Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[jo may]

My parents never hurt me they just tried to protect me. But they couldn't as I kept everything to myself. And I would offen say I was doing something when I was in fact doing something else.

 

[TSG]

I am much more upset at my father. When my mother got ramped up, he just quietly left for a few hours. It didn't matter that I was beaten, bullwhipped, threatened with loaded guns, knocked around, switched and belted. He just slithered out like a coward and pretended nothing ever happened. I have zero respect for him, even now, 35 years later.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I'm angry at all of them. My dad for abandoning me. My mom for doing nothing, and my legal guardian for abusing me. They all failed me, none of them deserve my love or forgiveness. I'll give it eventually regardless, but for now I am furious with them all.

 

[Philippa]

My T said that in a way my mom is more pathological because she doesn't have alcohol to fall back on for an explanation for her behavior.

I'm sorry, but my alarm bells started ringing when I read this. If your therapist is suggesting that it's somehow ok or that being drunk is any excuse to behave the way your father did, then that is some serious bullshit right there. Unless I took it the wrong way that is?

I don't take being drunk as an excuse for bad behaviour. I know lots of people use it as an excuse, but drunk people know what they are doing, even if they are wasted. It's no excuse!

 

[Zef]

My mom was abused by the same people I was, so she gets a 'slight' pass from me.

 

[ericaboo]

I go back and forth with that. In recent years, I'm much more pissed at the perpetrator - but is that really fair? Who was the biggest victim? Who knows? You didn't know? Why didn't you know? It was your job to know... what a mess.

 

[Jen93]

Mine's slightly different. My parents NEVER hit me or anything. They were NOT abusive. (Yeah, sometimes I'd get spanked as a four year old. That didn't traumatize me or anything though.) For me, my trauma happened when I moved to another country. I could say that the person who sparked it was my Dad- sometimes I have flashbacks of him telling me we're moving. He was very distant though in terms of work and such after we moved- he's a really nice guy, just one of those workaholic types. I kind of called him the perpetrator since he unknowingly caused the abuse by moving us to another country.

My mother though; she didn't protect me. I was very badly bullied in middle school by the teachers and the kids, first because I was Canadian, then because I had a hearing impairment, and my fine motor skills and blah blah blah. I told my mother of every single incident of abuse, and she didn't protect me. She was even THERE once; and afterwards, when we got in the car and I said "That was unfair! How could she just SAY that?" She offered no response. It was as if she was allowing them to say and do things to me BECAUSE they were ignorant. I'm still extremely mad that she didn't stand up for me. If she had fought for me like a mother should have; maybe I wouldn't be in as big a mess as I am today- we still fight, and I can't get this PTSD thing through her head. I've said this several times over the forum, and I'll say it again- THANK GOODNESS FOR MY FRIENDS! I love them. :inlove:

 

[Anna]

Parent that did not protect. Especially when it is caused by a mental illness which someone has no control over what they are doing. The parent that did not protect did so much harm. More so, than the one that committed the act of abuse.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Dealing with my father, the ogre, was much easier than addressing the issues of betrayal left by my mother.

I get hung up on the "feeling sorry for her or asking her to take responsibility" dilema. She too was a victim of his murderous rages, eventually he beat her to a pulp and left her with brain damage years after I walked out and yet she continued to care for him and condem me for not forgiving him. She conspired and enabled.

 

[my3sons]

I'm asking this question because I struggle with whom I should be more angry with...

I am glad I am not alone!I use to beg my Mum & she did nothing. It was her Dad grrrrrr

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am angry at both. But I voted for the abuser. I wish there had been a box for both. I am very angry at bot of them. They were a team. They supported each other in their dysfunction. They both triangled me in to hear their sob stories about each other. This is a good topic.

There was no safety in my home. It was everyone out for themselves. To this day it is still like that I had to break off contact with them. Too much crazymaking for me.
I get crazy when around them and they make me crazy. The denial is insidious. My mom was the alcoholic. My dad was the child molester and child beater. Very crazymaking.

 

[JBB12345]

My father was my main abuser of all the different males and I later blamed my Mother in different ways for not saving me from many things. Later I realized she did what little she could as she was also being abused by him in ways that were possibly worse than I was. She also had been abused as a child and while married to him had a complete breakdown twice. To this day, even though remarried she tries to help me at any cost. Once a male therapist seemed to imply she had failed me and my only answer was how someone who is drowning is somehow supposed to save someone else from drowning. However, this applies in my situation with my Mother and my feelings. Each persons experience is their own. Some people do not deserve forgiveness IMO. I have not seen or spoken to my father in about 10 years and I know I never, ever will. He no longer exists and I try to move on.