Awful Panic And Anxiety

[MelissaF]

I'm having such a hard time this week with this. Every day gets worse.

I talked to a lawyer last week about legal options towards the bad people. During the conversation he said I should have been granted two restraining orders (he used to be a prosecutor) and that he felt the police could have done more to protect us and our home. We fought hard for help for almost a year and ended up loosing our house, business, and most of our belongings when we fled.

I am enraged to the point of being sick. We begged and cried for help after the multiple threats and ultimately the bad things did happened and we had to leave.

I see a therapist tomorrow but I feel so awful right now I just want to sleep and cry.

 

[JustBe]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.Sometimes crying and sleeping helps.

 

[p-no]

Hi Melissa,

I am sorry about what you were put through and about how the police seemingly has not done enough to help you. I can understand how you would be enraged!

Sometimes, in my experience, if you want to sleep and cry, sleeping and crying may be helpful. It's okay to let your feelings out and then drift off to sleep all exhausted. Sometimes there is not much more we can do, and hopefully the next day, especially with you seeing a therapist tomorrow, you will feel a little better.

I hope you will find a way of expressing your feelings so you do not internalize them. Using a pillow for getting rid of your anger might be helpful. Or maybe putting all your emotions into writing.

Wishing you well, and here's a hug, if you would like one.

 

[RussH]

Hi Melissa, for what it is worth; you are among friends here.

 

[MelissaF]

Thank you all for caring.

I feel so alone with this burden.

 

[Promicarus]

I'm not familiar with your story-but recent theory says that one of the key factors in PTSD is betrayal-betrayal of a loved one, or the betrayal of the world through betrayal by institutions, like the police and courts, which seem to reveal the world as a dangerous place, instead of the one we once had faith in. I'm glad, too, that you're expressing your feelings rather than internalizing them-that's how the real lasting damage is done, by keeping it inside and letting us continue to break us up more and more.

Sometimes I go out deep into the woods and beat a tree with a bat. It may sound crazy, but recent trauma theory says that traumatic experiences are stored in the body, the muscles, when we "freeze" in the face of danger, rather than act...like a deer "stuck in the headlights". The theory goes that we must discharge this "frozen fear" through physical action, to release it. There's a book, with specific exercises to do so, called "Awakening the Tiger" by Peter Levine.

Good Luck

 

[MelissaF]

YES!

I have such a strong distain for the RCMP in general right now that I can not even talk to one of my children's class matesparent (who is an officer, a lovely person, and not at all related to the bad people)

I am scared about everything because I don't trust anyone will help me if the bad people find me or my children.

Scared to the point of hysterical crying in my vehicle after school drop off and not letting my children out of my sight at parks because in my mind no one will help.

I knew this feeling was a symptom as I've always been very "police are there to help" but it dropped to zilch this past June and I didn't know why even though it is terribly obvious.

Thank you for the book rec. I'm hoping to feel strong enough this week to get to a book store.

 

[Promicarus]

It sounds like your symptoms are severe. Please remember that it can change, and get better-if it's addressed. And the sooner, the better. Studies have shown that while trauma is recent (ATD-"Acute Trauma Disorder), if it's discussed at length with a trusted listener, it lessens immediate symptoms of anxiety, hypervigilence, intrusive thoughts, and nightmares-as well as prevents the development of long-term, compound, and intractable, C-PTSD.

I hope you'll take action and seek counseling soon. A receptive and sympathetic therapist can go a long way to conquering your fear that "nobody cares anymore", by showing you that you have reason to have faith in another, and the institution of therapy.

Please be well, and remain proactive. You can do it, one step at a time.

 

[franciemarnie]

I second the motion to get your rage out safely. Don't turn it in and become depressed and numb and too exhausted to move. I beat up speed bags. I also smashed tennis balls catapulted from a tennis machine until I tore my glute. Ow.

So be safe, warm up, then get it out!

 

[JuneBug68]

I agree with getting anger out in a safe manner. someone I know from my homicide support group told us about stacking up a big pile of phone books and then beating it down, kicking, ripping, throwing, it sounds crazy but WHATEVER WORKS that doesn't hurt yourself.. hey! I'm down for anything! I understand not feeling safe or trusting anyone. someone broke into my home and stabbed me in the middle of the night, now after 8 years I am starting to regain the feeling of safety in my own home (even though I have moved several times, plus several other things) don't give up on yourself.. keep trying to get better... it takes time and energy that you feel you might not have, but you do. we are still here so we are survivors!! take it day by day or minute by minute if that is all you can bear... and be gentle on yourself .. xoxoxo

 

[RussH]

Melissa said: (Quote) I feel so alone with this burden,(quote Melissa, you may have been alone yesterday, but you are not alone today. please feel free to talk with us, and let us share this burden with you. You are among friends here that understand what you are going through.
Blessings

 

[MelissaF]

I've been awake for hours now and keep reading what you all have written over and over.

Today is a therapy day and I'm hopeful for the first time in weeks that I will feel better one day.

Yesterday was bad and at one point I said to my husband that I didn't know how people feel like this for years and years. That thought scared me and sent me down a bad thought path all day.

My children deserve better then a sad upset mom and I am so annoyed and frustrated that I can't shake this by myself.

I need people to talk to who understand because I've stopped talking to people who don't. Hearing "just go for a walk", "why are you still thinking about that" and any variation of "you have to move on" makes me feel so guilty and shameful and stupid. I'd love to do any of those things and just toss my hair of it all and run off happily into a field of wild flowers with the children. Ugh.

After we left where the bad things happened I felt okay for 4-5 days. I even slept pretty good. Then the thoughts and stresses of it all started to creep back. Slowly at first with double checking doors/windows and keeping lights on at night. Then to making sure I took different routes places and checking my tires and exhaust. Then not letting the older kids walk by themselves to the candy shop or to get the mail. Within weeks it was back to before we left with sleepless night vigils and panicky reactions to anyone who looked like or had the same names as the bad people.

I remember one especially awful episode of thinking I saw someone who looked like a bad person at one of the children's activities. I had to steady myself on a wall and then quickly sit from the spins. I realized after I had bit the insides of my cheeks but don't know why.

After that I became too scared to go places alone and am constantly looking around and avoiding eye contact with everyone.

4 or 5 weeks ago I thought this wasn't normal and started making a list of all the things that have changed for me so I could just hand it to my Dr and not have to talk about it. Then I figured I'd have to talk about it and since I don't want talk about it I thought I'd give it more time so I could just "get over it" as I was being "silly and foolish" for being so upset.

Well that didn't work and 3 weeks ago I had such a bad panic attack that I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the ER.

It was a very long day of talking to nurses, Drs, a therapist, and a social worker who all said it was ptsd and I was referred to a crisis psychology/psychiatry center for immediate help.

My official diagnosis is ptsd, mild depression, and generalized anxiety.

Today I find out about meds and what my continued therapy care will be.