I went AWOL last week. I'm sorry for letting people down.
The worst thing about PTSD and going AWOL is the guilt you then feel when you return. Feeling you have to explain, why you didn't turn up to your mates for dinner, why you haven't replied to any of the texts, answer-phone messages, why you missed your deadlines, why you couldn't support your friend when they moved house... Is it better to go AWOL and just not go back?
As some of you know I have been let down and betrayed by parents and more recently my sister. My best friend text me a few weeks ago and said "is there anything I can do?" I simply replied... "always be honest with me, promise me you will do this". She promised and I know because of the strength of our bond that this will be honoured.
Last week I had to make a tough decision. Possibly the toughest I have ever had to make. I had been desperately let down and betrayed by the person closest to me. I asked him to be honest and he still wasn't, but I knew this. I knew he wasn't being honest and so I encouraged him to tell me the truth. I was told the truth and then had to make a choice between a loving safe, supportive relationship with someone I truly admire and love, the possibility of continuing this and letting it grow as I recover, or instead dealing with the information given to me and being true to myself in the sense of sticking to my beliefs and values. I hope I never have to do this again. I know I made the right choice now. I know and believe this, and I hope that I can continue to love and be loved. It feels as if this might have given us the space to breathe and room to actually get on with what we want in our relationship. We were pushed to the edge and we've survived but i have many many cuts and some deep scratches that will take some time to heal. Nursing of truth and love are needed now. They won't heal without it.
I simply can not cope with this in any form. I ask for very little in my life - to be safe and for people to be honest with me are my top two. To be loved and for someone to let me love them would also be nice, but honesty and personal safety are paramount. I can not survive without these. They cut right into my heart and it hurts so much I can't actually breathe or see a way out.
Just to comment on my coping strategies- I pretty much went into meltdown- I didn't eat for 4 days. Had 2 hours sleep eventually increasing to 4, I cried constantly and couldn't be alone. I had to have someone with me constantly. I talked but also sat in silence. I paced up and down, had a number of panic attacks, shook and shivered, screamed and shouted quite a bit, swore appallingly even by my standards and actually lost the power of speech again. I did come on here for the first day or so but I was then too too tired and sad. I wonder how you have coped with your betrayals???
Thank you for being there though. It means so much to me.
Nicky:poke:
The worst thing about PTSD and going AWOL is the guilt you then feel when you return. Feeling you have to explain, why you didn't turn up to your mates for dinner, why you haven't replied to any of the texts, answer-phone messages, why you missed your deadlines, why you couldn't support your friend when they moved house... Is it better to go AWOL and just not go back?
As some of you know I have been let down and betrayed by parents and more recently my sister. My best friend text me a few weeks ago and said "is there anything I can do?" I simply replied... "always be honest with me, promise me you will do this". She promised and I know because of the strength of our bond that this will be honoured.
Last week I had to make a tough decision. Possibly the toughest I have ever had to make. I had been desperately let down and betrayed by the person closest to me. I asked him to be honest and he still wasn't, but I knew this. I knew he wasn't being honest and so I encouraged him to tell me the truth. I was told the truth and then had to make a choice between a loving safe, supportive relationship with someone I truly admire and love, the possibility of continuing this and letting it grow as I recover, or instead dealing with the information given to me and being true to myself in the sense of sticking to my beliefs and values. I hope I never have to do this again. I know I made the right choice now. I know and believe this, and I hope that I can continue to love and be loved. It feels as if this might have given us the space to breathe and room to actually get on with what we want in our relationship. We were pushed to the edge and we've survived but i have many many cuts and some deep scratches that will take some time to heal. Nursing of truth and love are needed now. They won't heal without it.
I simply can not cope with this in any form. I ask for very little in my life - to be safe and for people to be honest with me are my top two. To be loved and for someone to let me love them would also be nice, but honesty and personal safety are paramount. I can not survive without these. They cut right into my heart and it hurts so much I can't actually breathe or see a way out.
Just to comment on my coping strategies- I pretty much went into meltdown- I didn't eat for 4 days. Had 2 hours sleep eventually increasing to 4, I cried constantly and couldn't be alone. I had to have someone with me constantly. I talked but also sat in silence. I paced up and down, had a number of panic attacks, shook and shivered, screamed and shouted quite a bit, swore appallingly even by my standards and actually lost the power of speech again. I did come on here for the first day or so but I was then too too tired and sad. I wonder how you have coped with your betrayals???
Thank you for being there though. It means so much to me.
Nicky:poke:
