Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

@Hope4Now I find stress balls really good as well! We have a squishy sheep and cow at work and it really helps if I am struggling in the staff room to just dig my nails in. I don't tend to grip myself when I am struggling but I do cling on the my shirt sleeve so hard I get finger cramp.

Autopilot is definitely my main weakness when it comes to controlling my flashbacks. I have been doing my job for 5 years and there are aspects of it that really do not require much concentration and like you I find my worst ones come when I am in that zone.

I am hoping my doctor will just turn round and say that I am awaiting treatment, average waiting times are these, it is not possible at this time to ascertain how long adjustments will have to be made. What frustrates me is that they are not doing a huge amount of adjusting... My fit note allows me to go home as when I need to but I don't use that option much but for the most part I am doing my job.

I am glad you liked the song! :) I hope you have a good weekend to.


Am post -

I love my Dad. He is an amazingly selfless man who has helped his family through so much. He supported us all through my brothers death, even when he was struggling himself. He spent years helping my mum battle with depression and the highs and lows that go with it.

I remember seeing him heartbroken when my mum had her brain haemorrhage, he stood in the kitchen looking completely lost but still his first question was 'How are you?' Then I remember him standing in the same kitchen a few years later, no tears this time just defeat, a letter in his hand addressed to me. My mum had left, two affairs and she'd decided to disappear off with the second one.

Through all of this his main thought was keeping his family together or at least what remained of it. We grew closer after my mum left although we have always been close anyway. I remember him teaching me to cook when I was younger, standing in the kitchen singing along to the music with him. I used to come home from school and spend the first half an hour I was home telling him about my day and listening to him tell me his story. This continued right through in to work and even now we can easily while away an hour every other day just chatting.

He is happy at the moment. He has moved on from my mum walking out and rebuilt his life with his family around him. Today I decide whether or not to tell him that I am unwell, today I decide whether or not to tell him that I lied 6 years ago when I told him I was "just" assaulted, today I decide whether to give him one more challenge in his life.

I can't help but ask myself what benefit it would be to tell him? Yes, he could support me. Yes, he would be another person I can speak to. But what right have I to ask that? Those are selfish reasons, they benefit only me. For him it will be a new heartbreak and new worry and once I tell him he can never forget. People tell me he would want to know, he would want to be able to support me but at what cost to him? He is happy now, can't I leave him like that? Why should I ruin it for my own selfish gain? It is not his fault this is happening, it is my burden to carry. I feel bad enough for sharing it with others already, even though I know they would tell me they don't mind.

I love my Dad. If I have even the smallest part of his personality and heart I am a very fortunate person. Today I will make a decision, I just hope it is the right one.

 

[Wyakin]

I have told my Dad. He has taken it well. He is obviously concerned but seems to understand. We are continuing as normal becaue I have asked for normality. I love my Dad (not sure if I said that already!).

 

[Wyakin]

Totally wired, struggling to stay grounded. I have pulled out my rubiks cubes because my Dad is used to me doing these while talking to him. I'm hoping they hold me here. I cannot have a flashback in front of him.

 

[Wyakin]

I'm beginning to realise the cost of being honest about what happened. Every time I tell someone everything is so difficult for a few a days after.

I kept myself grounded while my Dad was here but he has left to go and take my Grandma to church and now I am alone in my head.

Every noise pushes my anxiety up, I am on edge, I know something bad is coming and I know I can't stop it. All consuming fear that I will end up back there for as long as I did on Wednesday. I am so desperate to stay here I am trying anything I can but nothing is working.

 

[Wyakin]

Not a very good morning. 2 hours lost to flashbacks. The only high point was seeing my friend, she brought me back for an hour or so. She also gave me a beanie rabbit. Towards the end of our conversation though I was really beginning to struggle, I could already feel the sensations, the pressure and pain. My eyesight was struggling to stay in focus and my wrist felt like it was being crushed.

She walked home with me, I made it in through the door and then everything was gone. I focused on my rabbit, throughout the flashback I could feel the rabbit. I have never retained any connection to the present before, I'm not sure if it helped me come out of it quicker but focusing hard on it made everything a little less scary.

I am still very wired but the thing that's bothering me most is my wrist. It is constant. I cannot remember the last time I didn't feel like someone had hold of it. Putting a hairband on it has helped for a little while to provide a different sensation but it is no longer making a difference even though it is so tight it bruises. I have tried putting another bracelet on but it hasn't helped. The only thing that is making a difference at the moment is a piece of twine tied in such a way that I can pull it tight, it doesn't leave a mark but I can pull it tight enough to provide pressure that takes my mind away from the feeling of a hand there. I cannot use the twine in every day life though. This is driving me to distraction.

I have been trying to work out why my wrist is such an issue for me. It was the first thing they grabbed and the last part of me they released. Most of the way through the attacks my wrists were restrained and I remember staring at my right wrist to try to take my mind away from what they were doing to me. It took weeks for the bruising on my wrists to subside. Out of all the other things I feel it is the hand on my wrist that makes me feel so trapped, if I could have broken their hold I could have stopped them but I failed to. That pressure marks the beginning and the end of what happened.

 

[Wyakin]

I went to bed early last night, turns out it was a good idea. I had a nightmare around 2am, when I woke up I could hear myself begging them to leave me alone even though I was no longer fighting. I wish the feelings of shame that go with that memory would go away, deep down I know they don't belong here, I just need to convince the rest of me of that.

I feel like I need a break. For the first time since all of this started I feel like I want to take a step back from work and people but not in a bad way. Just a few days off to rest and then do the things I need to do. It seems at the moment I spend my days off resting and catching up on sleep but just as I start to get on top of everything I am back at work which means everything else is falling behind and I am starting to feel like all I do is work, flashbacks, nightmares, sleep and work again.

I think part of it stems from having to wear a mask all the time. Even in front of those who know a part of me is still hiding, what I'd really like is to just be me for a few days, really I'd like to be the old me but I'll accept being the me I am right now if it just means I can act how I feel rather than trying to cover it up all the time and being afraid of the fall out when my mask slips.

This morning my wrist isn't bothering me too much, I am going to carry the hairband with me and another bracelet but I cannot resort to the slip twine in public. It worries me anyway that I feel the need to put so much pressure on it, it hurts. I do not want to fall back in to old habits of self harm so I will spend today trying to find a better way to cope. My friend suggested trying pressure elsewhere so I think I will give that a go. I don't think it is helping that I am obsessing over it but I cannot seem to stop.

It's bank holiday Monday today so there is only four of us in. I am working with someone who I will admit I find difficult. The really annoying thing is I have found myself trying to appease her at the moment, when previously I would have said what I needed to say and moved on. I am now constantly worried that things I say or do can easily be manipulated in to my PTSD being a problem and I cannot afford to have any more problems at work at the moment. I miss the old me that used to be confident and forceful, now I feel myself cringing inside and constantly over analysing.

Anyway enough of the misery. Today is a new day and I will try to be hopeful. At least I don't feel like there is a flashback waiting to be seen and my anxiety seems to be under control. The dogs have already made me laugh this morning with their antics and I have successfully had breakfast. I have Bunny and Pinkman and I am feeling in control.

Today's aim: Book some holiday.

 

[Wyakin]

I keep trying to write about something but stopping myself, even in private I am struggling to face it. I can think about it but even then I find myself avoiding it. It is linked in to the attack but it is also from before it. See I talk around it all the time even though it has been in my mind all morning.

I keep getting sensations and pain this morning but I am ignoring it. As long as it doesn't get worse I will be fine.

On a positive note I have booked holiday. Only 6 days in total over a month but still better than nothing.

 

[Wyakin]

I got triggered while cleaning the dog kennels today. I was squeegeeing the first kennel when one of the volunteers started tapping on the window trying to get the attention of the dog next door.

My stomach lurched, my muscles tensed, the pains I had been feeling all morning flared, my heart rate increased and my breathing went haywire. Almost instantly my vision clouded and panic set in.

I stopped, took a deep breath, stamped my feet and told myself it was the 26th May 2014 and I am safe. I had somehow already got bunny in my hand and I felt his fur, the tag on his bum, his nose and ears. All the while taking slow, calm breaths. My vision cleared and I felt my shoulders relax. My heart rate decreased and the panic started to reduce. I moved myself over to the corner of the kennel where it was harder to see me and continued managing my breathing, touching bunny and I started naming shapes and the colours they were.

Everything started to feel more normal again, the pain reduced and my breathing was coming more naturally. It probably took 10 seconds from the initial trigger to calming myself enough to move to the corner of the run. I remained there for a couple more minutes just making sure I was ok and calm enough to keep going.

My colleague saw me at this point and I saw her staring, she doesn't know how to handle me but by the time she came back out I was working normally so hopefully she will move on from it.

I carried on cleaning the yards and do not feel as though there is a flashback waiting for me to relax so it can take over. My anxiety is up and I do not think it would take much for me to get like that again but I did calm myself.

 

[kmatel710]

@Wyakin Hi again,
I haven't been on for a while. Business trip and then my neighbor sent her husband to feed my dogs and he fed my Max 24 doses of phenobarb. Thought was his dog food! 1,604 dollars later he is okay. I have been between high focus and really down mode. I function when I have to.

 

[Wyakin]

Hello @kmatel710 How in earth did your dog survive that dose?!? I had an epileptic Labrador that was on phenobarb. I am sorry you are struggling with down mode. Is there anything I can do to help?

 

[Wyakin]

The afternoon went well. I have had pressure in my wrist but I am still flying high from fending off that flashback this morning, a real moment of success for me. I put a lot of it down to my new friend Bunny. He has so many different touch sensations he is perfect to help me ground and because my friend gave him to me he makes me feel safe. Seems a bit sad a 24 year old woman playing with a beanie rabbit but to be honest if it stops me slipping back I don't care!


Here he is -

 

[kmatel710]

Hi wyakin. I don't know how he survived. If my friend Wanda had been 30-60 min later I think he would have died. I get in down mode coz I feel so alone, lonely. When those "parts" of me take over I struggle to manage very old and ingrained self-beliefs. I have some friends I can talk to but it doesn't seem to be enough.

It would help to have support from others who can relate to ptsd. It would be nice just to be held/hugged too. Thanks for asking if there is anything you can do to help. I don't know...it helps to talk like this. I'm not good at getting grounded. When I'm feeling really bad, usually in the evening and night I have to do something just to stop the desperate feelings. I usually take 3-4 advil pm and go to sleep. I don't know how to work through it.

I went thru one week of intensive trauma therapy in Morgantown WV. It was good and we got thru some early medical trauma but when it came to the abuse I shut down. Was able to work thru a little but it was Thursday and we stopped as it was to close to the end of the week. I need another week.

This is a process and it is so hard. I often feel that nothing will work and I'll never heal.

Well, time to get back to house chores. Hang in there. If there is anything I can do to help please let me know! Max below 2011.