Body Memory

[Jnean]

Last two weeks I've been going to neuro feedback therapy along with my other therapy. I'm also in recovery coming back from a drug relapse a week ago. I had two nightmares last two nights. I don't know where to post this so I'm posting under discussion.

I am not sure what I'm even looking for by posting this, I guess I just need to get it out there and don't know who to talk to about other than my therapist. It's good I can talk to my therapist but I still have stuff that causes me distress, it doesn't go away after I meet with my therapist. But neuro feedback has helped already with my PTSD.

Thing is I've been having reoccurring same body sensation that I'm an infant, between 0-3age being assaulted, all I can see is a big hand, and I feel pain where I can not move but I am trying. I don't know my triggers. Or when or how often it comes up but it won't just go away.

And in neuro feedback they can confirm from my brain activity that I experienced trauma during those years as well as later in my childhood etc. Not 100% but just to know that this body memory almost flashback is real kinda causes me more distress but now I know I have to work through it, still hard to talk about, admit, or think for any reason that I could actually get somewhere with it in therapy since that is all that I know about my trauma between ages 0-3.

What's the point you know, am I ever going to feel no distress anyway. Won't it just cause more grief for me. I'm safe, will it make me feel unsafe, put me more into a survival mode, was it my mom since it was so easy for her to beat me growing up, was it my brother since it wasn't hard for him to be abusive to me either, or my dad who sexually abused me later on. I don't know and do I really care or care to know.

I know I'm missing something, some peices of a puzzle, but I'm comfortable kinda in that uncomfortableness. this has been building up inside me and haven't really been able to talk about. Anyway I can't say anything more right now. Who ever reads this thanks for listening.

 

[shimmerz]

One thing I have learned about the brain is that it is really stupid. Like a computer stupid. It gets caught in a loop and there is no logic as to how to retrieve itself from that loop. I am really sorry you are in the midst of this body memory stuff. It can be really unnerving. I am going to make a suggestion that worked for me, but wouldn't necessarily be for everyone but perhaps you can retrofit it to suit your purposes. That is, if I get it across to you clearly enough.

Norman Doidge, in his book on the brain, speaks about the mirror box. It has been used to get amputees out of phantom limb syndrome. How? By using a mirror box to trick the brain into believing that the last traumatic event that occurred, and was most likely very painful, no longer applies. So the person puts his good (arm, lets say), into a mirror box and it does tasks. And the brain is tricked into believing (after practice) that the arm that was lost is still there. Works wonders apparently.

I don't have a limb missing, but recognized through this that my brain can be taught something if I am able to visualize vividly enough. As a result, my shaman taught me how to carry a spirit animal with me. It is a large panther that morphs and 'changes the story' for me. So in my head, when I am having issues with a story that has a less than happy ending, I use the wild cat to change the outcome for me. The cat fights my battle for me (as if he was there when it happened). He scares, rips apart, chases, whatever he needs to do .... to protect me. Because I didn't know how to protect myself.

The imagery becomes part of my internal landscape for that issue that I am working on. And my brain starts to believe it (not in a psychotic way, I know what I am doing).

So with that in mind, can you have a spirit animal, a larger protective person, an angel, a chainsaw, whatever pops into your head to overpower the hand? Sounds silly, I know, but this strategy worked miracles for me. It allowed me to figure out just about any memory that overwhelmed me.... and I didn't need to keep looking for 'answers' as to what happened, which were many times further traumatizing.

Just a suggestion. I hope you can find peace with this sometime in the near future @Jnean.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi - I moved your thread to Other Symptoms and Disorders.

I know the best advice about hazy memories is usually that things will become clearer when your mind is ready for it, and not to worry too hard about pushing yourself to remember.

I'm a little concerned that you are getting slightly false information from the neurofeedback folks, though. Do they say that they can confirm you experienced trauma, even though you can't fully remember it? Can you explain more about how that works?

 

[ladee]

This is so awesome that you are going to do this healing work anyway ! I wanted to put the last word in caps, because the courage it takes to do this work is there, and you are committed.
And no, the feeling better part, comes after the work. But it will happen.
Thinking of you on your healing journey, picturing you to be the warring you are... and knowing the healing is possible. Letting your courage be your guide. sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Jnean]

great advice everyone! Wow thank you so much. I am feeling better about this. I should ask about that statement that was made about confirming any abuse with out me remembering it for sure, appreciate all the advice. I keep forgetting that this is work too, just like my full time job, just like my full time work in recovery