Came Out A Bit In Therapy Yesterday

[reallynow]

I ended up telling the therapist that I wanted to try talking about it now because I was afraid of doing it when school started. Wow was I ever right. I couldn't deal with this if school started up again with finals and everything else.

I'm really working on being positive exremely hard, I'm putting all my effort into it. Still I'm trying not to fall behind on days I feel worse, and at the very least I still do what I need even if I feel like a robot. The session was tough but I felt better when she said that today we weren't going to get deeply into that. I hate it now when I look back and I was saying things that made no sense, and again I'm so confused.

I had to write down words that seemed hard for me to say today. It was a disaster but I wrote at least a couple strong words. I hate this feeling and I hate that I can't describe it. I feel sorry for my therapist because I know I make no sense at all 85% of the time. I contradict myself and everything.

What I wanted to say in therapy but didnt was that I can't stand to look at who I am today, my life has gone so off the wrong path and I've destroyed so many things that were going well for me in the last couple years, I need this to stop. I didn't though because I already planned to say some stuff about the trauma and I needed to put all my attention and focus on that, but also because I am trying so hard to stay positive. ARGH can you see how I make no sense?

I act or try to act like I'm doing great and on the right path... but my real life says otherwise. I can't wait to not let the trauma dictate my life anymore. If you read this and it makes no sense, I'm sorry... can you imagine what my therapist must think?

 

[kers]

I bet your therapist thinks that you are suffering tremendously and bravely trying to change that. It's what I think, too.

Writing down the words was huge. What I remember from my exposure work was that the beginning was just horrific. Everything I did felt retraumatizing, and I had so few resources to cope then that I felt, constantly, like I would never survive it. It's so hard. And your mind may be going round and round because that's what happens when we get scared, it gets hard to pin things down. After I did something tough in therapy I would be a mess for several days afterward, which is actually the intended effect. Therapy stirs things up and as it settles, we learn to integrate it better.

You are doing great. Keep at it, and take it easy on yourself.

 

[reallynow]

Hi Kers, Thanks so much for your reply,

Yes writing it down was hard and it surprised me. I felt like writing the words was the same as telling the whole story except that it didn't have a clear picture. I get it when you say that my mind goes round and round that sounds just like me. As little sense as I make on here, I make less sense when talking out loud, its something to do with being able to slow things down as I write it. I can see what you mean by the intended effect being to stir things up and then let it settle. That way you naturally integrate it. It makes sense and I never thought about that.

I am going to tell her next time about how I find it hard to put things into words and make sense, and try to bring this up just so she knows I'm not actually trying to make things more difficult. I guess I need to be more patient with myself.