Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

THIS MAKES SENSE!

Rumors, would you care to elaborate?

 

[Rumors]

Not a farewell, dear Pencil. My posting is sporadic at times, but I will have you in my thoughts sending positive vibes your way always. ;)

 

[Pencil]

Hashi

Oh, another VERY important thing about my last therapist was that she was never in any way fazed by my running to and fro and fear of attachment, and fear of .... all the things that terrify me. She was very strong and sturdy, and that made me feel safe.

So, on the list of the ideal therapist would be strong, calm, and unimpressed by terror :D

Thank you Rumors! And I wish you would post more. I've noticed how sporadic you are.

 

[Rumors]

Rumors, would you care to elaborate?

I have never had the snot break down. I have a very hard time with emotion and am, at times, very disconnected from them. I have never grieved my trauma (saying that I have a trauma even makes me uncomfortable and weak feeling) and I stuff everything down so deep I am scared for it to ever come out. It might be a nuclear explosion!!!

I feel emotion for my son and all things that go along with him but beyond that I am terrified. The thought of letting my T see that side gives me a panic attack bc I have convinced myself that it is inappropriate and that my T will be done with me as would anyone in my life. Why would someone want to put in the work to be with me or help me? It goes back to the self worth thing. Then, in order to resolve the emotional issue or lack there of, it would mean I would have to reveal things that only I know and I am not sure I can. I have eeked out some but not all and that is probably bc it is too emotional. I disconnect from it all pretty well at most times and can make it like I am talking about someone else which takes all emotion out of it. The dinger is when my T says, "how would you feel if this happened to your son." Then, disconnecting is out the effing door and I freak! LOL!

I don't know if any of that makes sense or not but I can relate to wanting someone to promise to sit through all of that, not leave, don't judge, be supportive, help, etc. I am not sure that person exists but if it does, I imagine my T would be it.

Pretty eff'd up I know.

 

[Pencil]

Yes, I relate so much! And I feel my nuclear explosion is dangerously close to the surface.

And your therapist is probably waiting patiently for you to get there.

 

[Pencil]

Rumors, how do you think your son is affected by your disconnect?

 

[Rumors]

If in fact my therapist is waiting patiently, I am pretty lucky because I haven't been the most forthcoming. Lol. Maybe I should go in next week and just have this very conversation? Is that appropriate? Can I say, "my fear is that I unload and you say, adíos?" It is like I have a disconnect when it comes to emotion.

Sorry, Pencil, I didn't mean to hijack your thread but you and I seem to be on the same page when it comes to the emotional thingy.

 

[Pencil]

Rumors, I don't have a thing about people 'hijacking' my thread. I love it when something resonates for someone and they feel the desire or need to share. And this is how we discover when we are on the same page regarding all kinds of thingies. And this is how I learn things, and it makes me feel more connected to people.

I think this is EXACTLY what should happen in your next session!! :tup: And I'd love to hear about it afterwards.

 

[Rumors]

Rumors, how do you think your son is affected by your disconnect?

My therapist (T) has addressed the very same thing actually. It scares me because I don't want to be disconnected from him but sometimes I am almost overwhelmed by something scary for me and it makes it hard for me to emotionally be present for him. Now, this doesn't happen often but sometimes it makes it hard for me to hug on him, which he is a very affectionate little guy. On occasion, I just need to have a little space of no touchy/feely so my T advised me to tell him that "mom isn't feeling well and perhaps you could catch something so let's wash our hands and keep our distance until I know I am not contagious."

Once again, I work really hard to be everything to my son and not to let this effect him. The whole reason why I go to therapy is so that I can be the best mom I can be so my awareness of his needs are probably hypersensitive based on my thought that I am not good enough anyway. He goes to bed at 8:30 so I have all night to disconnect and be weird. LOL!

 

[Pencil]

I have all night to disconnect and be weird

:roflmao:

It is exactly the same for me. I can rattle around my own head forever. I find it extremely difficult to remain present for my daughter. Weekends and holidays are very difficult. I love her, and want her to be around, but there are times I need to cut the connection and just be inside myself. Her attempts at re-establishing contact can make me feel almost frantic.

This is also the main reason I started therapy, as I feel she deserves more.

I'm very affectionate with her, and very physical. This is something people who know about my weird thing with physical contact may find strange, but it isn't. The physical contact has to come from me. When she touches me or hovers in my space I get very agitated. And when she 'does things' in my face, like snapping her fingers, or swinging things close to my face, I feel a sudden, violent anger. I wish I could get this sorted out.

Sigh.

my awareness of his needs are probably hypersensitive based on my thought that I am not good enough anyway.

I know exactly what you mean.

 

[Pencil]

And when you described what they represented to you I just had this great sense of sadness and fear and maybe even need. Maybe a need to make some sense of the world in some way. For someone to give you something that you need and yet not being able to know quite what that is.

Nothing anyone has said on this forum has touched me as much as this. I feel quite tearful. Not bad for a left-brainer, Abstract :)

 

[Rumors]

I am still very aware of my need for space but try not to project my inability to be emotionally available at all times on to him. I don't think anyone can be emotionally available at all times but the difference between those who don't have our history and us are that they don't have the shame and guilt that goes along with being unavailable for a couple hours. They just say, "I'm going to the spa.." We, however, have to role play why we aren't enough or how we are failing until the very thought of not being available every second of every day feels like the worst parenting skills ever. I look at my friends whom I see as "normal" and they say things about how they went to get their hair cut twice in one week just so they could have freedom from their husband and kids. I always laugh at them and realize the innocence in that statement but I can't afford myself the same thoughts without beating the shit out of myself. Why? I guess bc of my history.

I wonder, Pencil, if you allowed yourself to have your haircut twice in a week, and felt no guilt about it if it would make the disconnect less. Do you think feeling guilty about the disconnect makes it go on longer? I do. I then worry about the fact I have and then obsess over how I can stop. The next thing you know, a day has passed. If I had just said, "I'm going out for an hour" maybe I would come back whole and ready??? Make sense?