Are Relationships All About Being A Partner Pleaser ??

[J_trustno1]

I know that the obvious answer is "No"!! But wherever you go, be it internet, Facebook, friends or any random person, they will always tell you what a man needs and the type of woman he will not want etc etc.. eg. Daddy issues and other random examples.

So the main question here is that are you supposed to be a partner/people pleaser in a relationship and not give a shit about your own issues?

Let's say you suffered from trauma and you have certain stressers that you need to make this person aware of without going into too much detail. Does that mean you are throwing your issues at that person?

I'm asking these questions because I don't understand what a healthy relationship is about. When to tell them something or are you supposed to be a complete mystery?

I had a person telling me "not to use my past as an excuse for my current life". However, I never told them about my trauma and the only comment I made was, "you are what your experiences make you and your past can affect your present ". But that person accused me of for using past as an excuse when I didn't. He told me to, "forget the past and think happy thoughts".


I mean WTF!!!! How can you think happy thoughts and how can someone accuse you of something? Can you not be yourself in a relationship or do you just have to be their slave who will feel what the other person wanted them to feel? Kind of exactly like my father.

Please feel free to share your views.

 

[Sighs]

Anyone who thinks that a person's past does not shape who they are as a person is very ignorant. Anyone who thinks that thinking happy thoughts is all you need to do to 'get over' something is very ignorant.

How old is this person? What is his life experience? He sounds to me like someone young who has lived a sheltered life. He has no idea what he is talking about. Ignore him.

Relationships should be give and take. How much you tell your partner is up to you.

Society is full of helpful advice about how to make a man happy. I'd say do what makes you happy.

 

[Glara]

A relationship should be about mutually being there for one another. I was only in one healthy relationship. It was my first serious boyfriend, while I was in high school. It was very mutual. He was supportive when I was needy and vice versa. We were both forgiving when the other screwed up. Together we made each other better. I'm always looking for that in all other romantic relationships, but have yet to find it as an adult. Of course we weren't dealing with the problems of adulthood. I broke it off because I was young and unfortunately wasn't particularly attracted to him. I don't know how it would have lasted. I always look back and wish I could've been more attracted or maybe even that if we met later that wouldn't have mattered as much. Anyway, I was in a healthy relationship once and I have never been able to find one again.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So the main question here is that are you supposed to be a partner/people pleaser in a relationship and not give a shit about your own issues?

Yes and No. Yes you should be a partner pleaser in a relationship, but no... you should most definitely give a shit about your own issues. I think the healthiest relationships are the ones where both partners work hard to please each other. If you love somebody you want to please them and make them happy, and if they love you back, they will not be selfish enough to let you sacrifice yourself for them. This action needs to run in both directions.

In turn, you cannot love somebody properly if it is detrimental to yourself or your well being. Your issues should be important, just as your partner's issues should be important. Healthy relationships have room for issues. If your issues and needs are being neglected, then it is not a healthy relationship. For example, if you have triggers that you need to tell your partner about, he should be able to hear about them and understand that you can't go into greater detail yet. That is trust and compassion.

And just a little something else that crossed my mind...

I had a person telling me "not to use my past as an excuse for my current life". However, I never told them about my trauma and the only comment I made was, "you are what your experiences make you and your past can affect your present ". But that person accused me of for using past as an excuse when I didn't. He told me to, "forget the past and think happy thoughts".

I could see somebody randomly saying this if they didn't know about a person's specific traumas or if even that they had traumas. IMHO it sounds like the kind of positive affirmation tripe that people who haven't had actual trauma in their lives tell each other. Chin up, when your past calls don't answer, our future is greater than our past... yadda yadda yadda. He may not have been specifically accusing you of using you past as an excuse... he could have just been spouting manure out of ignorance.

 

[Changing4Best]

I found out that pleasing my partner and ignoring my own needs lead me to attempt suicide. I was unconscious for something like 10 days, during which time my "partner" ruined the ignition on my car (destroying it completely), because he could not find the car keys. Please don't make the mistake I did! I'm lucky I survived.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Guess what, you are looking at a partner pleaser, not only did I do it the first time I did it the second time as well.

I come from a working class family, my father was a draughtsman in the Ship building industry, under class distinction in the UK that made him "Blue Collar"

Both of my father-in-laws were "White Collar" making them middle class.

As I was considered "below" both my wives in social standing I was afforded no respect by either of my in laws, so much so that my second wifes parents refused to even attend our wedding and my own father walked my bride down the aisle to me, not her own father !

To this end as it was their daughters I was marrying and I was in love with bith my wives I deeply felt that if I made extra effort to please everyone then a peace would descend upon our marriage and that their parents would come ti accept me. I made the conscious decision to "fit in" hence my career path into the Police. I felt that I had to conform to their ethics and social class standing.

What a fking muppet I was. Look what happened to me with respect of both marriages.

Guess what ladies, twice bitten. .. not happening again. I am only 44 and do not intend to be a lonely old miserable celibate bachelor. Bugger that. I intend to be myself from now on and be true to myself. I am told I am a nice guy and that I am not unattractive !! (Have you seen my Britain's most wanted Avatar I look like a bulldog chewing a hornets nest!!! )

I am never going to simply be what other people expect of me.

The real Laurie is a nice guy and he is not putting on airs and graces for anyone ever again. Take me as I am or go away.

 

[J_trustno1]

This guy not only made fun of my past but also my ambitions. When I told him that I wanted to achieve something great before I die and be someone did something for other people, he made fun of it. He made fun of me wanting to do a PhD saying "only crazy people do a PhD" other than respecting me. He made fun of my job calling it "data entry work" because I told him I was not satisfied with it since it's not challenging enough. He made fun of my volunteer experience on LinkedIn asking me for favors since I do volunteering and he doesn't believe in doing something for free. Oh and he got mad at me for calling him a "brother" in humorous way.

Btw this dickhead is 26 next month. I stopped contacting him and I had only known him for a month and I felt crap each time I spoke to him because he reminded me of my abusers (i.e. my father, mum's narcissistic brother and her bitch toxic sisters). He is the type of person that made me hate my own kind since I was a kid.

 

[iwannadeletethis]

@Jass_T i think in a healthy relationship, you should be able to lightly bring up your PTSD. Tell them what you need to avoid dysfunction. The point they made was not from a PTSD stand point. It was from a person who's seen a lot of excuses.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Jass_T, the man you spoke about is clearly a complete idiot, I wouldn't waste another moment of my time with the loser!

A healthy relationship Link Removed

One of the most important parts of being human, is, I believe, to be your authentic self and for others who truly care about you to embrace the genuine you. :)

 

[Friday]

All good relationships are very different, because they're built around the individuals inside of them.

What is absolutely perfect for one couple, would drive another couple completely insane. That's what dating is all about... Finding the people that you fit with. I've dated a lot of people, and all of those relationships? Even with me in them bringing along expected stuff (aka my stuff; from how I like to live my life to even my taste in men bringing along certain qualities)? All looked very different from each other, because the men I dated were their own people.

Magazines are just selling copy.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

For me, very much so. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, it always seems to blow up in my face..

 

[spmitchell3]

I had a traumatic breakup several years ago and I remember several people telling me to "just get over it and move on." That might be easy for them...but not necessarily easy for anyone else. There are no right or wrong feelings to a situation...our past experiences are what leads us to feel or react the way we do in any given situation. So, the people that told me to "just get over it and move on" may have had more experience with breakups or their past enabled them to be better equipped to handle it. It's difficult, however, to explain this to others. They have a hard time grasping why something so simple to them can be so challenging for someone else.