Blindsided And Not Sure How To Help My Kids

[FauxLiz]

I received a call during my lunch hour today from my daughter that is away at college. Her father and I have been separated for 11 years and divorced for 8 (it took that long). She called me in absolute distress as she had reached out to her father this morning via text message as he had not responded to any of her other messages since August and had not in any way spoken to her since this summer. This morning while she was sitting in class he responded to her text with a text telling her that he no longer had access to the methods that she had been using to try and reach him (email and social media) as he couldn't remember the passwords. He then proceeded to inform her that he is adopting the daughter of his current wife and it will be final on Dec. 8th.

I personally do not have a stake in what he does, he was a controlling, abusive man that it took me 12 years to build up the courage to divorce and that was only after he had left us moving out of state without consulting or considering me or our children.

Unfortunately, my daughter is devastated. She feels as though he is replacing her as his daughter. That she can't understand why he never wanted to be in her life or do anything with her but is involved in his soon to be adopted daughters life. I don't know how to help her and on top of that I have to figure out if her younger brother knows about the impending adoption as he was with his father for Thanksgiving or if it falls on me to tell him as well. People suck sometimes.

 

[sun seeker]

:( It hurts when we can't fix our children's problems. No advice at the moment, but I hear you. It's so sad.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I wouldn't lie to her about her father, but I certainly would just make sure that what she feels is ok, and that no matter what, YOU love her and will always be there for her. You can't control how the jerk acts, or what he spews from his pie hole. But you can be there to pick up the pieces of the crap he leaves.

 

[Powder]

I think it makes sense to me that even if he wasn't there for her growing up like he should have been that it hurts to feel replaced on top of that.

It is hard to understand why people can be so uncaring to their own kids.

You can't be expected to undo all of his neglect, but your just listening and caring is going to go a long way to protecting them long-term so they will be okay.

 

[ladee]

First, I am hoping you have faith in your love for her. Apparently y'all are close because she called the one person always there for her. A wonderful solid foundation for what lies ahead.
You can't fix what someone else has damaged but you can continue to be the great mom you are. You will know what to say, when to be quite and listen. Provide a safe place for her broken heart. And be honest with her.
When our kids are hurt, so are we. No perfect way to handle this. Love her to the other side no matter how long it takes. Gentle hugs for your hurting heart for your daughter.

 

[Powder]

And keep telling your daughter that she's irreplaceable and that the whole idea is not possible. Nobody is replaceable, and everyone is unique.

Build her up, tell her what is strong and good about her.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you everyone. Her brother seems to be okay with this but his relationship with his dad is completely different. He was so young when we split up he has never had a concept of his father as anything other than someone he visits a few times a year. She was 12 almost 13 when we split up so she was much more aware that he did not attend her basketball or volleyball games nor did he attend her dance and cheerleading events.

I am trying to just do what I can for her, it is hard because we are separated by 800 miles, I am just thankful that I will be seeing her over the Christmas Holiday. I am doing my best to reassure her that she is one of a kind and nothing changes that. She is a beautiful, smart amazing young lady and I tell her that often. I suggested to her that if she wants I can make sure that besides me she has someone to speak to and I will do my best to assist if she decides to see a T. It is times like this that I wish I had never met my ex-husband but at the same time I am so thankful for my children that I know if I hadn't met him I wouldn't have them so a catch-22.

 

[GrayOwl]

Gentle honesty and compassion.
Your daughter sounds like a mature and smart young woman.
But knowledge and logic don't replace compassion and understanding.
The two of you are fortunate to have each other and a closeness and understanding.
You probably don't need to hide the fact from her that he is selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate.
But it is important to know he is "lacking" in humanity, and she is not.
It's so important that she understand how special she really is, especially when "father figure" is a lump.
Perhaps a little greeting card from you with a hand written note?
I know it takes a few days but it might shorten that span between now and the holidays.
I give you credit for doing what you needed to do and minimizing the damage done to the kids.
I see a lot of strength in you that will keep her spirits up and guide her safely.
Hugs and prayers for healing.

 

[Powder]

I agree with @GrayOwl that you are strong and compassionately so.

I also agree with his prayers and hugs for healing, for all of those involved. Even the father who clearly has something damaged and wrong with him to behave thus. As angry as I am with him for this damaging behavior of neglect, if he heals, he will do less damage.

I also wish for protection for your children on an emotional and family/spirit level so that this won't do any more damage than it has to and so that mitigation will come from you and other sources to ensure they are okay and move through this phase unharmed. May it be so. Angels are everywhere.

 

[Gs172003]

I Soooo understand. My oldest daughter was estranged from her dad. My other two weren't. He married a woman with two kids. Be slowly replaced mine with hers. They live with him, be barely sees his own and never sees or talks to the oldest. Now that she's grown she wants my now husband to adopt her.