I cried for a long time last night. I've been fighting some depression anyhow, and this time of year is the worst time of year for me... I saw my doctor today, and he is starting me back on an antidepressant for the short term (2-3 months). It's a good thing. I think I need it. Everywhere I go all week, everyone keeps saying I look sad. I'm trying so hard to hide it!
Voc Rehab sent me another letter today. Via email. I told them that for all future contact, they needed to contact me at a separate email account, set up for just them, so that I could check my regular email account and not get triggered. I saw the email, I was slightly triggered... and then I opened the email. They are now BLOCKED from emailing me at all.
I went numb after getting the email. I was able to ground out of feeling numb. Then I felt like crap. (Oh the fun of the numb-flood cycle...) My mind was thinking about this stuff, but in my body, it was like I watched someone die and was feeling fear equal to a threat to end my own life. I was physically reliving what was happening 5 years ago today.
All of it was triggered by a stupid letter. My therapist says I was bound to be triggered by SOMETHING.
The rest of this post contains way too much technical sh*t about Voc Rehab, so please ignore it if that's annoying.
It's a federally required that for every Voc Rehab system there is a separate state funded legal advocacy office. I contacted them. I emailed them everything I was sent today. It was a good idea. The advocate is someone I have known professionally in another capacity, and when I initially applied for Voc Rehab services, he offered to keep an eye on my case. I signed the releases.... Today, I finally reached out and asked for his help. I don't have any alternatives.... And I needed his help.
Within an hour, he emailed Voc Rehab, citing various laws, almost point for point disputing every thing they said in the letter. He confronted Voc Rehab on handling the closing of a case in a manner that was illegal and in violation of state law. I knew I had rights, and that most of them were being run over, but it was helpful to see someone else stand up for me. I knew they had to at least provide advance notice before ending services. I knew that if I requested an appeal hearing they had to continue to provide some of the services until the appeal hearing. I emailed and faxed a letter asking for an appeal hearing 10 minutes after they notified me they closed the case.
It turns out they legally have to provide and continue fund ***everything*** they already had agreed to pay for, including the damn internship I was supposed to start. They only get to stop everything after "final agency decision" and that occurs AFTER an appeal hearing. The advocate asked they promptly re-open the case and resume services.
Voc Rehab also notified me in their letter today that they contacted all their vendors, told them to cease all contact, refuse all requests to bill my insurance instead of Voc rehab (which is an option for one of the services I was getting), to not respond to any of my requests for records from vendors (which is instructing vendors to violate HIPAA in some cases), to refuse to give recommendations of alternatives (which is instructing vendors to commit patient abandonment in some cases). Voc Rehab also indicated they were denying access to my case file.
Basically treated me like a freak and tried to shut everyone and everything down.
All of which is illegal. Not just a little bit illegal, but the advocate cited legal code after legal code in his letter to them. I swear, it seemed like he had the letter ready long before I even contacted him.
He told me his primary focus is to get my internship back. He said I have a right to have it back until the appeal hearing, which will be 30-90 days. He said that all I have to do well at the internship, "and I have no doubt you will do that (justmehere)."
I'm not as confident.
I have already done the exact same work for the exact same agency in the past which I had higher symptoms than even right now. It would be 10 hours a week for two months, or until the appeal hearing. The advocate thinks that by the time we get to the actual appeal hearing, the report from the internship be so strong it will be a very compelling to keep my case open. The whole reason they will fund internships like this is to prove if someone is able to be rehabilitated for employment or not. He was adamant I don't have to be symptom free. I just have to prove I can do anything of value to the agency for a few hours a week, and that any problems that come up have a treatable solution to them. "Even if the solution is another two years of therapy to learn more skills to manage symptoms in the workplace."
I like his approach. Frankly, if I can't hack the internship, then fine, clearly I am not ready, and I don't want to pursue this anyhow...
He also spoke to Voc Rehab. He doesn't think my DVR counselor closed my case, but that it appears the therapist/former employee of Voc Rehab got freaked out that I claimed my HIPAA rights to privacy with her, and she called her former bosses, and told them to shut down my file entirely and claimed I was unemployable to them. He said she sounds very nervous, and is acting in a manner that is unusual for her. He doesn't think the case closure decision comes from the DVR staff I had been working with. He could understand why I had been sent on an emotional tailspin, and having everything go from going along well, to abruptly closed, with no warning, would upset most people. He asked if I would want the same DVR counselor, I said yeah, I actually liked her and we got along well... Just not going to be willing to do trauma therapy with Voc Rehab, ever. No. He thought that was more than fine. He said this therapist really manipulated everyone.
Thanks Voc Rehab. LIKE I NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO DISTRUST THERAPISTS.
ugh. That news is hitting me hard. This was the last thing I needed. I was deemed unemployable because of one crooked therapist contacting my Voc Rehab's counselor's boss? What the what?!
I'm trying to believe what he said - they failed, not me.... But I have lost all confidence. I guess it wasn't that strong anyhow.
Many of you have been right, the case could apparently in theory be re-opened... If all of this is triggering me this badly, am I really employable? I don't know.
I do know that I need to not be defining my worth by my employability. I was just starting to have real hope that I could be, and then all of this.
Sorry to ramble on so long.
