Bad Si, Husband Has Zero Empathy, How To Pull Through

[macca]

I've been struggling the last few weeks, the last two particularly. My husband who was finally supportive when I was diagnosed a few months ago, is no longer. He takes everything personally, even to the most innocuous of things. He read up on it and everything, but seems to think I should be better by now, since I've had 10 sessions. Never mind that I've been undiagnosed for 40 years. He tells me he wants me to relax, but then piles pressure on me. If I say anything, he complains and acts insulted.

I've been horribly depressed lately, and he's told me he's sick of my being negative. He's upset that I'm not supportive enough of him. I can't say anything, I can't do anything. Just like my whole life dammit. Grew up like that, it's part of what's made me so messed up. My body is shaking like a leaf, he knows my SI is bad, but thinks I'm doing this to HIM. He's even angry if I get startled. I'm not sure if he thinks I'm just being dramatic or something.

Our 13 year old son is struggling with OCD, and even though the psychologist has told my husband, and told him we need to gradually expose him, he is sick of it and thinks our son is just doing it to get attention. I have been tempted to leave at times, but I know that he would get really nasty, and has threatened me before that I will have to walk away from the kids if I leave, and I cannot do that. When he's good, he can be great. But I guess when he's bad, he is truly not nice.

I guess I'm just venting, but I'm also hoping that I'm not as worthless as I feel. I have no friends, and if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone this stuff. This is hell. I feel so alone. I'm torn about whether to post this, because of the guilt - you guys are all struggling too, I don't have the right to burden you. I have no hope of support from anywhere else, so I'm taking the risk.

 

[digger]

It's not a burden. People here can choose to read or not to read. To comment or not to comment. Yes, everybody here has their own shit going on, but when you comment and offer support to someone else here, do you think to yourself 'ffs I've got my own shit going on I don't want to be offering comfort and reassurance to other people!'? My guess is not ;)

I'm not sure I have anything helpful to offer on the other stuff, relationships aren't my forte! It sounds a pretty shit situation to be in though. I'm assuming you're on a break from therapy over the holidays, do you think that could be contributing? This time of year is so stressful for lots of people anyway that adding more on top can just feel too much.

I'm really sorry you're not getting enough support. Please keep posting x

 

[ill]

If 10 sessions were all it took to cure PTSD, none of us would be here and this site wouldn't exist. If only it were that simple.

Your trauma and trauma responses aren't about your husband, and neither is your son's OCD. At best, he's being self-absorbed and inconsiderate, at worst, I don't know. The part where he threatens you with not being able to see your kids - that shit is grotesquely manipulative and abusive by my measure, and it's obviously not in the best interests of either you or your kids, so wtf is up with that? And how are you supposed to feel loved, supported and safe when he's basically threatening you to stay with him? That he has the audacity to talk about how he needs your support even though he begrudges you his really gets my goat. The thing about a working, healthy partnership is that there is give and take from both sides but here it sounds very much like he wants everything to be exclusively on his terms (with most of the taking his and the giving yours). That would be a trigger for me and that would really make it hard for me to get well because that it what my childhood felt like.

I know it may not feel like it, but you can say and do something. When he puts pressure on you, you can say no. If he gets upset that you're startled, tell him your physiological responses can't be governed by his desires. If he insults you, tell him it's inappropriate and unhelpful and that you don't deserve it, because you don't. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to put your foot down, to be treated with respect and consideration. If he isn't capable of giving you that respect and care, I hope that you will be willing to, even if that means you have to walk away from him for a conversation, a day or forever. I have a friend who (jokingly) compared training her husband to training a dog, and I think there's some truth - you have to set boundaries, you have to enforce them and you have to be consistent. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to respect your boundaries, person, health, whatever - you won't accept anything less because you are absolutely worth it. You deserve to feel good, to feel safe, to have support, to be in a loving and committed relationship that feels loving and committed to you. What you want and need matters at least as much as what he wants and needs.

Regardless of his threats, I'm not sure he could actually prevent you from seeing or having custody of your kids, especially considering his lack of respect for his son's health conditions. Personally, I would document this stuff - write down dates (and even times, if you can) that he threatens you with taking the kids, that he is insulting to you, that he belittles your or your son's health conditions. You may not ever need it, but it's better to have it and not need it than otherwise.

How nasty does he get? Do you ever feel unsafe?

Thank you for reaching out and taking the risk to ask for help and support - it's scary and hard and it was so brave of you. We all need support, there's nothing wrong with asking for it, and you're not a burden.

ETA: My SI always gets worse when I don't feel safe and/or my needs aren't being met. I wonder how large a part your relationship with your husband has with your SI, given that you basically aren't allowed to feel your feelings, take care of yourself without being told to take care of him instead, or to even be startled. I'm not sure if I'm projecting, but you're basically not allowed to be you even or especially in your home, which is supposed to be your sanctuary. Instead, you have to always be on guard, be good, think of the impact on others, feel guilty for being yourself - that is stress on top of stress.

 

[macca]

Thank you all. It means so very much to have this support. I appreciate it more than I have words for.

@digger1 yes, I am on break from therapy for the holidays, I hadn't thought of that. I am supposed to have my first session of EMDR on the 7th, but I'm freaking out about it now.

My SI always gets worse when I don't feel safe and/or my needs aren't being met

you have to always be on guard, be good, think of the impact on others, feel guilty for being yourself

Oh wow - this first thing could be what's going on. I never thought of that. The second one - you just summarised my life - wow. He is treating me very similarly to how my family treated me growing up - it is very triggering. I was ignored, neglected and emotionally abused. I will try your suggestion, of putting more boundaries in place, though he is very stubborn and I've always had to give in to him. If I try to mention this, he just tells me how bad I am for having a low opinion of him.

He has never hurt me, though he does frighten me as he is large and intimidating. It's the emotional stuff that's hitting me hard.

Again- just having you guys respond has helped me. Thank you.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

And how are you supposed to feel loved, supported and safe when he's basically threatening you to stay with him? That he has the audacity to talk about how he needs your support even though he begrudges you his really gets my goat.

I have to agree with ill. It sounds like he thinks the whole world revolves around him, and it would be allright for you to stand up to him if you can or indeed walk away (even if just for a while) so he can appreciate what he has again. All of the above is such good advice that I don't really have anything to add. Besides the point that you really are not a burden :) All of us here get support from the forum somehow so I imagine everyone will be glad to do something in return.

 

[Abstract]

I've always had to give in to him

Macca, Is he nice but only when things are going his way or you are not setting boundaries? What happens when you set boundaries usually? I know we go into fight and flight anyway because of old fear but other than that what is your perception of this?

It seems his limited understanding is not only limited with you but extends to your child. Have you tried a session with your t together with him to speak through what PTSD is and how things are likely to go? Sometimes a psychiatrist is not a bad idea either as they tend to be less therapy like and more out there and direct. If you have a good one that understands trauma that is.

I suspect it is common for people to take it personally to some extent. Someone reacting to you as if you are jack the ripper when you are merely moving from room to room must be disconcerting. It depends how someone reacts to that though. Being a little sad and upset is one thing but getting resentful and unkind another.

I may be wrong but I am starting to suspect that this stuff is more resistant not only in relation to the extent and type of trauma but also to how long it has been buried and how completely it is surrounded by involuntary coping mechanisms. This is not like a case of you being r*ped two months ago and going for counselling now. You have concrete layers of dissociation, amnesia and internalised threats around it.

 

[WendyA]

@macca Thank you so much for deciding to post that. I was in the same situation, but my husband is bipolar. He is really good sometimes, but there are a lot more when he still doesn't get it and its all about him and what I'M doing to HIM. I am not, by any means suggesting this to you, but I just got separated. That's right separated when dealing with newly diagnosed PTSD, but it was the right thing to do for me. I felt that I couldn't heal in the house with him and also he was a trigger for me and was only getting worse as he would corner me into these conversations.

Please don't ever feel like you can't post something here. I have had some ridiculous, ranting, non rational posts and everyone understands and has been so supportive regardless.

Feel free to message me anytime if you need support.

 

[macca]

@Abstract - yes, he's good when things are going the way he wants. If not, then he isn't pleasant. We did have three couples sessions together when I was first diagnosed, but after the first one I got my diagnosis, and I was dealing with extreme symptoms, so the couples guy tried to help us understand what was going on. It did help initially, but I think he feels like his needs aren't being met. They probably aren't very well. I've always put everyone else first, and he's used to me doing that - I think he feels neglected as my tank is well and truly empty. I still put everyone else first, but haven't got as much to give as I used to. I think he sees our son as taking what energy I have left, as I'm trying to help him with the OCD. My husband thinks my son is manipulating me. Even though the psychologist has explained to him - I think he's disregarding her a little, like he does to me - she's young, and not as authoritative as it needs to be to get through to him, though she shouldn't have to be.

he was a trigger for me and was only getting worse as he would corner me into these conversations.

Wow. Thank you for posting, it helps out of this world to know I'm not alone, though I'm sad this happened to you. Mine does this to me too. He's learnt that it's a trigger, though he's insulted that it is, and resentful as well. I have been tempted to leave before, but he has so little empathy for our son's anxiety that I would have no say in how he treated him - my worst nightmare, that he might end up with issues like mine.

I guess I need to not make any decisions while I'm so messed up. Though it's hard to get well with this stuff going on. You guys have really helped - in fact I'm quite overwhelmed with your support - I'm crying again, but it's grateful crying.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Part of getting treatment for PTSD means changing the way you think about yourself and your relationships to try and eliminate some of the negative defense mechanisms that were built up. It is very difficult when people are used to seeing you in a specific way to now see you as someone who will actually take instead of just giving. It really isn't your or his fault but you are growing as a person, to identify boundaries. He may be missing the co-dependency but hopefully he will see how this is helping you and your son.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[Abstract]

t I think he feels like his needs aren't being met.

I've always put everyone else first

I hope he isn't on the narcissistic spectrum as that doesn't work well when the other party has needs and can't provide them with what they expect. They tend to need everything to be about them.

Everyone has needs and it is hard when the other party is in so much distress that that cannot give as they used to but healthy people can see the big picture and look for more realistic input from a partner. Expecting it to be as it was is not going to happen.
It sounds like you have always danced around him and even in normal circumstances and when the person is healthy and boundaries are first put down then one is seldom thanked for it initially.

Is your therapist more forceful and likely to stand up to him? I don't think it's couples therapy you need at present and rather more education although from the story with your son it seems it will be an uphill battle.

 

[macca]

@Abstract - I can't say I haven't wondered if he is on the narcissistic spectrum to be honest. There does seem to be elements of it. He's certainly an "alpha male" type. There are very few who can stand up to him, so I know it isn't just me. I'll have to think about that. I'd hate to put my therapist through it, he would dominate her too I think. There is some hope on the horizon with our son - the bad news is that his T is moving away (he has social anxiety too, but had finally started to feel more comfortable with her), but the good news is that her replacement is considered an expert and very experienced, with OCD in kids and teenagers. As she is older, and an expert, not only would my son benefit, but my husband might listen, if she is strong and decisive in her dealings with him. We don't get to see her for a few more weeks, so got to hold on, and then I'll have to try and help him overcome his social anxiety in seeing her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Of course your husband is hating this. For your entire relationship you have put him first at your own expense. Now that things are changing and he's not the center of the universe, he's throwing a fit. He reminds me of a spoiled brat who is used to getting everything he wants, and then suddenly when that stops happening, he throws a tantrum.

I feel so bad for you. I feel terrible for your son. I know the hell that is obsessive thinking and I want to kick your husband in the family jewels for even *thinking* that someone, let alone a child would fake OCD. This guy is a piece of work who has no capacity for empathy because it takes the focus off of himself.