Bad Si, Husband Has Zero Empathy, How To Pull Through

[scout86]

Instead of starting EMDR, maybe you should talk about all this with your T, first chance you get.

My ex is dead. (I had nothing to do with that! :)) so my T has never met him. We've talked about him though, and T says he sounds like he may have been a psychopath. I've thought a lot about this the past few months, because most of the few relationships I've been in were not real "healthy". What I realized, for ME, is that I've never learned to care how I "feel" about stuff and I've tended to end up being involved with people who cared about that even less than I do. In your case, I'm wondering how much potential this guy has to actually BE involved in a healthy relationship. I don't know the answer to that. I do know, though, that it might be hard for you to judge it too, where you're at in the process right now.

I'm NOT going to tell you to give up on your marriage. It's a big step that should be thought through. I AM going to suggest that this guy may actually BE incapable of empathy. You deserve better, so do your kids. If he's going to be a roadblock to your recovery, you may have to make a choice and you may have to give him one. (He can chose to get with the program or head down the road.) Before you do anything confrontational, see a good lawyer. I'm not kidding! You will have options, but you need to have a plan in place. Don't sell yourself short. Going through a divorce wasn't fun, but the relief I felt, heading out the driveway the last time, was unbelievable.

Like someone else said, recovery is all about change. Your spouse may be perfectly happy the way things have been (from the sound of it, what's not to like? It's him and his way 100% of the time.) He may not be willing to change. He may not be able to change. He may not realize you're serious about change. I don't know. But I DO know, you deserve someone in your life who will stand by you and support you. So do your kids. You owe it to yourself, and especially to them to make that a priority.

Glad you posted this! I know what you mean about not wanting to bother people. Your not doing that. You're giving people a chance to feel worthwhile, if they can help and to think and grow and learn from your experiences.

Take care and good luck!

 

[Jane.l]

Feeling for you - my very recent ex husband is narcissistic - only taken me 17 years and three children to realise !!!! and really it was the PTSD that brought it to light. I can't believe I put up with such emotional abuse without seeing it - for so long.

That might not be the case at all for you but take care.

 

[Dee Morris]

Sounds very similar to my marriage. If I had a panic attack he would become irritated and act like I was triggered on purpose and just inconveniencing him. He was incredibly insensitive. I even gave him the benefit of the doubt and took him to my psychiatrist and therapist appointments one time so that hopefully my team could help him understand better how to help me. He simply used used the time to bitch about my symptoms and why wasn't I better yet. Not once did he ask what he could do/not do to help me in my healing. That's when I knew that my "partner" was not interested in my healing and that if I wanted to ever feel better that I was going to have to remove his power to hold me back. For me, that meant divorce but it took me two years of weekly therapy and monthly psychiatrist visits to find the strength to finally put together a plan to get out. I will tell you that the stronger I began to feel, the more my ex's behavior began to spiral. The sicker I was the more control he had over me and the relationship. That's not acceptable to me.

 

[anonymous]

When I had nightmares and would be highly distressed and asleep my husband would punch me on the shoulder or body.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm so sorry you don't have a support system at home, you deserve so much more in terms of support.

Just to reiterate why others have said, we are all here for you- at anytime! I'm pretty positive you could pm anyone and they would be so happy to help you. We are here for you, to give advice or just listen:)

 

[macca]

Seriously - you guys are amazing. I was struggling big time, and it helps so much that there are people who care. So much. I could never approach people in person with my struggles. Having this support gives me hope.

If my husband realised I'd posted this stuff - he would be terrifyingly angry. He does not like to be criticised. Well, I don't like it either, to be honest! But he won't have it. He likes to "talk" things over, but is only interested in my admitting "guilt". If I don't admit it, then he keeps going, regardless of my distress level, until I "get it". He does admit if he thinks he's wrong, but he always thinks he's right, therefore he "is" right. I have tried to dare tactfully mention this stuff, and have been shot down in flames for not having a high enough opinion of him, it was a bad reflection of me. If I don't give him examples, he dismisses it. If I do give him examples, he becomes even angrier and says that I shouldn't bring up the past.

I actually did a questionnaire from an ebook by an ex-FBI agent (I've read a body language book of his and it was - wow) - "Narcissists Among Us" by Joe Navarro. I tried to be as objective as possible, because there's always the chance it could be me after all. The score I came up with was 31; a score of 35 denoted not a full-blown narcissist but someone who will "occasionally take an emotional toll on others and may be difficult to live with". My father was on there too, with a similar score, but in different aspects. He was the main source of my emotional abuse. I saw it in my father, but hadn't been so sure with my husband. But I fear his having a similar effect on our youngest son. The elder two seem ok, and I hope they are.

So maybe he's not seriously bad. He's good when things are going well for us. Just not good at all when things aren't going the way he wants. I'm ok at the minute, but I am afraid of his reactions right now, as it is highly triggering for me, and he doesn't understand. I DO need to talk to my T about this. I feel like I'm going to be in therapy the rest of my life!