Body memories.......unable to cope with them.....having s/i again

[recoveringfromptsd]

Some background,

Recently I had treatment with EMDR, after only 4 sessions I was so overwhelmed by body memories from one particular moment (the worse moment of my life) that I could not function, and was close to requiring hospitalization. So I halted the EMDR so I could stay sane. And the body memories eased off over time.

Then my DBT therapist gave me and another client an ad hoc homework assignment, where I had to list what was good in me and reasons to live, she also added for me why I can only do WILLFUL and why. The reasons to live was easy, I really did not have any good reasons for that. But it was the willful and why that threw me into crisis, the only way I could answer that was to detail how the situational hypervigilance that prevents me from doing WILLING came to be. And that brought back the body memories even more than before. Since then I have been thinking about suicide and self-harm a lot. I would be happy if a boulder just came out of the sky and squashed me like a bug, or some other demise out of my control (the hardest part about suicide is having to plan and then execute, the brain tries to protect us from ourselves).

The body memories have to do with a staff rape where I had no one I could turn to for help (I literally did not, I tried, my DSS social worker just to me to live with the abuse), I was subsequently discarded onto the street, where I had to engage in prostitution to survive (7 months, as many as 8 a day), where with each john it was like actually reliving the staff rape for each one that was inside me, with the only difference being I had some control in the activity. I was only able to cope with it with heavy drinking.

with the body memories it's like I am physically reliving the abuse in the present. It's like being raped over and over each time it happens, I just want it to go away, if it takes dying to do that I am desperate enough to accept that .

I have communicated with someone who works for mobile crisis , and committed to safety (I won't violate such a commitment as part of my relationship with my clinician's is I wanted to be trusted at times when I am unsafe so choices are not taken from me but instead given to me).
The way I have been feeling I suspect it's possible I will be in the hospital soon. I am in such much pain.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I rarely know the "right" words to say in the moment of another's despair, but want you to know you've been heard and I'm sending peaceful thoughts.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Tornadic Thoughts Thanks for the supporting words, it means a lot.
I have had a lot of thoughts of suicide. Been using DBT skills, and my supports to not let myself act on them. And I have made a safety commitment with mobile crisis.

 

[Joan]

So sorry that you are experiencing this. i too have horrible body memories at times...It sucks and is is hard. I am so glad to hear you are using your DBT skills, reaching out here and to crisis. I hope that you get relief soon. I hear you...you are not alone.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Joan Thanks for the support. It's kind of weird being suicidal at times because of it, but not acting on being that way due to DBT and supports. I guess that's a little person growth. (POB - Pat on Back).

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

My DBT therapist today also made me give a safety commitment.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I don't want to make it to my 60th birthday in december. My birthday is one of the anniversaries in my abuse. There is no accountability in the role DSS had in my abuse.

 

[joeylittle]

@recoveringfromptsd - your post above has been edited to remove specific detailing. I need to remind you that making suicidal posts on the forum isn't allowed. It is absolutely alright to share thoughts about suicide, fears, desires, etc. - just not literal plans.

But what I really want to say: You've been through strong suicidal ideation before. And you do know how to survive this wave.

Fantasizing about the DSS being held accountable by virtue of your suicide is only a fantasy. You've written about this before, at times when you are very low. It's normal to want to get some kind of revenge or awareness for one's suffering, by dying. The thought "and then they will know" is a strong one.

But that isn't how people respond. The DSS will not be changed by your taking your own life. The only thing that will happen is, you will be gone. You've been fighting hard for a very long time, and I truly know - I truly do - how much harder it gets, the more time goes by.

But you cannot know. You can't know that you are at the end. There is no way of knowing that. Always remember, there's a difference between wanting to die and choosing to die. Wanting to die means, wanting relief. Wanting relief is oh so understandable. But it will not come in the form of death. Death is a nothing.

You've identified your birthday in December as a triggering date. I would strongly encourage you to turn your mind away from that date, whenever your mind wants to wander over to it. Ruminating will not actually bring any comfort, and it will increase your suffering.

How is your contact with your mental health team?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: ((( @recoveringfromptsd ))) :hug:
I know that you are really suffering right now, and it feels fresh and new with each pounding "wave" of the emotional tsunamis that you have survived. EMDR has heightened your responses and hyper body memories, so this "round" of suicidal ideation feels worse than ever. I suspect that your upcoming birthday, the holidays, (which trigger LOTS of us) and soon, dealing with the one year anniversary of your sister's death. She was your "human" close connection that I am sure grounded you in a way like no other connection had, or will have. All of your grief and PTSD symptoms have been running amuck since that happened.

I have been blessed to have "walked" some of these rough times with you, and I have seen how very courageous you really are! I truly wish that we could have the ability to see ourselves through the eyes of the people who care for us the most. I wish this for myself as well. You have an awesome team of therapists and crisis workers that you trust, as well as them trusting you. I am REALLY glad that you have them.

Our inner self beliefs are very, VERY harshly judgmental, and we judge ourselves VICIOUSLY harder than we judge others. If we only knew how to give ourselves grace (unmerited favor) and mercy, (compassion and forgiveness) what a different it would make. (I am working on those things for myself)

Our traumas are "engraved" on our amygdalae (the brain calendar, as you know) and memories bubble to the surface whether we want them to or not. The best we can do, is what you are doing. Using you DBT skills, getting yourself distracted, and reaching out for support. With everything feeling like it's a volcano spilling out lava, it's completely understandable why you are feeling the way you do. No one can tell you NOT to feel a certain way...not even yourself right now.

It is SO hard to take one day at a time, and even a moment at a time when your insides feel like exploding, and you just want the pain and noise to stop! You have promised others, and yourself that you won't take action, and you have ALWAYS kept that promise. I respect you for having the courage and trust to reach out and be honest with your team members when you realize you are in danger.

I know that your life experiences have kept you from being able to realize that NONE of what has happened to you has been YOUR fault! I think that you know that LOGICALLY, but that doesn't help how you FEEL...Of course, guilt rises up to strangle us, no matter who should really "own" what was done to us. We (speaking for myself anyway) think that we should have been able to stop what was done to us, or that we should have been able to get justice against the ones who ARE responsible, or least we should have gotten AWAY from our abusers.

I believe that YOU ARE VALUABLE, and that YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED! (I have a hard time believing that about myself) I think that is one thing that PTSD leaves us with. That deep sense that we have no value, nor do we deserve love. It is SO WRONG!

Hopefully, my words don't sound like I am preaching "at" you. I personally dislike that myself. I am just trying to convey to you that I see goodness, high intelligence, compassion, and integrity in you!

Blessings and Hugs to you!!! :hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

How is your contact with your mental health team?

Great disconnect with therapist, she ignored how I felt, and instead talked down to me. All the others I have been made to give a safety commitment. Which I won't break easily because being trusted gives me choices instead of them being taken away.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I want to apologize to everyone for my moment of loss of control over my thoughts, I am past the breaking point with the body memories and what comes with it. I am being crushed by it, it's like physically reliving over and over the worst moment in my life which was the rape by a staff member, and the life I had to live the following year doing prostitution to survive where each customer was a re-enactment of what that staff member did to me with the only difference being I was in control and as safe from abuse. Those two years it was like being raped a 1000 times.

The body memories and the images/thought that come with them are always the moment he was inside and similar moments the following year when I had to work the street just to eat.

I cannot handle this. I know I need to be in the hospital again, but it needs to be the right hospital. It seems everyone is so stuck on how well I have done with DBT and such they are missing how much I am hurting and how unsafe I am.

If by chance you stop hearing from me assume I am in the hospital where I probably should be now.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @recoveringfromptsd ))) :hug: I hope that you can get admitted to the right place, where you can regain stability. :hug: