Anyone Else Do Things Unaware?

[batgirl]

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced engaging in activities and then not remembering having done any of them. I've been having a few bad days because of my trauma anniversary. I was online yesterday, and I vaguely recall posting in my trauma diary, but then I blanked out. At some point in the blankness I guess I also posted elsewhere and sent PMs to people. Parts of what I wrote I have no recollection of and I'm really embarrassed. I didn't say anything horrible to anyone, in fact the messages were pretty coherent, but I don't remember typing them!!

I drew a HUGE picture on my bedroom wall in permanent black marker, and I have no memory of that either. Then I called my aunt and uncle and said a bunch of weird ass shit to them, enough that they were concerned and called back to talk to Brian (he's here right now). Sometime after the phone call, Brian couldn't find me. Turns out I had gone for a walk, and I was out for about 20 minutes. He was really upset, he even went out in his truck looking for me. Finally he saw me coming home, and said I was walking like I was drunk (I don't do drugs or alcohol at all though). He asked me where the hell I'd been, I said something weird that made no sense, and then went to bed. I awoke later to find all this stuff had happened, but with no recollection of it. Brian said during it I looked really distant and my pupils were dilated.

Is there anything I can do to prevent this in the future?? It really scared me.

Evie

 

[Deleted member 93]

Think any meds may be doing this? Is this new for you? I have moments of "blanking out" but not to the degree you are describing. And normally my blanking out is when anger gets so bad I blow, it is more rare as I age I do this (I won't recall most or none of my blow ups) and at times I have stumbled on some threads that just shook me up worse than I thought and went and posted any way... and not remember it until I read it later.

The dilated pupils make me wonder meds or a state of panic attack. Hubs knows when mine are going rough when mine pop open.

You have to give your self some wiggle room for some unusual behavior because of the anniversary. I really did not even know what to say to you... but I can and will say you made it through! Great going for that and you are probably still working through it a bit I am sure.

 

[batgirl]

Hmm... maybe it could be medication. I actually don't take anything for the PTSD anymore really though, I was on a very high dose of Prozac (100 mg a day), up until about 4 weeks ago when I had to stop cold turkey because of the surgery I had. Currently I'm on Diazepam for a week, just to get me over what's going on currently and help me to sleep. But I won't be staying on it, as it's addictive and the doctor just says it's just getting over my really bad period right now, and he doesn't want to see me start relying on it. Plus he wants to evaluate me OFF meds for a few weeks.

I don't think I've ever experienced the blanking out to this extent before either. Maybe it is the trauma anniversary causing it, I mean this time around was the worst ever I think. And yeah I was panicked nonstop for about 2 days, so maybe that's the thing with the pupils. I just hope I'm not developing multiple personality disorder!!!

You don't have to say anything veiled. I appreciate the fact that people even read my posts. Thanks so much.

Evie

 

[batgirl]

Oh and btw I read most of your posts (and other people's too) and often don't comment. I never know what to say, and the rare times I do post I feel stupid afterwards. But I am interested. I follow a lot of people's trauma diaries too, including yours.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I don't think you have the multiple thing going :) But to "distance" yourself after such a rough anniversary would be normal, also add in a new med in the system, the constant panic... I think you really answered yourself what happened to you. I am sure it is scary and was. But I really think you are having a "normal" reaction to all.

If I may be so bold... what did you draw on the wall?

 

[kers]

Do you dissociate often, batgirl? It sounds to me like it was simply a severe episode in response to your panic.

I dissociate all the fricking time. While I remember where I was, I couldn't tell you what happened. But it's a spectrum.

 

[batgirl]

If I may be so bold... what did you draw on the wall?

Hmmm well it was sort of my typical horror movie stuff... a scary kind of demon/zombie with wings, and an assortment of other smaller monsters crowding round, and a self portrait of myself huddled on the floor, sort of in a fetal position, underneath them. Brian thought it was good lol. Sometime soon I guess I should share my artwork with you guys... except some of it is SO disturbing, I'm worried about triggering people to be honest.

Do you dissociate often, batgirl?

Well if daydreaming counts as dissociation, then I do that quite a lot, but I still basically know where I am and what I'm doing. And most of the time when I'm out of the house I feel like I'm not completely in my body, like I'm in my forehead, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I can carry on conversations with people and feel like I'm observing myself talking rather than actually doing it. And sometimes I don't feel pain either, although lately I've been feeling a LOT of physical pain. What happened yesterday though was pretty extreme for me. I don't think I've had it happen to that extent before... like I literally lost time!

That sucks for you that you dissociate a lot... I don't like it, it always makes me feel strange and not in control. By spectrum do you mean dissociating is like a spectrum disorder where some people have it much worse than others?

What do you do for your dissociation, kers? Is there anything you can do about it?

 

[kers]

Daydreaming, as I understand it, is an example of "normal" dissociation, like on the "typical" end of a spectrum line.Then there's the stuff PTSd comes with...

And most of the time when I'm out of the house I feel like I'm not completely in my body, like I'm in my forehead, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I can carry on conversations with people and feel like I'm observing myself talking rather than actually doing it

I know exactly what you mean! I feel like I'm watching life rather than participating. My T called this depersonalization:

Depersonalization is the sense of being detached from, or “not in” one’s body. This is what is often referred to as an “out-of-body” experience. However, some people report rather profound alienation from their bodies, a sense that they do not recognize themselves in the mirror, recognize their face, or simply feel not “connected” to their bodies in ways which are challenging to articulate (

I always called it "turning off." I'm in some version of that state usually when I self-harm, so there's no pain at all :frown: I just feel like I'm imitating a real human, or something.

More typically, there are micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a conversation is forgotten from one moment to the next. Some people report that these kinds of experiences often leave them scrambling to figure out what was being discussed.

Maybe your experience was an extended version of this? I don't have any way to stop the dissociation once it's started, but I have been working on not getting panicked by it, riding it out so to speak. I usually do it when I need to calm myself down, when I'm scared or intimidated--in other words, reminded of the trauma. Sigh.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Wow, a lot of emotions coming from those drawings by the sound of it. I do wish you would share, but when you are comfortable. And triggers, hon you know this whole site is a giant trigger. If we did not post things afraid to trigger another this place would be barren.

We all get triggered here, I still do. I can't think of many who do not. But it is when you are comfortable as art can show a lot of pain. Are you sure it isn't you are more afraid of exposing yourself? You have been doing very well with that BTW. Feeling vunerable that others can actually see your pain maybe? Just wondering.

 

[batgirl]

Maybe your experience was an extended version of this? I don't have any way to stop the dissociation once it's started, but I have been working on not getting panicked by it, riding it out so to speak. I usually do it when I need to calm myself down, when I'm scared or intimidated--in other words, reminded of the trauma. Sigh.

Thanks for sharing all of that, kers. It's interesting. I've never heard of depersonalization. I have to do more reading on dissociation, because I obviously have it.

Oh you panic when you dissociate? That must suck. I don't. I generally don't care, as I don't talk to many people, and even when I do talk to people I don't give a shit because I'm so self-absorbed. If I'm spacing out in the doctor's office, I sometimes wonder if the doctor can tell, but if they can they don't let on. OH I just remembered though, the psychiatric nurse I used to see, I think she noticed, because she was trying to get me to ground myself in the present moment. She gave me this stone with the word "hope" engraved into it and told me to stare at it. I thought that was so lame ass, and I told her so. She said I was "resistant" and "non-compliant". Err. I just thought it was dumb though.

I was panicky about the lost time, but not until after it happened. The micro-amnesia thing is interesing too, so thanks again! Like I said I need to start reading more.

Anyways I wish you all the best with the dissociation you're experiencing.

 

[batgirl]

Are you sure it isn't you are more afraid of exposing yourself? You have been doing very well with that BTW. Feeling vunerable that others can actually see your pain maybe? Just wondering.

I didn't think of that veiled, but yeah you're probably right. My art is really personal to me, it conveys my feelings much more accurately than my words do, so I think I will feel exposed if and when I share it. Mine and my uncle's avatars are drawn by me, but they aren't typical of what I usually draw. Mostly I draw really sad, or violent, or gruesome. That's in stark contrast to what I drew before the trauma, which was a lot of colours and flowers and girlie shit lol. Maybe I should start by sharing some of my older stuff.

 

[jade]

After reading the post BG I was amazed at the resemblance of your feelings and mine almost down to the word. I too read the posts and diaries but as you said you feel afraid to comment. Totally understand as I wonder if I'm going to do or say something wrong. Have always been a listerner just hard to vocalize as it seems it never comes out the way I want it to. Hugs to you and take care of youself.