I haven't been on here in a very long time, not sure when I last posted - if it was before or after my most recent attempt in September. Anyways, here's the update portion before the I need advice/support portion.
Update: Made another attempt on my life in September, was taken in by ambulance, was actually admitted into the psych ward/floor after waiting almost a week in the ER. I attempted because of a court/trial that was supposed to be coming up (more on that in a bit). I did a fair bit of damage to myself, not sure if I'm having seizure like episodes now (started in the hospital) or what. I'm currently seeing a neurologist to see if they can figure it out, but it's been a long wait - it took from September until February to see the neurologist, now I have to wait until May to have an EEG done. I don't have typical full blown seizures, so they may not be that at all - they are also looking into MS because I am showing the beginning stages of that and the episodes may be a weird display of the nerves in my brain going wacky.
I'm off all my meds, I have been since January - this was a mutual decision between myself, my T, and my psychiatrist and doctor. I needed a break from them, I was too numbed out and drugged up. My T said she was happy I'm not on them anymore because I'm a lot more articulate now, and less zoned out. I am learning to control my emotions, and express them. I'm doing better with the expression portion of them, at least most of the time. I can at least tell my T why I feel the way I do, even if I don't allow myself to show/release the emotion. T has been seeing me pro bono since the summer because I can't afford to pay her (hoping she will be compensated through the court system soon), bless that woman for doing this for me. She's been my only consistent support for a while now.
Back to the trial thing - I was assaulted on the job in July, I was pressing charges, standing up for myself, and dealing with one of my big fears which is putting trust in the police. Long story short, the police officer who responded didn't collect two major pieces of evidence in July - the second camera view of the assault, and the statement from an employee that talked to the guy who assaulted me. Because of his shoddy police work I found out last week from the Crown that it won't be going to trial because he would be acquitted (due to it now becoming a "he said, she said" situation). So I have to settle for a peace bond, which does nothing. I have been an emotional wreck since last week, the trial was supposed to be next week. I feel destroyed inside.
Non-Update Chunk: I have been stuck in a severe depression since meeting with the Crown last week. I don't want to go to work, I'm so stressed and upset that it has aggravated the seizure like episodes and the numb/tingling in my feet and legs. Despite some good news this week I can't get excited or happy about it. I feel on the verge of having a break down, my last support other than my T is mad at me because I told her it was wrong of her to share what happened with the Crown to a mutual friend without asking me first. She hasn't talked to me in a week. My T hasn't been able to see me since I met with the Crown, I saw her the day before, and I see her tomorrow. I don't know how I will be for that, I hope I can let go and allow myself to be upset instead of shoving it down (which is what I've been doing all week). I really need a hug, I needed one from my friend that night but she's stepped out of my life now, so I really hope T offers one, I don't know if I will be able to ask. I'm worried about getting to a point again where making an attempt is an option in my mind. The hospital is not an option here because they turn you away for mental health reasons (it's a huge problem in this city), I don't drive anymore so I can't go elsewhere. I have my T, that's it, I wish I could pay her so I could see her more than once a week right now but I am still recovering from the financial losses I went through after losing my job due to the assault. Not sure what to do. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. I have zero power to change the trial situation, and that is really messing with me. I feel powerless, I am powerless, it really hurts.
Update: Made another attempt on my life in September, was taken in by ambulance, was actually admitted into the psych ward/floor after waiting almost a week in the ER. I attempted because of a court/trial that was supposed to be coming up (more on that in a bit). I did a fair bit of damage to myself, not sure if I'm having seizure like episodes now (started in the hospital) or what. I'm currently seeing a neurologist to see if they can figure it out, but it's been a long wait - it took from September until February to see the neurologist, now I have to wait until May to have an EEG done. I don't have typical full blown seizures, so they may not be that at all - they are also looking into MS because I am showing the beginning stages of that and the episodes may be a weird display of the nerves in my brain going wacky.
I'm off all my meds, I have been since January - this was a mutual decision between myself, my T, and my psychiatrist and doctor. I needed a break from them, I was too numbed out and drugged up. My T said she was happy I'm not on them anymore because I'm a lot more articulate now, and less zoned out. I am learning to control my emotions, and express them. I'm doing better with the expression portion of them, at least most of the time. I can at least tell my T why I feel the way I do, even if I don't allow myself to show/release the emotion. T has been seeing me pro bono since the summer because I can't afford to pay her (hoping she will be compensated through the court system soon), bless that woman for doing this for me. She's been my only consistent support for a while now.
Back to the trial thing - I was assaulted on the job in July, I was pressing charges, standing up for myself, and dealing with one of my big fears which is putting trust in the police. Long story short, the police officer who responded didn't collect two major pieces of evidence in July - the second camera view of the assault, and the statement from an employee that talked to the guy who assaulted me. Because of his shoddy police work I found out last week from the Crown that it won't be going to trial because he would be acquitted (due to it now becoming a "he said, she said" situation). So I have to settle for a peace bond, which does nothing. I have been an emotional wreck since last week, the trial was supposed to be next week. I feel destroyed inside.
Non-Update Chunk: I have been stuck in a severe depression since meeting with the Crown last week. I don't want to go to work, I'm so stressed and upset that it has aggravated the seizure like episodes and the numb/tingling in my feet and legs. Despite some good news this week I can't get excited or happy about it. I feel on the verge of having a break down, my last support other than my T is mad at me because I told her it was wrong of her to share what happened with the Crown to a mutual friend without asking me first. She hasn't talked to me in a week. My T hasn't been able to see me since I met with the Crown, I saw her the day before, and I see her tomorrow. I don't know how I will be for that, I hope I can let go and allow myself to be upset instead of shoving it down (which is what I've been doing all week). I really need a hug, I needed one from my friend that night but she's stepped out of my life now, so I really hope T offers one, I don't know if I will be able to ask. I'm worried about getting to a point again where making an attempt is an option in my mind. The hospital is not an option here because they turn you away for mental health reasons (it's a huge problem in this city), I don't drive anymore so I can't go elsewhere. I have my T, that's it, I wish I could pay her so I could see her more than once a week right now but I am still recovering from the financial losses I went through after losing my job due to the assault. Not sure what to do. My heart hurts in a way I've never felt before. I have zero power to change the trial situation, and that is really messing with me. I feel powerless, I am powerless, it really hurts.