Can’t live like this anymore.

[Mish]

I’ve registered on here because I’m driving myself absolutely crazy with obsessive intrusive thoughts that are taking away all of my happiness.

I was ambitious, intelligent, successful. Then I got into a relationship which lasted for 8 years. My partner belittled me, ignored me, gaslighted me, completely isolated me from the rest of the world. I’ve always been a very gifted painter - since very young. It was my pride and joy in life - my everything. About halfway through that relationship, I painted something amazing - and then had a terrifying thought afterwards (which changed everything forever). The thought was: did I definitely just paint that? The painting felt too good to be something that I could ever create. Even though I knew I’d painted the picture - the thought didn’t stop. I wasn’t proud of my painting, I couldn’t even look at it, because of this doubt that took over my brain. After that, I’d continue to paint and then pretty much destroy my work afterwards - because I’d have the same thought each time (maybe I didn’t paint it. Maybe my crazy partner painted over it in some places to spite me - etc).

The relationship finally came to an end - and I escalated isolation. The doctor diagnosed me with PTSD - with disassociative disorder, caused by the trauma. I’m currently waiting for treatment.

I thought I was finally getting better this year, I was painting again and putting any irrational doubts to the back of my head. I thought I was out of the woods.

Then last week happened. I met my absolute celebrity idol by chance in a restaurant, it was brilliant - and I asked somebody to take a photo of us. (A stranger, who took it on my phone). When I saw the photo - I nearly died. Please bear with me on this part (it isn’t in a big-headed way whatsoever - I’m very distressed by what my brain is doing). Basically, I looked very very good in the photo. And out of nowhere, that awful life-sucking thought has returned. ‘Maybe that’s not me in the picture - it looks too nice to be me’. My jewellery and clothes and pose etc - I recognize it all. My family and friends have all said it’s definitely me. This photo is supposed to be something I can feel proud of and treasure for the rest of my life - my all time hero is it in afterall, once in a lifetime moment. But I’m
finding myself unable to look at it because of the doubts that it’s me in th my picture.

This is not a life and I CANNOT go on like this! I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday. I’m in a bad way - I’m so disconnected from myself that I don’t even recognize my artwork or my own photograph. It’s awful. I don’t see the point of living if I can’t accept the good things that happen in life. This feels like such an evil form of mental illness. It feels stronger than anything. Please help me.

 

[Ronin]

Well, if you are having such difficulty with you in those things...

Would it be better for you if you focused on a beautiful painting and a pic of your idol *existing*, and having it on reach?
If people (or more like, you) are too difficult, just the available things and moments, as if without people?

 

[ladee]

It is a very hard place and very crazy making place you are in right now. Just hang on and be a tiny bit patient with your self until you get to meet your Dr. You won't always feel this way, or see yourself this way... there is light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately for us, this is normal sometimes. to be so disconnected from our self it just doesn't seem real...Even tho you dont feel ok, you are... PTSDbrain likes to keep us in turmoil and doubt. And no, you don't want to live like this, that is why you are seeking help. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Give yourself a chance. Give your new Dr a chance. We do understand, and you are not crazy. Just part of the nasty PTSD package.

Welcome !!! Hope you read around the forum and the different threads that resonate with you... it will help you to feel more like you belong here. We do understand, and you are not alone...

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Do you have a therapist?

 

[Mish]

Thank you for your replies.

I saw the doctor - she gave me beta blockers. (I’m on fluoxetine and hydroxyzine). She has also written a letter to the mental health team I’m under - to try and speed up the help.

Yesterday was a bad day, I stared at the photograph for hours on end, compared it to how I look in the mirror, counted freckles that were in the photo to ensure they added up to mine. Put the photo on a computer and zoomed in to check it was my earrings (of course it all matched because as I know myself deep down - it’s my picture!). It’s these thoughts. They just circle. I woke up today feeling way more confident and I recognized myself in the photo.

I feel like I need stronger medication and I’m thinking about calling the mental health team to see if they can prescribe me something strong like lithium perhaps. I just want my life back. Yesterday I was feeling at rock bottom but funnily enough - today I feel a bit better.

The doctors have all said that this won’t last forever - that these issues can be fixed and that I’ll be better than ever when I’ve defeated this. Let’s hope they’re right :( because it’s constant struggling that I’m not strong enough for. I’m getting snappy and irritable - and then going to feeling completely dazed, spaced out - to then feeling crazy exhaustion - like, making a cup of tea takes a lot of effort and energy.

 

[EveHarrington]

This disorder is quite the roller coaster! You’ll have good days and bad days....but don’t lose hope! Things can get better with therapy and hard work! :hug: