Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

But adults? Have to be willfully ignorant …or locked away on a compound in extreme since birth; never attending school, reading books, watching tv/film, having friends, going to work, knowing colleagues & clients/customers …for abuse to be “all” they’ve ever known. Everyone else? Has observational skills, and experience outside of abuse, and is aware that there are a whole lotta different ways to treat people, and to choose how to live one’s life

I think this part might be what I struggle with the most. Because yes, most humans can observe all the life around them and choose different. But I think where I get stuck is even with that, so many of us have these ruts that we’ve been stuck in due to childhood wounds that it takes forever to realize and unpack. Like what’s the actual difference between me bingeing on food because it’s the only thing I had control over as a kid versus him molesting me because he was maybe molested or otherwise had his power taken away as a kid?

 

[Friday]

Like what’s the actual difference

What’s the difference between eating food and raping a child?

This is your diary, so I don’t want to overstep… so I would suggest you bring it to your therapist that you don’t see a difference between those 2 things.

 

[OceanSpray]

What’s the difference between eating food and raping a child?

This is your diary, so I don’t want to overstep… so I would suggest you bring it to your therapist that you don’t see a difference between those 2 things.

When you frame it that way I want to rage and be like of course there’s a massive difference. But also, I made that idiotic statement and got myself stuck here. You’re never overstepping, I’m just struggling.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

@OceanSpray, So true.

 

[Friday]

But also, I made that idiotic statement

Spoiler: TLDR : Not idiotic, just DEEP in trauma.

It’s less of an idiotic statement than a flashing neon sign of how DEEP in it you are with trauma stuff (avoidance, minimization, blaming yourself, secrets and shame and lessons learned in trauma, core beliefs and cognitive distortions, attempting to understand/explain/relate, etc., etc., etc.), that things are sooooooooo muddied it feels right that there’s no difference between you & your abuser. That whole feelings aren’t facts & emotions don’t logic so hot, but my head is so busy trying to protect me, that it’s not challenging these feelings, but jumping down the rabbit hole and seconding/reinforcing them.

Hence the whole it’s reeeeally worth bringing to your T, because there is a whoooooole helluva lotta stuff to unpack & untangle.

Let’s revisit, this, though…

But I guess I was looking for an explanation for why he was the way he was. I think I found it, to some extent anyway. I know it doesn’t excuse the things he did. I know that. But also, doesn’t it kinda? If that’s all you’ve known?

“Why”, when you’re talking about certain subjects, gets pretty dicey.

Because the attempt to understand? Is NOT a bad thing, BUT it naturally attempts to relate / draw parallels… that, when one is in a certain headspace… don’t reeeeeeally exist / are NOT the same. But? Do feel the same.

((Like, why was I raped? Because I was wearing a pretty dress!!! (Or said hello, or was out late, or a 1,000 other things. But let’s stick with the dress). Well, I can understand someone not being able to control themselves, because I don’t have perfect control, either…. So, I’m no different from them… Which means it’s really not their fault they lost control, as it was a reeeally pretty dress, and my choice to wear it. I won’t wear pretty dresses anymore. That way rapists will be able to control themselves. It’s as much my fault as theirs. It’s all my fault, really. No one has perfect control, all the time. Might as well have given a diabetic a cookie. What was I thinking? I should apologize for my part. I was so stupid. How could I have done this to myself?))

If you picked a different kind of trauma, that doesn’t have its claws in you, you could undoubtedly have exceptional boundaries with “Why”. Describing the various subtypes, what brings most people to it, Venn diagrams of this, that, and the other. Etc. etc. etc. etc.

Here’s where I hope bombings are not in your history

((Like, there are 3 standard bomber profiles. Political, Ideological, Revenge/Retaliatory/Injustice Collectors. In each of those three, there dozens of variations, like suicide bombers are nearly all young adults in profound grief/bereavement OR radicalised teens looking to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Meanwhile across all of those dozens there’s also a venn/trifecta/cocktail of power disparity, mental illness, & malic… ET CETERA. People are complicated, and lives are complicated, to in order to accurately assess/describe/understand? Things get complicated.))

All kinds of “why” (when it’s not your own history) that even if/when you relate to components of those profiles/histories? STAY complicated. Cognitive distortions don’t attempt to warp them, or oversimplify, or dismiss them. They doesn’t attack your sense of self, nor your perception of the world (what you believe is right/wrong, etc.). Et Cetera. The WHY is something you maintain perfect boundaries with.

But?!? When it’s your own trauma history, and indivudals in play? Things get dark fast.

I hope that parses? I’m really not at my best right now, or I could be both clearer AND more concise! >.<

 

[OceanSpray]

Thank you Friday, this does help a lot. I’m not ignoring, just taking time to absorb and figure myself out.

 

[OceanSpray]

I don’t know who I am.

 

[OceanSpray]

I thought I had an understanding that my mother and I weren’t fundamentally different. I didn’t realize how set in stone that thought was until tonight. I didn’t realize just how core level I’ve considered is ultimately the same.

We won’t go into why that’s not a sweet sentimental thought.

But tonight shined a spotlight on something else I would consider absolutely at my core who I am.

I had to drive my mother to a place tonight that doesn’t have a strict time as to when anyone needs to be there. It’s a decent drive though in one direction and we’d started on it.

We live in an area that is not built for pedestrians. Tight roads, fast speeds, no shoulders let alone sidewalks.

And there’s a kid trying to walk down the road.

She didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want to stop. She didn’t want to stop.

Thankfully I was the one driving and damn right I stopped. He was a little sixth grader trying to walk six miles home in very dangerous area less than an hour before sunset because his mom wasn’t answering the phone.

This is a woman who would stop for every stray dog but won’t for a kid? And then was irritated because that six miles was in the opposite direction.

 

[OceanSpray]

So that’s at least three people now who don’t get it. I feel crazy.

 

[OceanSpray]

Had therapy yesterday and started feeling way better about so many things and then bam we’re back to nightmareville. How wonderful.

 

[OceanSpray]

I had a thread about fantasies and masturbation awhile ago and I don’t feel like unburying it so I’ll just post here.

Some changes have happened and it’s left me kind of frustrated. I can’t seem to get myself there anymore. None of the old fantasies are working anymore, but nothing new and “healthy” or even unhealthy is working either. It’s similar to the feeling of going on antidepressants for the first time, the urge is there but you get started and everything that once would have pushed me further just basically deflates me. Weird analogy since I’m a girl, but hey.

Books that I used to love reading aren’t working. Instead I get in my head of like wait did I actually like that before?

Kinky dynamics that I used to defend because it’s all adults not hurting anyone, I’m now starting to question.

Nothing is working and the frustration comes from the fact that that’s a big stress reliever for me and now it’s just gone and is being replaced by more frustration. Wet dreams have increased significantly and I try to get myself going before that feeling completely goes away but unsuccessful every time.


I don’t know what to do.

 

[OceanSpray]

Cried tonight. A lot. Marking for therapy.