Sufferer Attempted Murder Survivor

[Mercy]

. I am a teacher and my school district has made sure that not one person knows. They treat me like I was the perpetrator and their treatment has led to another victimization.

Yes, LokiBell. You are right. Studies have found that when the victim is treated with understanding and compassion, thier likelyhood of developing serious PTSD is lower than those of us who are not supported. I'm sorry that you had such a terrible and terrorizing experience that night. You Are Not the Perpetrator, never were and never will be. The school is trying to keep your whole horror from being known in your community for some reason.

I guess one response open to you is to find a sympathetic reporter on the crime beat at your local paper. You cannot talk about the trial but you can make public what happened to you. You can ask for your own hospital records to take with you when you tell your story to the press. No secret can harm you when it is no longer a secret. The school will have to stop their blaming point of view.

It is up to you, of course. Are you in therapy? As you have done here, talking it out can really help a lot.

There are quite a few women who have experienced similar things. You are in good company. Welcome.

 

[Kefira]

Welcome @LokiBell. Hopefully you find a place where you can heal and be supported here.

 

[LokiBell]

I appreciate the candor of all who have replied. @Barconian- I, too, agree that this story appears to be unbelievable at first; however, I am living proof it happened. I think each and every day, did this really happen? Is this really my life? Unfortunately it is and it is a daily struggle just to make it. Finding the courage to write this took many attempts. I spent many hours on this site, reading others stories trying to find the courage to share. I finally took a chance and am glad I reached out.

I am in therapy, but unfortunately, I have been through 4 therapists. The first one that the military provided was over an hour away so we did mainly phone calls. The 2nd one felt my case was "too much" for him. At least I didn't waste my time with him. The 3rd one was through military one source and because my husband was incarcerated and they felt I would need more than their 12 free sessions, they turned me away after one session. Then I found a nice counsellor on a website that helps military spouses for free. So far I have seen her 4 times but even she will admit that she doesn't feel that she is capable is assisting me. I am well educated, analytical and research everything so I tend to come off to my therapists that I don't need help. But then I find myself thinking about what not living would look like. So next week I will search once again for a qualified counsellor.

I have researched domestic violence forums. I don't feel like I belong quite there and I do identify with the PTSD forum more as I have been diagnosed and I can identify with the way the members "feel" and react to situations. My one and only incident of domestic violence persay was that of attempted murder so it is difficult to identify as I didn't suffer over a period of time, it was simply one night, that lasted almost 4 hours of torture.

I am very thankful that there is such a site like this as it has provided me more therapy than I feel that I received from qualified professionals to date.

The school district I work for wants to make sure the community feels safe and they think if my story gets out, people won't feel safe there. So they focus on the community and I am pretty much left in the dust. Not having any support there makes healing even more difficult. I have taught there for 14 years so the lack of support hurts very deeply. They have caused secondary wounds that can't be undone. I do have a lawyer who is ensuring they do not break any law in their quest to keep me hidden. I do not think that they realize that this is public knowledge and all it takes is someone researching my name to bring this to light. The ONLY reason I keep quiet is for my children. I can't lose my job there as my children attend this school because I work there and changing for them would be devastating.

My husband has been deployed two times but as he was sent to non combat areas, and he has been monitored for signs and symptoms of PTSD over the past 5 years, his commanders and the psychological team from his base all agree that PTSD for him isn't a proper diagnosis. His issues are psychological, but strictly due to mental illness as well as his illegal steroid abuse.

Thank you for allowing me to stay, to be able to learn from others, and to be able to heal. I truly appreciate it.

 

[Myhope]

Loki,

I just found this site, looking for a place to deal with my ptsd related to various severe abuses and betrayals in life from the past and the present. Was feeling pretty sorry for myself when I read your post. I have experienced domestic violence as well, from out of the blue too, having someone inflict harm is pretty horrible for anyone. What you experienced though goes so far beyond the fear and hurt I experienced. Though I can barely imagine what your horrific ordeal was like for you, I try, because I don't want you to feel alone with your pain, shock, fear etc., I feel such empathy for you and wish there was a salve of words I could put on your wounds to help them heal. The several (?)hours you spent in that horrible fight for life, now represent a huge portion of the tens of thousands of hours you have spent on the planet so far. They will carry a lot of weight for a long time. The confusion of going to bed inlove and waking up in terror is its own emotional wound that cannot be minimized. You are a survivor, a victor, really. You could have given up and let the dark fall upon you, but you didn't. You may never be able to understand what he did, why he did it, or how even to come to terms with it, though I hope you will. But, what you can know, is that you are a strong woman, with inner strength that carried you through that horrible experience. I believe that same inner strength that saved you then will help guide you through your recovery now. I'm glad you saw the beauty in that sunrise - your resilience is amazing. Keeping seeing the beauty that is around you and know I am sending you light and love.

As I know you know, there is much emotional, physical and spiritual work to be done for healing. Put your energy there. Dealing with the legal issues, possibly seeing him in court, grieving what was lost, feeling the pain in your heart and body will all be difficult. Your journey has just begun, but it will slowly get better and you will grown and find wisdom and compassion from this. It will take time, but if you keep loving yourself and let others love you, it will happen.

Wishing you the next 100 thousand hours to be surrounded by peace and love.

 

[Ice_Fire]

(((((Loki)))))

My gosh dear you've been through the mill. Welcome to the forum. I can see your point about not feeling that the sister site is appropriate and that's okay. I hope that the PTSD forum can offer you the help, information and support that you deserve.

I am too stunned by what you went through to really comment, I'm speechless. I just want to give you a huge cyber (((hug))).

 

[Echo]

@LokiBell, I too want to honour your bravery in speaking out. I hope you find an excellent trauma therapist with a great deal of experience who won't be fazed by your experiences. You need to concentrate on you and not worry about the effect on them.

 

[Barconian]

The 3rd one was through military one source and because my husband was incarcerated and they felt I would need more than their 12 free sessions, they turned me away after one session.

My ex wife was married before me, and her husband then was in the Australian Navy, he had a psychological disorder, was cruel to her, committed suicide and she found him in their garage at home. The Navy bent over backwards to support her, because they felt obligated as their psychologists didn't pick up on the severity of his illness and so the Navy was to some degree, responsible.

It is hard to imagine how your school district is so ignorant about your situation and are carrying on about something that may never happen again. Your husband has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic at such a high level and there is no way the courts would set him free until they feel damn sure he is deemed safe to set free into the community. In my belief and I am just a man who only got to year 10 in school, is that your husband was trying to fight off his psychotic thoughts during that 4 hours and his compassion was keeping you both alive. This doesn't make it any better for you by any means, only a possible explanation! I also believe that his fear would prevent him from ever doing this again. People can be so selfish and tend to brush things under the carpet, rather than face the situation with an open mind :(

I feel for your children, also. This would be hard for them!

Unfortunately, mental health professionals are only human and I could imagine how they would find your case so difficult. And with you saying that you have a good knowledge on this subject, through your research, they may feel a little intimidated by what you know and would easily think that they can't help! Because you would be analysing this to death to find some answers and I would do the same!!! I can fathom the isolation and how alone you would be feeling in this time of need, LokiBell It is a horrid feeling having door after door closed in your face as you struggle to find the support you need!

I would imagine you have a logical mind and work well with facts opposed to emotions and if you maybe find someone you can talk to, who have a similar mind, could be beneficial maybe! I have a friend who has a very short time to live, due to kidney cancer and spreading through his body like wildfire. He and I sit and discuss his situation logically and it has helped him to except his situation and he feels more positive.

Anyway, I suddenly have my son come visit and wants me to help fix his motorbike.

There has to be someone out there that can help you LokiBell and I am sorry your school district are being a bunch of pansies

 

[Abstract]

I hope you find a trauma specialist that will treat you in the way you need. Don't loose sight of the fact that we need to process emotions to recover. Welcome here and well done for your bravery in discussing what happened.

I imagine one of the awful legacies of this is that you are left not being able to trust that anything is as it seems. There were no warning signs and he was not abusive before. The sudden change must be hard to reconcile. Loving husband to this.

Paranoid schizophrenia and steroid abuse sound like a truly frightening combination.

 

[LokiBell]

@Myhope I cried when I read your response. Telling me I am a victor is something I have never viewed myself as. Your encouragement is so uplifting. I will go to sleep each night and wake up each day and remember what you said. Thank you so much for those words.
@Barconian, I had never thought of the mental health professionals being intimidated by me, but you are very astute in your observation and I feel, very accurate. In life, I am generally quite outspoken and strong willed so with my personality in general, that tends to intimidate a lot of people. It makes sense that it would carry over to them as well.

I have been so hesitant to tell my story because it is so over the top, so jaw-dropping that I was scared to tell it. I tell it to help me get better but also to help others that are victims as well.

I have only had one panic attack today and have only cried less than an hour. So today is a good day. I overdid it yesterday, as I went on a college visit with my oldest son and he committed to play football with them next year. My back and neck pain today was almost unbearable but it was worth it so I could support my son. I found that being around all of the college coaches was scary for me, as being around big and strong men makes me not be able to breathe. I took my anti-anxiety meds and just made sure I kept a distance between them and myself. As my son knows how I feel, he was in protection mode as well. My son, who had been offered a full ride scholarship to play in another state, turned it down and took a smaller scholarship at a college much closer to home. He said he just couldn't leave me and go that far after what happened to me. I never asked him to do it, I never expected it, but I am thankful my son has such a big heart.

 

[billie]

Welcome brave Loki. We are here for you.

 

[Barconian]

I have been so hesitant to tell my story because it is so over the top, so jaw-dropping that I was scared to tell it. I tell it to help me get better but also to help others that are victims as well.

You told your story so well that it would seem you didn't have any fear at all as you wrote, even though we all know how hard it would have been and how scared you would have felt whilst writing your words. It is a jaw-dropping story, I must say!

I can understand why your son wants to stay close and take the lesser scholarship... He loves you and he needs to protect his mum :) He needs to know his mum is safe and couldn't leave you alone until you are stronger

Neck and back pain are worse than a tooth ache I reckon...

As much as your flashbacks would be so intense and the nightmares would drive you nuts, may I suggest if the coaches frighten you, what if you hung out with your sons football team... They would be big boys, but being so young, they might be less intimidating and you could get use to being around strong men slowly?

Tell your school to grow some balls, get over themselves and let you do what you do best... Teach :) These people who are running around in a panic, because of what happened to you, shows me how weak gutted they are. It didn't happen to them and they need to learn to support you, not run away from reality. They can't keep living in a bubble, this is the real world.

 

[BLHutch]

Welcome. Please allow me to say that you are very brave in sharing your story.