Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

A flashback at the end of lunch forced me to return to work late. Unfortunately I had another once I got down there. I had it in the staff room, I am so embarrassed and ashamed. The only person present was my friend, she helped me through but I know it upset her. I hate that. I hate the affect this has on other people. I wish I could be invisible.

Two people walked in while I was having it. I spend all my time trying to be normal, trying to stay in control and today I made such a show of myself, I don't even think ashamed covers it.

I pulled myself together and continued the day, I even introduced a dog to it's potential new owners but nothing can erase how I feel about this afternoon.

My manager wants to speak to me tomorrow before I go on a home check. I hope she just wants to make sure I am ok to go but I suspect she wants to point out to me I shouldn't have flashbacks at work and how it bothers other people. I don't even want to think about it now but I know it will be on my mind all evening.

I love my job, I really do but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I wonder if I would be fighting so hard if it wasn't for the fact my home comes with it. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I shouldn't be working. I don't know, I'm just so tired.

 

[Wyakin]

I didn't do a morning post today. I wasn't in the right mind for it.

Today was a very hard, very draining day. I still ache from yesterday's flashbacks and didn't have a very good nights sleep.

I went down to work early so I could do something towards the animal care before meeting with my manager. So I readied the field section feeds, fed the rabbits and went in to the office. My friend had already arrived, she stayed nearby while I looked up the location of today's homecheck. Everything is easier when she is present.

The meeting took me by surprise. My manager was incredibly supportive, we discussed why the flashback happened as it did and she agreed I did everything I could after the first one and I could not have known the second was coming. She explained her concerns and we discussed them, I promised to keep her up to date with what is going on. I am confident now that she trusts me to tell her when something changes. I told her about struggling on Sunday and I told her about the different types of flashbacks I get. I think that helped her understand little.

She already knew I was sexually assaulted but nothing more than that. I have always had a good relationship with her and up until recently I trusted her a lot. Today I realised that the walls I had built had excluded her as well when really she just wants to support me. When she said she felt I was ready to say something and she was prepared to listen I didn't know what to do, I have never told anyone out loud but she was right I was ready to open up.

I told her there were three men, I told her I was raped, I told her about the violence. She asked some questions but gave me plenty of time in between to calm down and respond as I could. I told her about my guilt and shame. She told me it was normal. She had looked up PTSD and rape as she already suspected that is what had happened. We talked about all sorts, including my brother. I cried once but she came round the table and said, "You're not a huggy person and neither am I" but she put her hand on my back and helped me through the tears.

We discussed things and chatted about things. She asked if I was still self harming and I said no. I did not say that I still get urges but I fight them off. When she said to me that she finds knowing what happened easier than knowing I am hurting myself I nearly cried again. I hate upsetting people and I hadn't realised how much I had hurt her.

We also discussed suicide. She knows I wouldn't do it because I have been on the other side of suicide and I would not put my friends and family through that. However we did reach the conclusion that if it wasn't for that experience I would probably be suicidal. If I could up and disappear without affecting or upsetting anyone at this moment in time I would just to get away from the flashbacks. I am comforted knowing she now believes me when I say that is not something she needs to worry about.

After the three hour meeting I went home for a nap, I was very emotionally drained. An hour and a half later I woke up, had some toast and went back to work. My friend was back from the homecheck and I spent the rest of the day in the office enjoying her company. I told her how my meeting went and I think she was relieved. She did say she thought it was good I had opened up, I agree it took a load off of my mind however exhausting and I really do think it has helped my manager to understand more about me.

She had something to tell me but it was no longer the right time. I pushed for a little while and got some out of her but I guess if the right time ever comes up again she will tell me. It means a lot that she cares enough to think about me. I am happy for her as well because she had some good news.

I did start to struggle towards the end of the day, my friend had given me something to help me ground, a little pink flexible man. I kept zoning and she kept directing me back to him. I decided to go to the shop after work to get some dinner. I started to have a panic in the queue when the man in front resembled an attacker so I pulled my pink man out and fiddled with him until I calmed down and the man left so he is already helping!

I am exhausted now and I am starting to struggle to focus, the pressure on my wrist is worse. I chatted about other stuff today to but I am not really able to sort it in my mind now. I hope I don't have a flashback tonight. I don't think I can handle one right now.

 

[Wyakin]

My new friend.

 

[Wyakin]

Pushing pushing pushing, too tired to fight it.

 

[Wyakin]

I got stuck last night. Flashback after flashback after flashback, each one triggering another with just enough time in between to realise what is happening but not enough time to stop it. Looking at when I last posted here and when I finally heard and answered my friends frantic messages I was gone for almost three hours.

The first thing I remember is my phone going off, then going again, I remember thinking something must have happened. I vaguely remember it going off in between some of the others but I was too far gone to respond or link what the noise was to the present. I sent a message, I'm not even sure what I was trying to say but it let her know I was alive. We had a short chat, just enough to bring me back but it was late and we both needed to go to bed.

This morning I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. Yesterday was a very long day although I believe the emotional draining in the morning was worth it for the weight that has been lifted a little off of my shoulders. Another person who understands me as much as anyone can.

I ache from head to toe, every movement takes a huge amount of thought and effort. My calf muscles have cramped up twice already this morning. I will still go in to work though, I'll just try to take it easy or at least hope for a quiet day. I just hope I can get my brain under control a bit more before I go.

The flashbacks are definitely getting worse. They are coming more often as a group than just the odd one here and there. I don't know whether it is my fear of them that is making them worse or something else but I am already finding myself trying to avoid my known triggers and I spend much of every moment worried when the next one will come. I know that doesn't help but I can't stop myself.

Time to be positive today about the day. I bought cake for the staff to make up for not really being at work yesterday, it is sort of sunny, Scooby seems to be in a troublesome mood and one of our cats is having his home check today.

Today's aim: Actually do some animal work.

 

[Wyakin]

Triggered.

I'm beginning to realise that the bird aviaries are a real problem for me. I know why, it's being locked in a small space I can't stand, it makes me feel trapped and I can't cope with it.

I used to just push through and do them but now I find myself avoiding them.

This morning I tried to do the little aviary but it was too much. Now I keep feeling pressure and pain. My right hand feels like someone has stamped on it. I am trying to keep going but this really hurts.

It will pass I am sure.

 

[Wyakin]

Still trying to find calm from this morning. The littlest of things sends my brain wandering. I don't know if this is fall out from yesterday or if this is me going in to a downward spiral. I am losing control, I don't want to go back there but every time I stop it pushes and pushes. Maybe I am just tired. It has been a long week.

Can't shake this feeling of being trapped, I want to get away but I don't know where to. I need a break from the flashbacks. Just one day would be nice or even a few hours of not feeling like one is there lingering under the surface waiting to boil over when I least expect it.

If I wasn't so stubborn I'd give up fighting them but last nights marathon of memories is not something I want to repeat.

 

[Wyakin]

Strange evening tonight. Spent all afternoon fending off a flashback, managed to ground myself (with the help of a friend and Pinkman) until I sat down at home then it hit. For me it classes as a short one, approximately 20 minutes I think. Ever since then though I keep feeling dizzy, like when you are drunk and lay down in bed and the world spins around you momentarily then settles but it isn't settling for me.

Along with the dizziness I have this heat in the right side of my head, it flares whenever I get dizzy and my right eye feels like it wants to be shut. I can only assume this is something to do with them kicking my face. I am also feeling pressure in both my wrists making moving feel like I am going through syrup. I keep finding I am flexing my hands and when this happens my heart rate increases.

I just don't understand this. I have tried grounding but it isn't working. I don't know what more I can do.

 

[Hope4Now]

Wyakin, I've not been very active on the forum lately so I have lost track of what's going on with people. Forgive me if I am repeating things or seem clueless.

On the flashbacks...have you been able to tune into when they are coming? The fact that you say you were fending them off makes me think so. I do this too--trying to fend them off. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Most of the grounding stuff, like breathing and feeling your feet on the ground, etc. just isn't enough for me. I usually run away somewhere when I feel one coming on, so I don't know if being with another person would be helpful or not. It probably would, but I am very frightened of letting anybody see me when this happens.

If I can manage to write, it helps, but my handwriting gets really wonky, and typing is just too difficult and frustrating. The other day, my therapist told me to hold an ice cube in my hand...that helps briefly. Someone on the forum also mentioned sipping ice-cold water which helps some. I also tried drawing what I'm feeling as the flashback comes on...I've only done this a couple of times, but it helped and is easier than the writing which requires the formulation of language. A couple of times, the drawing turned into something interesting that helped me learn something about my inner self. I'm also finding that listening to music can help if I can get to something that I like and can sing really loudly to.

Here is another thing that does help but takes a lot of visualization practice and focus. It might sound weird to you because it is related to the type of therapy that I'm doing. Ask the "part" of yourself that is flooding you with all the flashback energy to give you a little space. Ask kindly and gently, and tell that part that you want to listen to what it has to say and be compassionately there for it, but you cannot do that if it is flooding you with sensation or emotion or thoughts. You might ask it to "sit" in a chair next to you so you can see it and listen to it.

I am wishing you courage and patience as you work to manage these.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Hope4Now I do not mind people repeating things because sometimes they go in one ear and out the other.

I generally have an idea of when they are about to happen and like you I normally run and hide myself away but just lately I have had one or two that have just taken over. I have also found the last few days I am slipping more often in to beginning of one when around people, my friend has been brilliant at redirecting me back on to the present by reminding me of the task I was carrying out or asking me a question. If caught early enough sometimes that's all I need to hold it off a little bit longer but if left I will go in to it completely.

I have yet to hold one off completely, I can often keep them away just long enough to reach a place of safety but the minute I stop they take hold. I do not have the energy to fight them all day and all evening so I am finding I am working my day then coming home and falling to pieces.

At the moment I primarily use Pinkman (little pink toy my friend have me) and things I can see to keep myself here. Normally the first thing that goes is my sight so I find if I can keep that part of me busy normally coupled with touching the things I am looking at and naming that they hold it off. I am also trying not to let myself slip in to autopilot, I try to be aware of every task I am doing because going in to autopilot usually leads to me not noticing one coming. It is exhausting though, I ever realised how much of my day was spent on autopilot until I stopped allowing myself to do that.

I am not very good a visualisation but I have never had any proper direction in it. It is something I am hoping to do more reading on when I have a bit better control and can actually focus long enough to read. I do draw sometimes as well but I have to admit I find typing works better for me.

I hope you are doing ok today, I had missed you around the forum. Gentle (((hugs))) if you'll accept them.



Morning post:

The dizziness seems to have gone and I have had an ok sleep. One nightmare but I dropped back off a shortly after. I feel a desperate need to put pressure on my wrist, I cannot explain it. It's like a compulsion so I found myself an old hair band and put that on there, it seems to be working so far.

I messaged my manager last night. I have come to the decision that the best way to get her to trust that I will tell her when I am struggling is to be the want to start the conversation rather than wait for her to ask. Eventually I will be able to take a step back but she will be sure in the knowledge that I will speak if I have a problem. I also takes the pressure off of other people.

I just told her that I had been struggling the last few days. I reaffirmed that talking to her on Wednesday was a good thing and had helped. I didn't say I wasn't likely to ever speak like that to her again but I feel that way because I do not think there is anymore to say. I cannot speak anymore about what happened without going in to detail which I am not going to do so apart from talking about my feelings, which she is not trained to deal with, there is nothing more to discuss. She said she'll catch up to me today to find out how I am but that's fine, it's what I expected.

One more day then I have a weekend off, my Dad is visiting this weekend and staying the night. Some part of me is wondering if now is the time to tell him what is happening to me and why. I do know if I will or not until I do or don't.

I am relatively numb this morning which is almost a blessing in comparison to the despair I have sometimes been feeling the last couple of days. My anxiety is sitting at it's usual point and I am hopeful for a busy but enjoyable day. Last nights flashback doesn't seem to have left me with too many aches and pains either so I think that is a good start.

Today's aim: Be honest with my manager about how I have been struggling the last couple of days, within reason.

 

[Wyakin]

Not a bad start to the day. I worked the morning routine by myself as my colleague was off dropping a dog at the vet for an operation. That was really nice, just having myself to think about.

I am still getting pressure in my wrist which is causing my hand to shake but nothing other than that. I have had a few fleeting images and moments of anxiety but they have passed as quickly as they have come. I did slip in to autopilot when cleaning the dog kennels but came out of it before I got too deep.

I have spoken to my manager. I told her I was struggling, discussed that I should have gone home yesterday but because I recognised that she was fine with it. The head of HR has asked for permission to contact my doctor about the PTSD diagnosis, there main question being 'how long might they have to make adjustments for me?'. I have pointed out to my manager that my GP cannot possibly know that but I have signed the paperwork anyway because they won't find out anything I haven't already told them. They have also asked to see the full report from the trauma service. I have said no to that, I shared what I was willing to share and nothing more. My manager was fine with that and she understands why.

I did tell her about my issue with the aviaries and the rabbits (I realise I don't like being in a stable with the door shut) and why these issues exist and she has just said to continue as I am and try not to make a big deal out of avoiding it. I said that was fine.

She did point out I am using my friend as a safety net. She said when I am struggling I tend to seek my friend out. I agree with that. She did say she doesn't have a problem with it from a work point of view because I am still working when I am with my friend but she doesn't want me becoming reliant on that support when my friend isn't always around so she just thought she'd point it out to me. That's fine, I get where she is coming from and I had realised it myself yesterday.

Not much planned for the afternoon, dog walking and games I think. Then home for the weekend.

 

[Hope4Now]

At the moment I primarily use Pinkman (little pink toy my friend have me) and things I can see to keep myself here. Normally the first thing that goes is my sight so I find if I can keep that part of me busy normally coupled with touching the things I am looking at and naming that they hold it off. I am also trying not to let myself slip in to autopilot, I try to be aware of every task I am doing because going in to autopilot usually leads to me not noticing one coming. It is exhausting though, I ever realised how much of my day was spent on autopilot until I stopped allowing myself to do that.

This sounds good. I have the vision problem too...maybe why writing and drawing can help because they require me to stay focused. And I just dug out one of those squishy balls from my desk (I have tons of them from conferences I attend)...I find that digging my fingers into it helps (and prevents me from digging my fingers into my arms). The autopilot default is also one I struggle with...sometimes the worst flashbacks come when I've been in autopilot for too long without realizing it...sort of semi-dissociated. I'm finding that doing things very slowly and thoughtfully (mindfully one might say), keeps me much more stable.

The head of HR has asked for permission to contact my doctor about the PTSD diagnosis, there main question being 'how long might they have to make adjustments for me?'.

Ugh. This kind of stuff makes me so mad at the employment world.

I hope you have a good weekend.

I wanted to tell you that the song you posted in my thread (Choking on the Concrete) is so powerful. I purchased it on iTunes and have been listening to it regularly. Thank you for introducing me to it.