Bpd is borderline. Is it very possible that you could have it, it is closely linked to childhood trauma and it would explain your anger. I would bring it up to your therapist. Being diagnosed was a relief to me, I finally had an explanation for the crazy shit I did.When you say bpd do you mean borderline or bipolar?
I feel this. Sometimes my grandma used to tell me about some of the beatings I got when I was 2/3. She said I was a huge brat and that it's a good thing my mom and dad beat it out of me. I really hated when she did that, it was like she was trying to make me feel guilty for stuff I did as a toddler. On the other hand I hate when I tell people about my childhood and they react with pity. I don't want to be pitied I just want to be understood.I don't want to hear that I deserved it even though I feel that way and I don't want people to feel sorry for me either.
Memory loss is very common abuse victims. Our brains try to protect us by repressing traumatic memories. These memories get stored in our subconscious mind so you can still get triggered by things even if you don't remember. The body remembers everything. There are huge chunks of my childhood that I have no memory of. It's extremely frustrating because I get flashbacks of like pieces of memories and I have no context of where these memories came from. My mom never stripped me naked but Jon did. It was horrible and violating. I felt like he made me strip on purpose to humiliate me. Personally I think the stripping part is extra cruel. It makes you feel way more vulnerable. It may be common but its f*cked up. I have always been nervous about showing skin. During puberty I stared dressing like a boy and wearing super baggy clothes to hide my figure. The thought of people staring at me made me so nervous. I have gotten better but I still don't like to show skin unless im around my partner.Also on top of that I don't remember much of my childhood at all, but I'm really confused on how I began to sexualize spanking at such an early age and blame it on my parents making me strip naked waist down and my temperament maybe? I know it's a common way people do it but it left me humiliated and highly self conscious. I now switch from feeling like I need to cover up, even with clothes on I feel like everyone's starting at me and my bum, etc. And then go into a mode where I don't care and show everything.
Someone taking off their belt is a huge trigger for me. I freeze and heart rate goes up. Logically I know they're not going to hit me but my body reacts anyway. People talking back to their mom gives me real bad anxiety because If I talked to my mom I would most definitely get beat. I'm a very jumpy person as well, loud noises and sudden movements will send me into fight or flight made. Yelling is another trigger, I could never win an argument because I just breakdown crying. It's frustrating,I'll hear someone clap, my mate takes his belt off at the end of the day, if I'm watching the TV and a parent gets angry at a kid in a closed room, etc. They all make me fight, flight, or freeze.
I used to play spanking games with my sister as well, I often look at videos/pictures of people getting spanked. it was the only porn that got me off.I reenacted it alot as a kid and not just on myself but on my siblings as well (we'd play spanking "games" all the time haha) also I drew pictures of people getting spanked too,
Cp may be banned sometime in the future. There has been multiple studies done on it and they all state that spanking is not helpful. It causes anxiety, depression, aggression and drug use. But just because it's banned doesn't mean people will stop. It does piss me off that it's still socially acceptable to beat small defenseless children.