Childhood Can being spanked or beaten with a belt as a child cause problems in adulthood

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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
“Based on your behaviour, you deserve less than a violent criminal being held in solitary confinement in prison...”.

That is NOT the message he got. You do not know the circumstances and I did not want to list everything left in his room and everything taken out of his room. You guys are filling in the blanks with your own thoughts of the situation (which are wrong) and then running with it. No, thanking me later does not show mental illness. It shows a teenager that was doing criminal behavior understanding that behavior was wrong and thanking me for still showing him love amoungst all of that which is something no one else did. It shows a kid that actually understood my reasoning for taking away his priced pocessions and while earning them back he got the entire reasoning for it and the gravity of his behavior. It did not give him any message except "when you do this bad thing you don't get to have your wants". He did not equate it as being in a prison and his mother actually sent him to jail. HE told me he would have rather had me take away his things then to be in jail, with other kids doing way more criminal things and where he could get hurt. HE told me that. HE also knew he was still very loved. Something he didn't get from his mother or from being in JuV (teenager jail). And he knows that today. He was abused by his parents and did not equate my actions as abusive in anyway. HE doesn't see it as abusive.

I am advised all the time on here that it is better to ask for clafication. Was there more in his room then a bed, blanket, and pillow? YES! But I saw no need to sit here and list it all. Everything he wanted was taken out. Everything he needed was there. And that INCLUDES physical, emotional, and mental needs.

ETA: Though, I will add that when a kid is behaving like a criminal (doing criminal things - which is what was happening) then there is nothing wrong with making them feel like they're in jail as one day, if they do not stop their behavior, they could be in one. A real one. And that is way worse then the saftey of a home without the possibility of a trauma happening in said jail.

Now, can we please get back on the topic of spanking leading to issues in adulthood?
 
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Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
You see, you're going with this 'a kid criminal'. Or whatever is you have there.

What I see is an abused kid, further punished.
Still a kid.

This would be a whole different discussion with saying 'I've abused someone for X reasons, because I was trying to keep them alive and out of worse harm'. It's different defending it.

Some situations are f*cked sideways, I think we all get that. But they don't need further defense, or being claimed they're good, or that course of action was good.
Effective, necessary, good, they're not the same thing. One is not the other.

And that divide there, wants x needs? I don't think is a healthy logic. You don't know what a want of something means to a person. You don't know it doesn't serve a need. You don't know the harm it could have done.

(Says someone who want-needs stupid shit like hoodies & lighters to keep monsters at bay and survive. While an adult, living in abuse but an adult, still. Someone else making that line for me? Used to break me. My stones were mine. My sticks were mine. My scarves were mine. My seashells were mine. My whatever shiny it was was my piece of myself. Huge piece of myself, as having had nothing else. You don't -get to- mess up with attachment and make excuses for that. Because it's not as fuking simple. Because trained psych professionals with decades in education and developmental psychology and research and work in closed facilities etc etc... wouldn't know what to do 'right' with a particular child to not harm them, and you suddenly do? With what credentials, survival? That isn't enough.)

Don't even get me started on that 'feeling in jail' bit.
You know, it's as likely a person who was captive - wouldn't tell their captor how they feel. Would work damnedest at pleasing them. Would go for 'it could be worse'. That doesn't make it better. But a too tangled piece I'm not able to phrase coherently without being furious on that kid's behalf. So I'll keep this short.

Jail can be a lot of things. As much, or more, maddening, than the actual correctional facilities.
 
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lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
What do you want me to tell you? I am advising you of how he feels about it now as an adult years later. Do you want me to agree that I am an abuser and he was abused by me? Sorry, I do not agree. HE DOESN'T SEE IT AS ABUSE. So I have no idea what all of you are after but this is not even what the thread is about.
 

Sideways

Moderator
When a teenager is in their room with just a mattress on the floor, one pillow and one blanket, they tend to realize quickly what good behavior is and egarly earn back the stuff they cherish.
This is what you described, and what (you knew) people were responding to.

You had time to get on your soapbox about how right you are, but it took how many posts before you thought to mention that you’d been misleading?

Candour? Helps a lot online. Very hard to take someone at their word once they’ve misled everyone, and knowingly let that continue, taking time out to disagree (vehemently) with members, but not taken time to correct your (very misleading) post.
 

Rain

Policy Enforcement
I know what you are talking about.

@lostforgottensoul I do too. I was silent and need to share one of my experiences with my daughter as a an acting out teenager in rebellion against needing to sign a contract with us to hold her accountable with us...even the policeman asked us where we got our contract and we told him that it came from me and he said it was very good.

I went through a time when my daughter really began to act out in ways that were really not appropriate and it was a very trying time for us as parents. I then went out of desperation to the sheriffs office to find out what my rights were as a parent legally and how to best use consequences with her to help her to realize that she needed to comply with some of our rules and I was a back then very permissive parent so this shows you just how desperate I was.

He told me that I could legally remove from her bedroom everything but a dresser her clothes and and a bed with coverings. Although I did not do this the sheriff was in California where I am.

So I do understand what lostforgottensoul is talking about.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
But you were her parent in all respects, @Rain.

You were her legal guardian. It makes a lot of difference / different situation.
You didn't -just- assume an authority over someone else's life and free will. You were in the position of that authority, and then when lost, consulted the appropriate -other- authorities.

Kosher in my book.

ETA: I have a lot of understanding for good intention, but still, in a place with functioning legal system / govt that somehow works / that is not a conflict zone, I think it's super shady - at best - to just control others that way Lost is describing. In other places it's shady for other reasons but -may- be necessary, in the actual sense of that word, to save lives.
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
And? Doesn't retract from the points made IMHO.

Or make them somehow less valid from the concern for well...
But it does in my opinion change the dynamic.
There is a big difference in using something as a temporary teaching tool and a way to harm. It is not harmful to MOST teenagers ( this tactic isn't appropriate for young kids) to take unnecessary stuff. It just isn't. But like most things you can't do the same thing with everybody. Know your kid.
 
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