Building Resilience To Saying No

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom, at the moment they are wasted on me. My dad phoned and told me where I could park my car and that I was going to be there around 10:30, right? And I went, yeah ok... that's fine :banghead:

I know I can't expect to change things around in a day, and I hope people who have offered help won't give up on me next time I ask. I will read and re-read whats here and hopefully do better next time. It's like a small consolation, but I have booked a train rather than drive (one of my biggest problems with going at the moment), and it arrives 10 minutes after the time he's expecting me, sad, but that's a small achievement.

 

[Changing4Best]

I had the word NO! beaten out of me when I was a small child. I went through some 40 years of my life before I discovered this in therapy. Needless to say, I got myself into a lot of trouble in life because I either found it very difficult to say NO! or I actually didn't say it, when I knew I should have. I suffer the repercussions of this even now when I am in my 60s, though I find it a bit easier to say NO! than I used to. Possibly your father beat the word NO! out of you when you were young?

 

[Meadowsweet]

@SheilaKathy , no, my father didn't beat me.

 

[ihateusernames]

I know I can't expect to change things around in a day, and I hope people who have offered help won't give up on me next time I ask.

There's always tomorrow. Don't worry. I can't speak for the others, but there is no judgment whatsoever coming from me. I understand the struggle. Considering how much passive aggressiveness I encounter on a daily basis, I don't think it's even all that uncommon.

 

[DogwoodTree]

A baby step towards "no" for me was simply saying "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you." Then I took the time I needed to panic and worry about how to say no, and when I found a moment of strength when I felt that I could handle the conversation well, I shot out an email that simply said I wouldn't be available or had other plans (even if those plans were to sit and do nothing...that's legitimate!).

People got used to the fact that I wouldn't make a decision on the spot, and even started expecting "no" more often. Then I was able to choose which relationships and which situations deserved more of an explanation.

It's not been easy at all because my mom started accusing me of wanting to cut off all contact from her just because I didn't want to spend as much time with her as she wanted to spend with me. Now she guilt-trips my husband and me any time she sees either one of us, especially if we're alone. It's tough because we know it doesn't have to be this difficult--she sees in black and white, that we either want the same thing as she does or we don't want anything to do with her. But being able to say no to her has given me more freedom in other relationships.