Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Still bad this morning. Seriously considering not going to work but I don't want to let anyone down. It's a bank holiday so there are only four staff members in and I'm running the place.

I haven't slept very well and every noise makes me jump. The budgies woke up early this morning and where normally I enjoy their song at the moment it grates on me. It's like the noise filter is missing in my head.

I don't want to start not going in to work when my day starts off badly because it will become a habit all too easily. Sometimes going in has helped. Today we'll see.

Today's aim: Make it through at least half of the work day.

 

[Wyakin]

I have realised something. After being told off for displaying certain PTSD related behaviours, most notably hyper vigilance and lack of eye contact, I have become more isolated.

The reason I displayed these behaviours towards my manager is because I felt comfortable enough around her to not wear a mask all the time. Now though I am not allowed to take my mask off. (Not by her choice.)

Being told off for it has made it more clear to me that it is not acceptable to the rest of the world and made me fight even harder to hide it. This is having a negative affect on me. I do not want to display these behaviours I would quite like them to stop but it was nice to have a couple of people I didn't feel I had to hide everything from.

Now though that is gone and with it has gone my willingness to reach out and ask for help. Yes, I am still pursuing treatment but if I am struggling at home or at work I am just pushing on where as before I might have gone and found someone I can relax around to talk about random stuff with.

I thought I was fighting off isolation because I was still working and still seeing my friends but I realise now that it is possible to be surrounded by people but still be completely alone.

 

[Wyakin]

Today I have given in to how bad I am feeling. I have worked all day but now I am home I have just let it all go. I have been fighting and fighting and fighting to come across as ok to people but I don't have the energy. I have tried not to wallow in any misery, tried to keep my head up and keep going, tonight I don't care.

I am going to let myself feel as crap as I do and let go of my control. I am low, so much lower than I have been. The first true emotions I feel in weeks and it is a deep sadness tinged with anger. Tonight I will let go and tomorrow I will take back control and find my mask for the outside world. Just one night of admitting that everything is too much. One night as me.

 

[Wyakin]

Right today is a new day and it is time for a fresh outlook. My manager is back in so I have to get some form of normality about my behaviour.

I am supposed to be booking a doctors appointment for some point today. A massive part of me doesn't want to since I get so stressed out going but at the same time she told me she wanted to see me today so I feel I should.

I am also hoping for a phone call from the doctor I saw Friday.

I hit a real low point last night but I am hoping letting myself hit it has got it out of my system for a little while. This morning I certainly seem to be back to my usual numb self.

Today's aim: Grounding, grounding, grounding.

 

[Wyakin]

Not a bad day today. Started with my manager catching me in the office first thing to ask how I am. I told her most of it but not all, she doesn't need to know everything.

I went to the doctors. I told her how much worse I am since Friday and how much I am not sleeping. I did zone part way through but came back to myself pretty quickly. She has increased my citalopram and put me on amitriptyline to help me sleep. I am so exhausted.

I have managed to mow the garden again to get it to the length I want it at. I spent most of the day updating my manager on the goings on at work while she was away as well as helping me friend.

A better day than I was expecting.

 

[Wyakin]

I didn't make a morning post today; I didn't feel up to it. I have been to work today and kept myself busy but it feels like I am just going through the motions.

My manager asked me yesterday to see if my bad days are directly connected to the nights when my old dog has a seizure (he is prone to fits, suspected brain tumour) or whether his seizures come after one of my worse days. Having looked I see that disturbed nights, cleaning up and sorting my post-ictal dog who messes himself during a grandmal seizure tend to lead to bad dissociation in the mornings.

If I try to go back to sleep after a seizure I often wake up to nightmares and have worse flashbacks in the day. If I stay awake I just struggle to ground myself in general. My bad days do not make him worse though which makes me feel better.

I do not think that it comes as any surprise that lack of sleep makes things worse. Even people with full control over their thoughts struggle with little sleep let alone those of us who struggle to keep some form of rein on our thought processes.

I have a day off tomorrow which means I get to sleep in, if the animals allow it.

 

[Wyakin]

I have retreated to a cat room now for a cuddle having just had a flashback.

Part of me wants to sit down and process it but I know I am not in the right place to do that at the moment. I am tempted to go home, I think I need to write about it but my friend is struggling today and I don't want her to feel she has to stay because I have gone.

I am exhausted, I managed to get to the disabled toilet so no one witnessed me having it but they are just so draining.

 

[Wyakin]

I had my call from the Trauma Doctor today. They have agreed that I would benefit from their help. The normal next step is a 6 week group course to learn about PTSD it's symptoms, it's causes, grounding techniques etc. The groups are normally a mixture of 6 people both male and female however having discussed it with him we decided that wasn't suitable for me as I find it very hard to even cope one on one. So I am going on the one on one waiting list for the course. He thinks it will take a few weeks to come through.

Today I had a flashback. It is one I have had before but never quite as strong, I had it at work. I have never had one like that at work before. I have managed to get through work for the rest of the day but I realise now how much of an affect this is all having on me and my life. I have been in denial until now but to have a trauma specialist confirm that he thinks I have PTSD and with everything spiralling I am beginning to wonder how I will continue to cope.

 

[Wyakin]

Another flashback written, remembered. It helps a little to write them, a way of getting them out of my head.

I will share it now, please be warned of unpleasant content.

One drags me up and pushes himself in my face. He tells me to open my mouth, I clench my jaw to try to stop it, he hits me. I open my mouth to say no and he pushes his way in.

It fills my mouth, I choke. He has hold of my head, forcing it back and forth. He pulls out, I want to vomit but he hits me again. Another stands by waiting his turn, touching himself.

I am crying, I know I am crying; tears from choking, tears of fear, tears of shame. They are all over me and I am begging for them to stop, please just stop but they don't care, they aren't listening. Restrained by one as the others take their goes, more hitting and blows, not enough to bring unconsciousness but enough to bring pain.

 

[Echo]

No words, just gentle hugs ....:(

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Echo


No energy to write today. Just feeling like giving up. Hoping work will pull me out of this pit I seem to be in.

Today's aim: Eat breakfast and keep it down.

 

[Wyakin]

It seems I was wrong, apparently I do have more to say today -

Rape, I hate that word. I hate it for what it means and stands for. I hate that it is so short, four little letters to describe an event that would change my life forever. I could write it in capitals, RAPE, but it still doesn't do justice to what I and others have gone through.

Some people use it so casually and yet, for me, it makes my stomach flip. Part of my hatred I think is the hold this one word has over me, rape. It has the ability to send my crashing back to that day faster than I can even begin to stop it, it has the ability to render me a weeping sobbing mess, it has the ability to make a situation I was coping with suddenly completely unbearable.

How can one word do that? I know why because I have experienced it. One word to sum up an extreme act of violation towards another human being. I feel we all deserve a bigger word, a word that truly gives meaning to our horrors but I do not even know where to begin to find one. I guess in it's simplicity rape does part of the job, it is up to us to make others understand.

However it does mean I have run out of time for breakfast so I will have to settle for eating lunch instead.