Relationship Are Habitual Breakups As A Means Of Isolation Common?

[NaeNae75]

I'm wondering how many sufferers label their isolation periods as "break ups". I know that for my S/O he does it every time, and it drives me batty. There are times he's done it for a day, a couple days, weeks, and a month....at different times. The reality is when he is having an "episode", if I give him space, he keeps in contact with me and we have "rules"....such as no dating, texting goodnight every night so we know the other is safe, we don't "announce it" . So really, it isn't actually a break up, but a break. He does this fairly regularly. (once or twice a year...sometimes the daily ones can happen a bit more regularly)

This time, he's trying to convince me that "he means it this time" and "I can not change his perspective about our relationship this time". Yet, he has agreed that the normal rules apply including not telling his son. (although I'm sure he will figure it out). Also he is seeing our couples therapist alone tonight so she can "help me see his mindset". None of this suggests a breakup but another break.

I don't know why this bothers me, because his actions lead me to believe that this is situation normal...but it drives me wonky to call it a breakup. I think it's because if it every really was, I would leave and try to move on without him. The "breaks" and isolation honestly don't bother me that much. I mean, he has been deployed for months and months on end and that doesn't bother me either. I'm actually fine on my own. But I hate the thought of his being gone permanent. He's my best friend. For some reason, if the label of "ex" were real, for some reason I let myself think I didn't do enough or that I was pathetic for still being here for him to get better in a couple of weeks.

Has anyone else ever experienced this or felt the same way? Why should labels matter?

I gladly welcome comments from both sufferers and supporters.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's a tricky one. My vet takes "breaks" too, but he has never said he wanted to break up. That'd set me back for sure.

Usually if they break up with you it's a break up in my opinion. But not telling people you broke up, and having rules about not dating others seems really confusing. Like having your cake and eating it too.

You said he's deployed now? Maybe he's in detachment mode.

 

[NaeNae75]

No, he came home last October. It is confusing....which is why it drives me crazy. But he's always been like this. Even when we started dating, we were exclusive, but he wouldn't say we were in a "relationship" for almost 6 months. It took him almost that long to tell me he loved me, because "too many people use that word to manipulate". He has a real hard time with labels and commitment labels. He has always been committed in the sense that he's always been "in this".

But because he ALWAYS says "I'm leaving for real this time", "I can't do this" and "we need to break up", but never actually leaves...I don't believe him anymore. I mean, he will go to the other house, but he doesn't stop talking to me. I guess maybe the key is to just not worry about it, because this is what he does and what he says.

 

[EveHarrington]

When I'm serious about ending things, I stop communication altogether. (Unfortunately more than one person has taken me at my word even though I eventually came around. You'd think I'd learn my "lesson" but nooooo----) I'm not advocating dismissing him, but follow his actions and not his words--------until it's too much for you to handle. In all of this, make sure you take care of yourself. If it gets to a point where you can't handle the "breaks" then it's ok to let go and walk away.

 

[NaeNae75]

When I'm serious about ending things, I stop communication altogether. (Unfortunately more than o...

That's very helpful to know. The thing is, I'm so busy with other things that when I get over the initial "shock" and "normal" hurt....I remember , oh yeah....this is my normal now...lol. He never has ended communication with me. He hasn't this time either. I really can handle the "alone" but I don't want to look like a pathetic loser that can't let go. The reality is, I see myself as someone that deals with being patient with my s/o's sickness, when it comes around. I'm okay with that...I can handle that. I just don't want to be someone that can't accept the truth and move on from it. If this were in any way the truth, and that he would be happier without our family, I would let him go. But he's my favorite person to do things with....heck he's my favorite person to do "nothing" with. He has been my rock when I needed him to be. So, I want to be his when he needs it.

I could see this coming for several weeks now. I've asked him repeatedly to get back into therapy. Funny thing is, usually when he does this, he will start therapy again to deal with "how I've been treating him"....even though it's a distorted reality. I think the fact alone he doesn't say something to his son screams volumes. I really believe if he was truly done, he would tell him. I think he doesn't so that he isn't confused when he comes back. He doesn't realize, he's going to be confused either way. But, he's dropping his son off here today for us to spend time with him while he's at work. He's not ready to spend time with us, but at least he realizes that he needs to keep things as normal for his son in the meantime. He said he's not staying for dinner tonight before he leaves. But, until he sees I'm not "the bad guy"...there is nothing I can do. I know "convincing" him is a total waste of time and makes it worse. So, I'll just be me....and when he sees again how much he really loves me for me, it will be okay again.

@EveHarrington it appears from your post you isolate too....do you appreciate when people stay? I mean, as long as they are leaving you alone when you want to be? I mean for cripes sakes....I agreed to let him keep his house when we moved in together so he had a safe familiar place to run away to. I just hope that he sees that I do these things because he needs them. Right now, I've been on here for peace of mind. But I've still been running my business, and taking care of the kids. I've also been at the T as well as found a support group. The group is like 45 minutes away....but knowing it's there helps. I'm also back to reading and assessing my own issues as well as my own PTSD. I grew up in a home with a father with PTSD that reared its ugly head through violence. Needless to say, I grew up with the ability to cope with PTSD like it's a normal thing. I guess I'm just trying to learn more.

 

[Silver.]

(my breaks never lasted weeks and months like some, that doesn't work for me)
The first three years of my relationship with my s/o, we "broke up" more times than I could count. It took a commitment from both of us to say "enough of this crap", it was too detrimental to the relationship to keep running away. Once we made a commitment that breaking up wasn't an option anymore, the relationship settled down and felt secure. For me, I think my need for space, indicated I wasn't ready to be serious. But it was what I had always done as a result of PTSD. We probably wouldn't be together if we hadn't made the commitment.
(I still need space of course, but like I said, it's not weeks or even days, and I don't lash out saying it's a break. But it was a lot of work to get to be able to do that)

 

[TerriB8511]

@EveHarrington That was probably the most helpful thing I have read on this forum to date. Thank you. My sufferer has ALWAYS been let down by people giving up on him. I told him my actions will speak louder than words ever can and I mean it. If it gets too much, I'll reassess, but I'm focusing on me and letting him focus on him. Can I just ask, if I may, what was it that made you come around? And how did you attempt to contact the other person? How long were those isolations? I know everyone is different, so I can't gauge, but I'm curious as to how you decided to go back. Thanks.

 

[NaeNae75]

(my breaks never lasted weeks and months like some, that doesn't work for me)
The first three years of...

He's very passive aggressive.....He won't say anything about anything he's unhappy about until he runs away. Usually it's a couple of days, but once in a while it will last a few weeks to a month or so....but we stay in contact the whole time. He just stays at our other house instead of mine. Usually, he's so stressed out by this point that he has to run and then he blames me for absolutely everything.
He did bring his son over today. He hugged me before he left. First it was pensive, but then he "melted" into it a little and it lasted a while. It made me hopeful.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Wow, my boyfriend does the same thing. We've been together 1.5 years and he has moved out four times. He tells me he can't and doesn't want to be my boyfriend, yet, when we break-up, we get back together within weeks. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I wish he had come with directions, or instructions, when I first met him.

From doing my own research, I believe he has C-PTSD and then going to Iraq made things even worse. He's been diagnosed with PTSD, TBI and bipolar2.

I hate to say this, but I guess that's why they say misery loves company, but when I read your post, I couldn't help but feel joyful that someone else was going through what I have been with my boyfriend. Apparently, I am a trigger for him, and that's why we are happier as a couple when he feels he is not obligated to be my "boyfriend." I, too, also watch what he does and I chose not listen to what he says. For instance at the beginning of August, we broke up, he moved out (the 4th time), we didn't speak for 2 weeks, and then he shows up on my doorstep wanting to talk. He tells me he can't live without me, wants me in his life because I'm the only one who understand him the most. Yes, I do understand him...this is the longest relationship he has been in.

He tells me that "we are a couple, but not a couple, but we are really a couple." We have a deep love and connection between us--he gets me, I get him. He coincidently (or deliberately) moved in with a friend that is 15 min walk from my house, if that. He comes to my house almost every day now. We hug, we kiss, we hold each other, we sometimes cuddle and take naps together. He has told me the one thing he wants in his life is a relationship, yet whenever we get to the point of having sex, he freezes. (I realize you don't have this issue.) This apparently happened to his last girlfriend, who only lasted 6 months. He tells me that any time he gets close to someone, the desire to have sex disappears and he feels emotionally numb. However, he can have random sex with anyone. Anyway...that was just a rabbit trail....back to his disappearing...

In a few days, we are going to our first "couple's therapy" at the VA. This was his suggestion.

From what I've seen, my boyfriend needs his own space, his own friends, and the feeling that he is not obligated to anyone but himself. Being away from me has helped his anxiety and anger. His mother is a sore spot in his life, both she and her husband mentally and physically abused my boyfriend when he was a child and they never have owned up to that, coupled with the fact that he is exceptionally sensitive, (like me), whatever happened to him, has effected him ten fold. He also says I remind him of his mother (the good parts) loving, nurturing, etc. But that it also "terrifies" him.

His need to be away from me is when his emotions or stress gets to be too much for him. He feels he can't breathe. At this point, I realize that I can't take this personal, that his breaking up with me is only his way to get his frustration out that has been building up, because I know he will be coming back. It's a lot to take. But, to me, he is worth it. I DO believe that with therapy, his brain can be rewired back to the way it was before his trauma changed it.

I have learned that his moving back in three times, is not good for us at this point. It only leads him to do it to me again. So, I'm compromising. I'm going with what he needs, which is to have his own place, even if it's just a shack, I'm not sure is even winterized. But we will cross that bridge when we get there. I think having his own place, plus couple's therapy...and the new EMDR therapy I also signed him up for, which he is more than willing to do, may help turn the tides.

Dating someone who has PTSD, is also being committed to being their advocate. It's rising up above any personal insecurities we may have (because they will bring the worst out in us) and being committed to helping them. This is above love, this is selfless love, when we love the unloveable. It's wanting to see them get better, more than we want the relationship. That's where I am. Of course I want us to live happily ever after, but I know my boyfriend so well, and recognize the self-destructive behavior, that I cannot in good conscience leave a man I love so dearly, to defend himself and to try to navigate his PTSD alone. He can't. He would get nowhere fast. And ditching him, so I could go date someone else, is selfish to me. We have unfinished business. I feel strongly that we entered into each other's lives for a reason. Where he is now with his life, there is no way I can stop helping him. It would be cruel, even though my own therapist can't even fathom why I would "subject" myself to his meltdowns and verbal abuse. I have also learned that I will lose friends over this relationship, they already are angry that I stay loyal to him. But I also know that I have made new friends within the PTSD support groups I have joined. It's weird how civilians who have no first hand knowledge of a Vet with PTSD, often can't understand that it is a disability of the mind. So many times I've heard my friends say that my boyfriend just needs to "grow up" and "needs to get his act together." It's heart breaking. I find that they lack compassion and that's okay. I'm on my own journey with my boyfriend, and one that I'm learning and growing from. The key here really is to not take it personally, although that has been the hardest thing for me to do.

Just know, you are not alone. He needs and loves you more than he is wiling to admit. That's obvious, by his behavior.

Is he in an kind of therapy?

P.P.

 

[NaeNae75]

I hate to say this, but I guess that's why they say misery loves company, but when I read your post, I couldn't help but feel joyful that someone else was going through what I have been with my boyfriend.

It is only natural to feel this way, I do to. Not because I would wish my pain on anyone in the world, but because it helps me know that I'm not crazy and that he isn't either. It also is because when there are other people that have gone through this and succeeded, so to speak....maybe we can to.

He has told me the one thing he wants in his life is a relationship, yet whenever we get to the point of having sex, he freezes. (I realize you don't have this issue.)

We go through this too....it's pretty normal. You can't take it personally. It's easier before they "know you" then there are times later, they can again when they feel safe. Our "love life" goes through more cycles than we do...lol

But, to me, he is worth it. I DO believe that with therapy, his brain can be rewired back to the way it was before his trauma changed it.

Be careful with this thought. He will never be the same as before trauma. He can be better, and biofeedback and EMDR can help "rewire" to a point, but there is no cure....just treatment and maintenance.

Dating someone who has PTSD, is also being committed to being their advocate. It's rising up above any personal insecurities we may have (because they will bring the worst out in us) and being committed to helping them. This is above love, this is selfless love, when we love the unloveable. It's wanting to see them get better, more than we want the relationship.

I have no problems putting my own insecurities aside...but the way this affects our kids makes this exponentially more complicated. I have two of my kids still in my house, my 21 year old adopted daughter (who came with a laundry list of her own issues), her 8 month old daughter, my 17 year old son, and my 19 year old son works for me and is around a lot too. His son is 9 and has a lot of issues himself too, some from this, but mostly because of his neglectful, abusive mother. They really are my priority with him. They all have to tie for 1st place. He doesn't want to hurt any of us, but it is inevitable because he isn't in therapy steadily enough.
Neither one of us has made our health a priority, and now we are paying the price for it. There is a lot going on with all of this, so all I can do is try to hold our family together as well as I can until I know what is going to really happen.

 

[EveHarrington]

Loving the unlovable?

Please don't tell your sufferer he/she is unlovable.

It's hard enough just to read that on a screen from a stranger.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Loving the unlovable?

Please don't tell your sufferer he/she is unlovable.

It's hard enough ju...

No, no...sorry, sometimes I don't explain myself well enough..."the unloveable" is what I refer to as the people who aren't worth the hassle in other people's eyes. It seems like in today's society, nobody is willing to put in the effort it takes to really love someone. We live in a transactional world, where if one person doesn't work out, we just trade them in for another, and then we wonder why nobody has depth anymore and our relationships are vapid. It's also a reference to how a lot of PTSD people feel about themselves...that they are unloveable. :(