Attachment to/Transference with Therapist

[joeylittle]

He missed an email I wrote recently that indicated how suicidal I was feeling. I got seriously angry at him for it. Way more angry then just a professional relationship thing. I’m not in love with him, but I fear, deeply fear, ever losing him. It’s twisted.

Something I wanted to point out about this - it's not related to your main question of transference. It might be good for you to discuss this with your therapist specifically concerning expectations around email. Example: does T know you might email when close to crisis, and is that something they agree is the right use of email between the two of you? If so, would it help both of you if emails like that had "URGENT" in the subject line, so they were clearly different from other, non-time-sensitive emails?

Emailing with a T can be helpful, but also it can be tricky. Making the expectations clear on both sides is important.

My original question was had anyone had to work through strong transference like this? Because the anger and hurt is extremely intense, but it’s not him and I know that. It’s just directed at him right now. He wants to start working through it on our next session, I don’t know what to expect and would like to hear others experience on it.

Yes. I've been in this situation before. I honestly think that some of your anger/hurt probably IS directed at T - it's not unreasonable to want a response when you indicate you're in crisis. But it's possible you and T haven't worked out what exactly that is for both them and you. SO, that's one topic.

The transference part is the thoughts and feelings that go beyond that reasonable expectation. A good place to start can be, making a list of what those thoughts/feelings are. The ones you think aren't really about T, or that you're not sure are about T, or that go into territory that seems more connected to your trauma...

 

[Kubash16]

Something I wanted to point out about this - it's not related to your main question of transference. It might be good for you to discuss this with your therapist specifically concerning expectations around email. Example: does T know you might email when close to crisis, and is that something they agree is the right use of email between the two of you? If so, would it help both of you if emails like that had "URGENT" in the subject line, so they were clearly different from other, non-time-sensitive emails?

Emailing with a T can be helpful, but also it can be tricky. Making the expectations clear on both sides is important.

Yes. I've been in this situation before. I honestly think that some of your anger/hurt probably IS directed at T - it's not unreasonable to want a response when you indicate you're in crisis. But it's possible you and T haven't worked out what exactly that is for both them and you. SO, that's one topic.

The transference part is the thoughts and feelings that go beyond that reasonable expectation. A good place to start can be, making a list of what those thoughts/feelings are. The ones you think aren't really about T, or that you're not sure are about T, or that go into territory that seems more connected to your trauma...

Thank you so so much for this. This is what I was looking for.

I do see that the email thing is largely my fault. It was slipped in like any other regular email and I should have called and should have made things much clearer. He did end up (after my angry email) calling and saying essentially that, that when it’s urgent like that I absolutely should call rather than email.
And thank you for the great idea!

 

[joeylittle]

I do see that the email thing is largely my fault. It was slipped in like any other regular email and I should have called and should have made things much clearer.

I'm glad you and T addressed this. And I'd not think of it so much as 'fault', as just part of the learning process around communication with your T outside of session.

Things like this are just part of that process. The term for what you're creating is "therapeutic alliance" - the connection between the two of you that is the center of the relationship, and the thing you need to be able to trust and believe in. Different therapists create different kinds of alliances. And different clients benefit from different kinds of alliances.

 

[Kubash16]

I'm glad you and T addressed this. And I'd not think of it so much as 'fault', as just part of the learning process around communication with your T outside of session.

Things like this are just part of that process. The term for what you're creating is "therapeutic alliance" - the connection between the two of you that is the center of the relationship, and the thing you need to be able to trust and believe in. Different therapists create different kinds of alliances. And different clients benefit from different kinds of alliances.

Thank you ?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

"therapeutic alliance"

I reckon this is worth googling and reading up on Kubash.
That info should give you a really good sense of what's a normal, healthy, positive connection to a T :)
And that will hopefully make you feel comfortable that that is what you're doing.
With the usual messy practising thrown in, that we all do! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Eve, I know this is a sensitive issue for you and you've written about it a lot in your diary and other threads.

I don't think it's the issue here.

But I do think that having good friends IRL and on the forum too, is important. They are people that know your backstory, that read along, that listen to the details of what's going on. So they often have more insight into the subtleties of the situation. Personally, I think that's a good thing. That's the whole point of having friends.

Of course it's a good idea to get other people's opinions too. But when you start a public thread here, you get a lot of people being triggered by an issue and just giving their point of view based on something very triggering - like having experienced nightmare T relationships - and then it's got very little to do with what the OP asked.

So there a both benefits and drawbacks to starting public threads here and getting everyone's opinion. It can be really hard to sort through what is good advice and what is just people dealing with their own triggers and saying things that are not particularly relevant to the situation at hand.

You are policing this thread in a way that scares anyone away who has a difference of opinion. This is what I mean. And I’m not the first to say what I did. Maybe you should ask yourself why you’re behaving this way? It’s JUST a difference of opinion. You don’t need to go around protecting the OP and mocking people when you don’t agree with their opinion. You know nothing about me nor do I believe you’ve ever responded to me before this. It’s funny that you say it’s THEIR (the OP’s) topic when you’re the one dominating the thread.

 

[Cypress]

My T said that the therapeutic relationship is a way to model healthy attachment. So if I can learn to have a healthy attachment with him than I can apply that skill to other relationships. I don't really know what a healthy attachment looks like but I suppose that means trust and boundaries and mutual respect. I am having the opposite problem - I can't seem to trust because I am afraid of feeling dependent. Kubash16 if I were feeling dependent as you describe I would be freaking out a little too.

I will say emphatically that professional relationships can be warm and even mutual in some ways too. I work in the medical field and I appreciate when my long time patients remember my birthday with a small gift or ask about my kids. I also genuinely want to know how they and their families are doing - even if they are not my patients anymore. I have attended weddings, birthdays and funerals and do not think this is a boundary violation. When a very sick person that you have cared for recovers enough to get married, you want to rejoice as much as they do. I understand that the therapy relationship is more intimate than a medical relationship but there are certain parallels and I am sure that therapists care about their patients as much as I care about mine.

 

[Kubash16]

My T said that the therapeutic relationship is a way to model healthy attachment. So if I can learn to have a healthy attachment with him than I can apply that skill to other relationships. I don't really know what a healthy attachment looks like but I suppose that means trust and boundaries and mutual respect. I am having the opposite problem - I can't seem to trust because I am afraid of feeling dependent. Kubash16 if I were feeling dependent as you describe I would be freaking out a little too.

I will say emphatically that professional relationships can be warm and even mutual in some ways too. I work in the medical field and I appreciate when my long time patients remember my birthday with a small gift or ask about my kids. I also genuinely want to know how they and their families are doing - even if they are not my patients anymore. I have attended weddings, birthdays and funerals and do not think this is a boundary violation. When a very sick person that you have cared for recovers enough to get married, you want to rejoice as much as they do. I understand that the therapy relationship is more intimate than a medical relationship but there are certain parallels and I am sure that therapists care about their patients as much as I care about mine.

Thank you so much for this.

 

[NightSky]

Hey @Kubash16, I’m not sure I can contribute to the transference part of the convo because I never feel like I have a good grasp of what that is. I mean, I know it happens when I assume my T is mad at me or will get sick of me- I’m placing assumptions on her based on past relationships. Other than that, I’m not sure how it has played out with my T. But attachment I can certainly talk about.. at length!
I’ve been with my T 3.5 years. I have gone through periods of extreme push and pull, feeling attached and needy and then pushing her away because it scares me and I don’t think i should depend on her.. around and around we’ve gone nonstop since I started (because I felt almost instantly attached to her. She’s warm and caring and genuine and I could tell that from the start.) I’m well aware there are parts of me who want to be rescued and want her to “save” me, but I know logically that isn’t possible, and those are parts of me who need their childish needs to be met by ME, as much as possible.
She has been very purposeful in teaching me about my own attachment patterns (I’m completely avoidant with everyone and half of the time with her), and she’s helping me learn what it feels like to be attached and trusting, when I want to run. This will, and already has, in small doses, impacted my relationships outside of therapy. It’s has helped me see that truly not everyone is waiting to abandon me. So yes, you can be taught through the therapeutic relationship as a model, what needs to be learned in order to have stronger relationships outside of therapy.
It’s ok to depend on, and feel attached to your T. You are not a freak. It is a real need we as human beings have. Your dependence and need will likely decrease as you become stronger yourself and as your relationships outside of therapy grow.
I feel nothing like I did in the first year or two, when I would email and then not be able to handle life if she didn’t respond, feeling afraid she had finally had enough of me, etc. and I made sure to look presentable and act presentable in her office so she would want to work with me. All of that has gone away and we have a strong, solid working relationship. I don’t question (90% of the time) why she doesn’t respond if she doesn’t, or if she’s going to leave. I trust her and know not all circumstances can be foreseen. I feel cared about and safe with her and I can just BE. It took me til around the year 3 mark to feel like this, right along the same time when I started to have some good symptom free stretches.
It’s all part of the process. Trust the process. And I dare say trust the person, too. With the knowledge that no one is perfect. Whatever comes up for you, however it comes up, talk about it with your T. And it will become part of your work together. ?

 

[grit]

IMHO, dressing certain way is what is called acting out and will not help you. Actually, it will make you regress and resist treatment. And dressing up and wearing certain earings to therapy is acting out sexual/seduction (albeit) unconscious feelings.

What will help your healing is if you can ARTICULATE these awkward feelings to the therapist. You will feel so awkward, shame, and many other feelings and that is where the therapist can help you become more conscious of your unconscious way you deal with people or with men or with women you are trying to have them like you.

Imagine for a second you are not aware of this and you are always acting so seductive to everybody just so they like you, yes you will come off as histrionic (if you are not diagnosed with such) or weird and you will not make many deep connections. Adn the same thing will happen in therapy.

a therapist will most likely not tell you or ask you hey are you trying to seduce me or being sexy for me? cause that is not their job but they will notice you are acting out and will try to help you BUT the only way they can help you better is you TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DO BEFORE YOU COME TO THERAPY.

if you say something like, I think of dressing certain way when coming to therapy, this will open a can of worms that are difficult for you but can start processing real things.

Also in practical sense, it is extremely important for women to know how they act unconsciously sexually and when they get the wrong attention wonder what did i do? It is a skill most women, including me, learn while travelling alone.

You are struggling because your deep sense is telling you what you are acting out is not true for you. It is a learned thing from the past.
start to talk your thoughts openly that is what therapy is for.

 

[Kubash16]

Hey @Kubash16, I’m not sure I can contribute to the transference part of the convo because I never feel like I have a good grasp of what that is. I mean, I know it happens when I assume my T is mad at me or will get sick of me- I’m placing assumptions on her based on past relationships. Other than that, I’m not sure how it has played out with my T. But attachment I can certainly talk about.. at length!
I’ve been with my T 3.5 years. I have gone through periods of extreme push and pull, feeling attached and needy and then pushing her away because it scares me and I don’t think i should depend on her.. around and around we’ve gone nonstop since I started (because I felt almost instantly attached to her. She’s warm and caring and genuine and I could tell that from the start.) I’m well aware there are parts of me who want to be rescued and want her to “save” me, but I know logically that isn’t possible, and those are parts of me who need their childish needs to be met by ME, as much as possible.
She has been very purposeful in teaching me about my own attachment patterns (I’m completely avoidant with everyone and half of the time with her), and she’s helping me learn what it feels like to be attached and trusting, when I want to run. This will, and already has, in small doses, impacted my relationships outside of therapy. It’s has helped me see that truly not everyone is waiting to abandon me. So yes, you can be taught through the therapeutic relationship as a model, what needs to be learned in order to have stronger relationships outside of therapy.
It’s ok to depend on, and feel attached to your T. You are not a freak. It is a real need we as human beings have. Your dependence and need will likely decrease as you become stronger yourself and as your relationships outside of therapy grow.
I feel nothing like I did in the first year or two, when I would email and then not be able to handle life if she didn’t respond, feeling afraid she had finally had enough of me, etc. and I made sure to look presentable and act presentable in her office so she would want to work with me. All of that has gone away and we have a strong, solid working relationship. I don’t question (90% of the time) why she doesn’t respond if she doesn’t, or if she’s going to leave. I trust her and know not all circumstances can be foreseen. I feel cared about and safe with her and I can just BE. It took me til around the year 3 mark to feel like this, right along the same time when I started to have some good symptom free stretches.
It’s all part of the process. Trust the process. And I dare say trust the person, too. With the knowledge that no one is perfect. Whatever comes up for you, however it comes up, talk about it with your T. And it will become part of your work together. ?

Thank you! There’s is so much of this I completely identify with. I usually have no problem with the non responses but that one (coupled with other things) sent me over the edge this time :/.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Biting my tongue, biting my tongue :laugh: