Dom Violence Bad Choices Post-violence?

[NicG]

Hi guys, I signed up yesterday and thought I'd ask something that's been on my mind for a while.

Sometime between the age of 16 and 17 I got into a relationship with an older man who very quickly started displaying all your usual signs of abuse... isolating me from friends/family, destroying my self-esteem, being generally violent and angry (even in front of his family, who did literally nothing about it). I eventually broke up with this guy with the help of a few close friends. But 6 months later I was dating another man who I thought was great but in hindsight just ended up being another abuser.

The second guy was never violent towards me but right from the start he'd tell me I wasn't pretty enough for him but it was ok because I'd work on it, I wasn't fun enough but I'd work on it, he wouldn't come near me unless I had a face full of makeup (I'm not a particularly unattractive person, he was just REALLY up himself). What really threw me though was that he'd cheated on me with 5 different people and lied to me about it for months. When I found out he acted really sorry and promised he'd change and I foolishly stayed with him but a few weeks later he was whining that I wouldn't let him hang out with the people he'd cheated with. We broke up and tried to remain friends but I kept going back to him even though I hated myself for it, and ALWAYS getting screwed over every single time.

We agreed to not talk for a while but that agreed period ends today and I don't even know what I'm going to say to him. Why do I even care about our friendship anymore?? I can't help but feel like it's because I was abused... I hit absolute rock bottom with the first guy so I don't feel like I deserve any better? Hopefully I'm not the only one with issues like this, do any of you have any idea how to stop caring??

Thankyou for reading this whole thing if you have, it's a bit long!!

 

[Meadowsweet]

There's many reasons that you might be putting yourself through this.

One is that your self esteem may be very low - assholes sometimes choose people with low self esteem, because they can get away with it. He's also mentally abusing you to keep your esteem low.

It might be that you don't feel you deserve any better (again low self esteem). It might be that he seems better compared to the violent guy (I was in a relationship for 6 years because I thought "at least he wasn't violent").

But on that note, it might also be because it's a frightening unknown to be single and 'available' - every time we start a new relationship, or get to know someone new, we don't know if they are dangerous. So sometimes it feels less frightening to stay with the devil you know, than take the risk that the next one could be worse.

It may be that you're equally scared of being alone and unloved, or that what has attracted you to these men goes further back.

I would recommend some counseling to help you step off the pattern of abuse you are on.

As for what to say to this guy when you see him - nothing at all sounds good - but failing that you could try F off you pathetic little man.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome Nicole :smile:

I don't even know what I'm going to say to him.

As the song goes.... "sometimes it's best when you say nothing at all"... and with that I'd also say stay away. If you can't help yourself and fall back down into the same pattern my advice is don't even put yourself it that position in the first place if you get what I mean.

do any of you have any idea how to stop caring

There is nothing wrong with caring - that's actually not the problem as I see it. I would suggest that learning to let go and be okay with that is some of issue (like @Meadowsweet mentioned). Perhaps you may need to focus on re-defining your self worth with it not being by the means of a relationship status or a male? How do you feel reading what we have written? That may help you find your answers.

I kept going back to him even though I hated myself for it,

I see a double edged sword here as while going back is bad for you, then doing so and hating yourself can only pull your self esteem and spirits down further making you more vulnerable. Does that make sense?

Good luck - I hope you stay strong and don't go back.

 

[NicG]

Thanks guys... @Meadowsweet after having thought about it for a bit I think I'm some sort of combination of ALL of those things you mentioned. I am in therapy so I will bring all that up next time I go.

@Nicolette very good point about it being a rather vicious cycle of bad self esteem. And that it's not a caring thing, it's a self-worth thing. It's sad to read what you have written but at the same time I resonate with it which probably means you're spot on!

You both have a good point about staying away... he messaged me yesterday about how hard his life is and how he's feeling awful about a whole bunch of things and I didn't totally ignore him but I made it pretty clear that I'm not there to clean up the mess of his stupid life. He doesn't deserve me as a friend.
Thanks for caring :) I really appreciate it. Especially since you both seem to get what I'm going through!

 

[Nicolette]

Especially since you both seem to get what I'm going through!

It does help when others can identify with what you are going through and assimilate. Feeling understood and not alone will go a long way to helping you work through this. That's why places like this work as a good sounding board.