's the thing that can scare me with having kids, I use to be home every night and now I am not and I know my wife absolutely hates being alone even with kids, she has a deep abandement and constant attention seeking, but in a bad way oviously to do with her trauma which I greatly empathize over as I am that kind of guy and I do care a lot for her and my kids, but safety is key here, I have thought about couples therapy too once she has gone through some self help for her, at least coming from her therapist mouth that was important for her to help herself first before we attempted to go as a couple but yea she lyes a lot and down plays the seriousness of what she does, she doesn't omit that by voice but omits it by writing and self check marking traits that she has from her trauma, only way I know that is her ptsd work sheets she brought back home from her councillor she gave to me to look through and chat about certain things, but if I come up to her and try and say that she is doing certain things she reverts back to those traits lying and covering over what she does, she never omits certain things to me but will openly say certain things to others but people who are not as close to her which I don't take personally as that is also a sign of ptsd pushing the ones that are close away,

 

[Sweetpea76]

The buck definitely stops at the safety of your children. I wouldn't care what impact it had on her, but the stipulation that no random strange men be in the house with the children should be firm and non-negotiable. One strike you're out. Mental illness be damned. There has to be a line in the sand when it comes to the kids at the very least.

You are allowed that boundary as a parent. Kids have to make so many allowances in this situation as it is, their safety should not be one of them.

You are allowed that boundary. You are allowed that boundary.

 

[Geo]

The buck definitely stops at the safety of your children. I wouldn't care what impact it had on her,...

Yea I agree with you on that, but bad thing is, I don't think she sees that at this point, which is why I worry and will prob find another day time job again so I can return home for the nights just to cement real safety just in case, I have a lot of empathy for my wife from all her trauma but doesn't mean I don't also have concerns and issues with safety depending on what she might be capable of with in her trauma induced flashback amygdala high jackings,

 

[Sweetpea76]

It doesn't matter if she sees the point. Boundaries are about you, not her. They're your line.

You can't alter somebody else's behavior, but you have control over how you respond to it. Your allowed to set a line, and you do not have to take any other opinion into consideration.

For example, instead of saying "you can't do x", it's "doing x is not OK with me. If you chose to do x, I will not tolerate it. I will do y (leave, remove myself, not participate, etc)".

So your boundary could be "I will not tolerate random, strange potentially dangerous men around my children. It is non negotiable. If you do so, I will leave and take them ( or take them to a sitter when you're at work, or whatever your solution may be)."