Awkward Question

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I've never actually tried to deal with my diagnosis until recently. It was just a phrase some shrink put up there, but then I sought help for (what I thought was) a different situation and the diagnosis was reaffirmed. So after coming here and discovering various things that I thought were my personal hellish issues, and realized through others experiences that it was all connected, it was like an epiphany. Now for the current problem.

I've been described as a prude over the past 20 years. Now it's almost like I'm trying to make up for lost time and have to find busy work to keep me occupied so my husband doesn't have a coronary. I don't know if I broke through an emotional wall or if I'm experiencing yet another symptom and regressing. Anyone else have exaggerated responses to recognizing something so obvious as a tendency to punish yourself?

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, for sure. I tend to be more critical of myself, for not doing more things, or realizing things, sooner.

 

[Namaste01]

I guess it depends on your state of mind/thoughts at the time. If you are feeling guilt before you act it could b regression. However, I hope you broke through an emotional wall!

 

[Seasounds]

It seems as though you are tense about sharing your diagnosis ? By the way, you might talk to a professional a out this, to verify your opinion.

 

[bell]

I think any time you need to find "busy work" to keep you distracted from what you really want to do means that something's up. Sometimes it's a good thing and you've pushed through an emotional wall successfully, but sometimes you're just distracting yourself from where your mind doesn't want to go.

And sometimes when we push through an "emotional wall" we do feel like we need to "make up for lost time!" And in time, that passes and things get back to "normal," i.e., where they would have been had you not gone through your individual trauma(s). So, in short, it's hard to tell at times, if this kind of thing is "good" or "bad." At present, you could just watch it as it "is," and see how things go, keeping in mind that if things start to tank you and you start needing to distract yourself more and more you need to go see someone stat.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I was diagnosed PTSD 14 years ago and dropped therapy soon after, but only recently went to a psychiatrist for the anxiety symptoms due to a work situation. She told me that I was having PTSD symptoms and ADHD. I'm looking into finding a therapist. I guess I buried my head in the sand for a long time and didn't want to accept that they (trauma inflicters) still had sway over my life.

I have an appointment scheduled and I'll bring it up - I'm just not sure if this is self awareness or self doubt.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm just not sure if this is self awareness or self doubt.

I like how you work with your personal awareness, and, in this case, are interested about the reason beneath your cleaning behavior.

In such instances, when I want to know the source of one of my behaviors, I use a particular plan to decrease the tension I generate 'about knowing' the answer. Since intently 'wanting to know' can get in the way of discovering the answer, I let myself patiently 'wonder', which allows the answer to arise in its own time.

The truth arises from my whole being, rather than, from just my head. In this way, i don't impose the answer on my behavior. Instead, the behavior informs me.

Meanwhile, I appreciate myself and ask myself to practice patience, and carry on in my life, adjusting any behaviors, when i can. Easier said than done. :) If your process is similar or different than mine, when the 'right' answer comes through you, it will 'click'.

 

[quic]

You are starting to create a higher level of awareness. Even doubt is a form of awareness (tied up in fear). We are always aware of something in our life, often we seek out ideas to be a distraction so we don’t have to be aware of what we feel or think. Busy work, Tv, drugs, there are countless distractions that help us repress things to difficult to deal with. The closer you are to the problem the more likely you will try to distract yourself with busy work to keep from listening to your true self.

Allow what is in you to be present in your conscious mind, that is awareness. Notice how judgments about what is happening or has happened create additional pain, fear, anger or a sense of lacking. As you let out the emotional energy behind that wall you will start to feel calmer and more balanced. If you don’t feel calm, then there is something inside that needs to be addressed.

I wish you courage and strength to sort through all feelings and ideas bottled up inside. I can’t say "don’t be afraid" avoiding your fear will only prolong your problem. I hope you find a good therapist with an open heart to guide you through your challenge. Blessings

 

[Abstract]

If I am understanding you correctly this is about your intimate life with your husband. ? You say you were seen as a prude before but now now have to distract yourself. ?

The interesting choice of words you used were these:

as a tendency to punish yourself?

Is this related to the same issue? I hope it's OK me to approach the topic more directly than you did.

I too have big problems accepting the diagnoses whilst at the same time finding it incredibly enlightening. Good luck with the appointment...

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I had no interest, Abstract - always associated sex with shame - working through it, trying to work through it, and with really red cheeks right now. I was hoping that someone could tell me that they've had a similar experience without offending anyone with the more intimate details.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@Abstract - I thought about being less vague. But then I thought, grandmother talking about sex...That's just wrong.

 

[Abstract]

Not invalidating your feelings at all twodee3 but there is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you don't mind what I did. I suspect that most people answering did not realise what your main concern was or understand what you were actually saying. There will be people who have similar experiences I am quite sure. I wish I could share more about my stuff but I am not as brave as you are.

What I can say is that having intimacy when we know it is harming us is something a lot of people with trauma do. I will also say that when things come up that can look very different at various times for people.

You are allowed to talk about this and it is OK. Nothing wrong about it.

 

[bell]

Hey @TwoDee2ThreeDee, while I totally understand why your cheeks are red, lots of people associate sex with shame, unfortunately.

And a grandmother having sex?! Right on, I say! That whole age thing is a lot of crap, I think. Personally, I think that especially if you're older and have been married a long time, having lots of sex is both grand and beautiful... just don't wear that hubby out... ;)