(awkward Sex Related Topic) Is This Normal?

[Deleted member 27181]

This is really uncomfortable to talk about but I have a couple of questions. Me and my boyfriend have a pretty healthy sex life and I am usually fine (my trauma is related to sexual abuse - just clarifying) which my boyfriend was supprised with at first, but we both understand that I need to go at my own pace and not do anything I don't feel the most comfortable with. Which makes me feel comfortable enough to go through with sex on a regular basis. I feel I am improving, but I often go through periods where my sex drive completely diminishes. I get weird feelings, like I don't want to do anything (barely even want to kiss). I do want to but it feels like there is somthing stopping me. These periods of time can last for a couple of hours but it has gone on for 2 weeks.

It differs from genuinely feeling uninterested in sex, to debating in my mind whether I want to or not (which considering I am the most extremely indecisive person in the universe, is incredibly difficult and I often end tears whilst laid next to my boyfriend which then completely ruins any chance of me actually chosing the sex option).

Then there are times when I have a ton of confidence in the bedroom, I do things I wouldn't normally do and some things me and my boyfriend do in the bedroom, trigger me quite badly, but I still have this confidence to do them and I feel like there will be no confidence. But there are also times when I do wish to have sex, and we do, but I have little to no confidence during which makes me very timid and it overall less enjoyable for both of us (obviously we still do enjoy it but compared to normal/confident sex, ... well you get what I'm saying).

Now, no matter what we do during sex I, afterwards, will lay in bed almost in tears and be in some form of dissociative state. I'm still fully concious and I know what's going on but it's a mix of a mild panic attack, the after effects of a flashback and a dissociative state. I feel extremely out of it and vulnerable and when my boyfriend asks me what is up, I simply say I just need a moment and he distracts me with just everyday conversation which helps me take my mind off whatever it is I am thinking about (that being said, 99% of the time my mind is blank or I don't know what I am thinking about) and it works. Takes around half an hour to an hour to get me back to a smiling self.

I really don't know what's going on. It's freaking me out a little and yeah. Does anyone else experience similar feelings etc in regards to sex.

Before I met my boyfriend the majority of my nightmares, flashbacks and such revolved around my abusive father. I had the occasional trigger related to my sexually (and phsycially) abusive ex-boyfriend but not as many flashbacks etc. After meeting my boyfriend, I seem to have more PTSD syptoms related to the abuse from my ex-boyfriend compared to my father, I have narrowed that down to the fact there are more triggers and more fears surrounding being in a relationship, being intimate etc. And since I left college (which was just after meeting my boyfriend) I haven't been out as much and experienced as many triggers surrounding my father.

What can I do to help how I feel? It'd be nice to hear I am not alone with this.

 

[Leah123]

Yes, I relate to this. I've had a lot of these experiences with sex. I too was abused by my father while I was young. My advice is to be gentle and loving toward yourself. Have compassion.

On a practical note, I've found therapy and writing a lot to help me work through these issues to a place where I am more consistently comfortable and authentic and grounded during sex and around sexually charged situations.

Also, you sound young. Sex was much more mixed when I was young and coming to terms with my abuse, it has naturally gotten easier over time as I'm with my partner longer and away from the abusive environment.

:)

 

[Recovery4Me]

What can I do to help how I feel?

:hug: Love and acceptance vibes being sent your way.

Leah123 offered what I consider excellent advice. Father abuse, for me took several layers of removal for healthy recovery during different age times of my journey. Therapy was crucial to reconnecting body memories to the present partner and thriving.

In my most awkward & honest opinion, your body is letting you know it is time to do some more work with a therapist in order to feel whole, alive and not fear intimacy. Listen to your inner child voice and seek the help your deserve to heal. You are worth it!

Glad you are here among us to offer such a courageous share. Keep writing and stay strong as you are!

 

[Bonsiren]

Some personal sexual details below:

I have very similar feelings regarding my sex life. Before Boyfriend and I got together, I actually gave him a warning. My sex life is extremely difficult and inconsistent.

I have long stretches where I am utterly disinterested in sex. These periods of time can range from three days to three months. During those times, thinking about sex makes my skin crawl. I stop masturbating, Boyfriend and I stop having sex, and I can't bring myself to be interested in it no matter what I do. If I attempt to have sex, all I can think about are the times that I've been hurt and raped, and my body will completely shut down. We have to stop immediately, and I'll put on multiple layers of clothing and go sit on the computer or the couch or something and be alone.

Then I have long stretches where sex is all I can think about. These periods have a tendency to range closer to a month at a time. During these times, I masturbate multiple times a day and have sex at least once a day. I get super into it and do things I wouldn't normally do. Boyfriend and I are monogamous, so he is the only person I have any sexual contact with. I fantasize constantly and sleep naked.

Then I have other periods where my sex life is...closer to normal. I fantasize infrequently and masturbate about three to four times a week. Boyfriend and I have sex about twice a week, typically in the evening before bed. This is our standard. These periods last for two to four weeks at a time.

My orgasms are difficult to achieve and rarely happen during sex. I cannot stand to be touched afterwards and they bring me close to tears. Boyfriend actually kissed me once afterwards and I burst into tears. I had to go put on a few layers of clothes and I laid in the fetal position and cried for almost an hour. He felt like a monster. My orgasms are more comfortable when I'm alone, or when Boyfriend is nearby but isn't touching me.

As complicated as my sex life is now, it used to be significantly worse. I had to learn how to say no, because I felt like I was such a bad person for ever turning down my partner (that "I've already agreed, I can't turn him down now" sort of guilt). It took years for me to be comfortable putting my partner in their place. I hated my body and couldn't stand to look at myself.

Now, I look at myself when I'm naked and try to find something I like about my body. Every morning, I try to find something I like about my face. I pose naked. I'm not ashamed. I have higher self-esteem now than I've ever had before. I visit sex boutiques--like Eva's or Adam & Eve--maybe once every other month. The employees there are typically women and super friendly without being overly pushy. The environment was awkward at first, but it's helped me embrace my sexuality, both in and outside of sex.

Communication is huge. I talk to Boyfriend about everything. He knows where the line is and he knows better than to cross it. I place boundaries in regards to my body and try not to limit him. Since we're monogamous, I'm his only sexual partner, but if he needs to masturbate in the shower or something, I won't stop him or guilt-trip him. He's very respectful and sweet, and his understanding and patience have been very important to me. He's comfortable talking about his arousal, even if we haven't had sex in a while, but he's not pushy or aggressive and he'll stop if I want him to.

The biggest steps I've had to take are accepting the limits of my sexuality. Once I did that, I was able to make progress. I'm not perfect in bed and my sex life is still inconsistent, but I've been able to accept this and take baby-steps towards something healthier. Now the frequency is more consistent and the duration is longer. There's no pain, physical or otherwise, and I really enjoy myself. There's no guilt if I'm not feeling up to it.

You're not alone in this. It's taken me years to get this far and it'll take me years to get any farther, and that's okay. There are specialists and experts that can help you as well, but being in a healthy relationship and in a healthy environment is a great start. Learning to love yourself and be comfortable in your skin can do wonders.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

Thank you so much @Shmegegi for your openness. It was comforting to read in the sense, you've put into (better) words what I couldn't.

Communication is huge.

I get this and so I try to talk to my boyfriend about everything. But like how you said about how your boyfriend knows where the line is and not to cross it, even I don't know where my line is. My sex life is so inconsistant and my feelings towards sex are too and so determining what I can and cannot do at certain times is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I was talking to my boyfriend earlier, and apart from the fact everything I seem to say about sex - about how I feel - ends up making him feel horrible and like I don't want to have sex with him, but earlier on, we talked and I told him out right that I am often indecisive about sex and I genuinely don't know whether I want to have sex or not. I pretty much left it at that and he told me it made him feel a bit undesired and the fact I was having to decide whether or not to have sex with him or not, made it seem like I didn't want it at all. Which isn't true, my mind feels so messed up right now and I don't feel like he fully graps the concept of my mind being a mess. I tell him so and he says he knows and that it is okay, but it such a mess I don't know what I am feeling 90% of the time.

My boyfriend is perfect in the sense that when it comes to sex, I am incontrol of what we do and I can say stop whenever I feel the need and he wont have any hard feelings towards it. But, saying no still makes my stomach flip and I still get extremely anxious. My trauma (and these issues) are related to a boyfriend who wouldn't let me say no to sex, so saying no now is incredibly difficult. And I sound horrible and feel like I am attention-seeking and being a typical teenager by saying it, but I don't feel like he actually gets that that is where my problems stem from. I understand how he feels upset and not good when I tell him that part of me is frightened to say no - who would want to hear that from their girlfriend. But he takes it so personally, it's his personality. He's sensitive and overly worryful, which is sweet a lot of the time, but at times like this, I need him to understand. Obviously I don't expect him to have a heart of stone and not be affected by it.

How can I tell him things regarding my issues with sex (i.e. indecisiveness, saying no etc) without him getting upset and taking it to heart (thinking it's his fault)? Also, is there anyway to help this issue with not knowing how I feel about sex? One last thing, how can I help him understand that it's not him that makes me feel the way I do after sex, it's the feelings I have that are caused by past experiences (if that makes sense)?

I'm really not the best at talking, just talking in general. But I consider mine and my boyfriend's relationship to be honest and have good communication (to some extent). I just feel as though I am not communicating in the right way. Everything I say seems to upset him or come out wrong, causing me to have to do half an hour's worth of reassuring I do actually like sex and love him.

He's staying over tomorrow night. We have sex almost every time we see each other unless I specifically say "not to day" (which bugs me but that's a topic for another time), so today in the morning we both pretty much expected sex. I came up with the extremely no promises what so ever in regards to sex, a couple of months ago, which works for us since it doesn't get his hopes up.. giving me a bit more comfort in saying no on the occasions I do. But this morning, I wanted sex. But when he was at my house after college, I was avoiding doing stuff like kissing him more than just a peck and not laying in bed with him. It was fine, on my end, he started getting all like "what's up" and "are you alright?". So I went and laid down and then I got this horrible feeling in my stomach and I almost burst into tears. I told him I wanted sex this morning but now I don't and he was fine with it. But that then caused a whole series of upsets and mini arguments with me being dramatic and such.

Anyway, he's staying over tomorrow night and I don't know how to tell him I'm not in the frame of mind right now to be doing anything close to sex. I can't help feel guilty for turning him on, even the slightest bit, because it makes me feel like I'm messing him around.

Ugh, this was a really long post. And I'm sorry. I basically feel like I'm losing my mind and to be honest, sex is a big thing between me and my boyfriend since I can't/don't know how to show my love for him in many other ways, this is my way.. it's stupid, I know, but right now it's my only way and my not being able to or not being comfortable enough to, is killing me. My head is such a mess right now.