DID Awareness of an abusive part

[TruthSeeker]

I know what the abusive behaviors are. ?

I have been controlling in wanting to know how he spends his time, history of worse things like name calling years ago, acting jealous when other people are getting attention, etc.. I slapped him once years ago when we had tons of mutually stressful things happening. I felt justified which is very wrong of me.

I have apologized to my partner. He is understanding that I have parts that take after my abusive parent and I don't mean to be like that. I often do not remember what has occurred during those times.

The goal is to avoid being blindsided with a painful experience which is one of my original traumas. If I have enough information I won't be surprised and traumatized again.

I am sorry I should have clarified... I definitely need that kind of advice too and appreciate your quick response to offer some suggestions...

I was intending to ask how to keep myself from switching because there's a destructive person trying to bust out and I don't want them to.

You have any idea of the intent of the destructive person. You talk about a list of past negative events with this person. Is this a protective part trying to warn you? My most negative parts are children, and they hold some unhappy memories, as does the memory keeper.

You are fine and this is a big step. My therapist says "you can't heal from trauma till you recognise the capacity to be the abuser in yourself."

The abuser becomes internalised.

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Yeah, I heard this from my T, too. She said that people who live with abuse, learn the skills to survive the abuse, and therefore know how to abuse as the result (a learned behavior). I don't like the idea that I have the capacity to abuse, but I suppose I do.

 

[Sideways]

I don't like the idea that I have the capacity to abuse, but I suppose I do.

Pfft. Nup. This is starting down the road of comparing yourself with your abuser.

Just in case that’s where your head is going, learning maladaptive behaviours to survive abuse and being abusive like your abuser? Not the same thing.

You’ve recognised behaviours in yourself (via one of your parts) that you don’t like, and have decided to work to change. That’s all stuff to celebrate. That’s rock solid progress to becoming someone you not only like, but admire. And not just the ‘you’ you’ve been aware of, but the whole of you. Every dark nook and cranny. Don’t let your negative self concept turn that progress into a reason to beat yourself up.

Every single human not only has the capacity to be manipulative, but have been manipulative at some point in their life. Our very first manipulative behaviours? Start as a baby, when we learn “What do I need to do to get fed? What do I need to do to get the cuddles I need? What do I need to do to be changed?”

The difference? Is now you have insight, and have decided to change. Which is awesome.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Pfft. Nup. This is starting down the road of comparing yourself with your abuser.

Just in case that’s where your head is going, learning maladaptive behaviours to survive abuse and being abusive like your abuser? Not the same thing.

You’ve recognised behaviours in yourself (via one of your parts) that you don’t like, and have decided to work to change. That’s all stuff to celebrate. That’s rock solid progress to becoming someone you not only like, but admire. And not just the ‘you’ you’ve been aware of, but the whole of you. Every dark nook and cranny. Don’t let your negative self concept turn that progress into a reason to beat yourself up.

Every single human not only has the capacity to be manipulative, but have been manipulative at some point in their life. Our very first manipulative behaviours? Start as a baby, when we learn “What do I need to do to get fed? What do I need to do to get the cuddles I need? What do I need to do to be changed?”

The difference? Is now you have insight, and have decided to change. Which is awesome.

Not beating up self....want to believe I am so different than those who hurt me....and want to believe I am not capable of that behavior, and am nothing like them......reality almost all people could be abusive under the right circumstances. Mind control, manipulation, etc. can really do a number on people when minimization is tossed in the equation.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah, well that is where I insert it’s a choice.

Does not even matter so much if I’m like others, in whatever. Sure f*ck I am like others. They are human, I am human, violence is human.

But it’s also a choice.
Nature don’t matter.

How & when & against who & in what measure & for what reasons you use things makes all the difference.

Those all? Choice.
So don’t get stuck on if you are like your abuser. They made choices they have, and yours are a whole other thing, because not theirs.

 

[HealingMama]

You have any idea of the intent of the destructive person. You talk about a list of past negative events with this person. Is this a protective part trying to warn you? My most negative parts are children, and they hold some unhappy memories, as does the memory keeper.



Yeah, I heard this from my T, too. She said that people who live with abuse, learn the skills to survive the abuse, and therefore know how to abuse as the result (a learned behavior). I don't like the idea that I have the capacity to abuse, but I suppose I do.

I don't even know anymore. My partner has issues for sure, sometimes I feel like he is an inverted narcissist. He's coped incredibly poorly with his own life circumstances. And much of my bad behavior in the past came after months of trying and failing for normal methods of problem solving and communication to achieve some result (like him getting a job, or him honoring his word).

I am afraid of attachment, so I can never be sure how much of my feelings and actions are from this "attachment is dangerous and leads to being traumatized" belief, and how much is from "he is not practically functional, has a lot of unprocessed narcissistic injury, and won't work on himself and this is a bad idea to pursue a relationship with him."

I'm just so tired of things being so up and down. He's had me convinced that I'm the reason. I just don't know if that is really true.

 

[Sideways]

He's had me convinced that I'm the reason. I just don't know if that is really true.

Even if you are? You’re only part of the reason.

Read about his behaviour on another of your threads. You aren’t the only person in this relationship who could work on their coping and communication skills;)

 

[HealingMama]

Even if you are? You’re only part of the reason.

Read about his behaviour on another of your threads. You aren’t the only person in this relationship who could work on their coping and communication skills;)

Super needed to hear that. Thanks.

He likes to write off everything as me splitting on him or something. After all of that went down, I was speaking with an angry tone and he says oh, I see what this is. And started his pattern of saying he loves me while avoiding solving any of the problems. He says things like I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I'm like dude, I don't know what you think is happening here, but this is your wife in fight or flight mode because you were acting like a bully. It's an appropriate response to bad behavior. Don't you dare try to gaslight me.

He apologized the same day he did it, but also hasn't made the therapy appointment I asked him to make almost a year ago. I can't get healthy in a system that stays sick. :(

We are at the point in the cycle where he tries to lie low until I switch or forget I'm mad or give up on actually addressing anything. He is hoping that time will make me forget that he acts like this. Either that or he really just has very poor insight.

I have asked him to move out and he said if I still feel that way in a week he will do so. But he doesn't believe any of my feelings are valid... Because he tends to just wait until another part takes over that isn't on the same page as whoever is drawing a line in the sand.

I really hate my romantic life and not knowing what is and isn't true.

 

[Cypress]

He sounds a lot like my soon-to-be ex. Ugh. Do you think that he has independent relationships with different parts of you? This was a problem for me. Inner communication is key here. Important to know how everyone is feeling, what they want to do next, otherwise your ultimatums may be ignored and you will wind up where you don't want to be.

 

[HealingMama]

He sounds a lot like my soon-to-be ex. Ugh. Do you think that he has independent relationships with different parts of you? This was a problem for me. Inner communication is key here. Important to know how everyone is feeling, what they want to do next, otherwise your ultimatums may be ignored and you will wind up where you don't want to be.

That's a really good point.
I don't lose time, so I don't really know how to answer the bit about independent relationships. I know he's avoidant as hell, so he just disappears until he thinks I'm ready to play nice.

I have a fawner/caretaker part that he seems to really like.

Definitely need to improve internal communication. Someone suggested that maybe my littles are trying to tell me something and I think there's some truth to that.

 

[Starfire]

We have been becoming more co-con & have had similar issues. Can only tell you what helped us. Trying to not switch has never worked for us. We are trying to work with an agreement. If one's act is going to affect more than that one, need to check with the others involved. OK sounds so much easier than it is!! From serious stuff, to seemingly stupid stuff! Like drinking too much, to what we wear out in public. Well, we are trying.

 

[HealingMama]

We have been becoming more co-con & have had similar issues. Can only tell you what helped us. Trying to not switch has never worked for us. We are trying to work with an agreement. If one's act is going to affect more than that one, need to check with the others involved. OK sounds so much easier than it is!! From serious stuff, to seemingly stupid stuff! Like drinking too much, to what we wear out in public. Well, we are trying.

That is great advice.
I did manage not to switch the day I wrote this thread. It was really hard though and that's probably the opposite of what I need to do to get better internal cooperation.

 

[Teamwork]

Spend time either talking to or writing to the part and assure them that you got this and to step back and let you handle it. Tell the part the ways you are going to be handling it, that they are new but to watch and see not jump in. Also build trust with the part so that you can say trust me, I got this.