Other Attachment disorder - a shattered heart

[SnowJo]

Nope, this is ongoing stuff. Long story. I have a couple of people who are very influential in my son...

I hear you, I am lucky not to have many outside influences and to have a mostly loving daughter who simply struggles to cope sometimes with the pressures of a young family, work, finances.... (who doesn't?). So sorry you are having to go through this, also daughters I think depend more on mums than son's tend to when they marry. We also moved to the other side of the world to remove ourselves from the very unhealthy families we came from and have remain unattached from them for 26 years for the most part, and slowly built a relationship with my mother over time (very slowly, work in progress, have to just accept a lot of loss there).

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello @shimmerz , this is probably well beyond my capacities to answer but here goes:

1. Are we born with the capacity to love that transcends our learned dysfunction?

I think that is (to me) like saying can that capacity overcome what is learned? I guess I would say it would depend if we learned something else. And also, we couldn't be alone, simply because I don't see 'love' as being held but rather given.

2. Are attachment issues a dysfunctional place that we go to that becomes a barrier to our innate 'love place' that we are born with?

I think attachment issues can be overcome to enable us to give love, not a safe place to go (though perhaps a familiar one), but they dictate a greater likelihood we'll expect rejection or abandonment. And/ or feel we deserve it. Or not even cross our mind anything else could be possible.

3. Are attachment disorders learned?

I think so. But I'm sorry I don't really know much about attachment disorders proper.

4. If they are (which is my belief) then do we not have the right to rage at or lock out our parents for having implanted these issues and then leaving us due to their own dysfunctional behaviour when we ourselves show signs of attachment issues?

I think everyone has the right to feel whatever they feel. After (rightfully) grieving it, I think the fact remains where to go from here is more important though. I tend to think people do the best they can with the tools they have at the time. But what disorders/ history of theirs was in play at the time?

5. As parents, is it as simple as recognizing our role in passing down this dysfunction, acknowledging it, and manning up to the pain that it takes to have our children believe in our love for them?

I'm not a parent, I have no right to answer, but yes, above all else, for loved ones & especially children I think the best thing they should know is that they are loved, & lovable. Perhaps all of what they do isn't, but they are. We can only try.

So that's just my 0.02 cents worth. :rolleyes:

Hugs to you. :hug: (PS, as regards #5 , do acknowledge all you've done right. There are also many many other factors of influence, too. :hug: )

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

just BEGINNING to get a grasp on "attachment issues", as an adult daughter, is having a serious (I think positive?) impact on my ability to have compassion for my parents .. cuz I'm also getting a better grasp on THEIR "attachment issues" and a generational aspect, here ..

For example, my Dad was the son of an (recovering) alcoholic. Though my Grandpa eventually joined AA and gave up the drink, my Dad and my Aunt both ended up with some very "typical" consequences from growing up in an "alcoholic" family .. and Dad passed some of those things on to us kids ....

Our whole family has been touched by this .. we used to joke about the family "crazy gene" on my Dad's side of the family (NOT "funny haha" more "funny to avoid pain" (OR personal responsibility, but I digress)....

~S2B