Relationship Can the emotional abuse stop without my leaving?

[ruby2006]

I'm new here, and could really use advice and support, especially from any of you who have been in a similar situation.

My husband has a formal (C?)PTSD diagnosis resulting from extreme physical and sexual childhood abuse. He also has been informally diagnosed with DID. He's been in therapy for a long time. I've realized somewhat recently that what I've been experiencing from him for the last decade is emotional and verbal abuse. He doesn't acknowledge the severity of what he has (and continues to) put me through, and refuses to discuss his diagnoses, but when he's calm he explains his difficulty recognizing and managing his emotions and behavior as being because of his trauma.

I've held out through cycle after cycle of his extreme irritability, menacing looks, withdrawal, lying, pornography addiction, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.—followed by explosive, uncontrollable anger and insults--followed by reassurance, apologies (of varying sincerity), and loving treatment--then back again, over and over.

He’s never physically hurt me on purpose, but he’s hurt himself (once) and kicked our cat (once). Last year he exploded worse than he ever has and for the first time I felt seriously afraid of him.

For years I’ve wanted desperately to leave but we have a young daughter and I’m terrified of what divorce proceedings would be like with him, and I'm financially dependent on him. I keep staying because even though I know it’s been a cycle, and I know the statistics are not good, I still sometimes have hope that we can find a way to have a fulfilling, healthy relationship.

Have any of you stayed with someone like this who really did stop the emotional abuse? What had to happen for the shift to occur? How did you protect and heal yourself while that change was occurring? Or am I deluding myself that this could ever happen?

 

[Friday]

For years I’ve wanted desperately to leave but we have a young daughter and I’m terrified of what divorce proceedings would be like with him,

That’s why I stayed. 11 years in total, 6 knowing I was living in abuse, but I couldn’t think of another way to protect my son. I was afraid that if I divorced my now ex that they’d give him half custody. So I stayed until it got so violent that the abuse would be easy to prove in court and maaaaaybe they wouldn’t give my kid to a psychopath. My fears about divorce came true, completely / worse than I could have imagined. Went into massive debt proving the abuse, and they gave him half custody anyway. My son has paid dearly for my mistake.

In retrospect I should have stayed married & taken my son out of country and never come back.

 

[littleoc]

and kicked our cat (once)

Hm. That made me pretty sad.

Red flags I saw:

• He doesn't acknowledge the severity of what he has (and continues to) put me through

• held out through cycle after cycle of his extreme irritability, menacing looks, withdrawal, lying, [....] manipulation, gaslighting,

• followed by explosive, uncontrollable anger and insults

• followed by reassurance, apologies (of varying sincerity), and loving treatment

• then back again, over and over

• He’s never physically hurt me on purpose,

• but he’s hurt himself (once)

• and kicked our cat (once)

• Last year he exploded worse than he ever has and for the first time I felt seriously afraid of him.

• I’ve wanted desperately to leave

• I’m terrified of what divorce proceedings would be like with him

• I'm financially dependent on him

• I know it’s been a cycle

• I know the statistics are not good

• I still sometimes have hope that we can find a way to have a fulfilling, healthy relationship

If he were truly sorry, he would stop, or try to. PTSD is not an excuse for abuse and mistreatment of you, nor is DID. You deserve better.

I promise I'm not trying to insult you. I'm trying to show you that you already know that this will never work, no matter how much help he gets. You are searching for hope here, with people who have never even met him, because he has shown you no indication of wanting to change.

These red flags are serious, and they are serious for your daughter as well. Take it from a child who grew up with a mentally ill father who didn't want to get better.

If he has been in therapy this long and not been willing to change so far? Then he may just be dangerous for you. You sound torn, and fearful, and it makes me so sad for you. Because you've already said you don't want to stay. What a horrible environment for you, your daughter, and even your cat.

Honeymoon phases in abusive relationships do not mean that he loves you, and do not mean you should feel bad for being upset at his previous behavior.

Have any of you stayed with someone like this who really did stop the emotional abuse? What had to happen for the shift to occur?

It is possible for him to get better, yes, but you can't do it for him. He needs to realize, understand, and then put serious work and effort into changing his behavior. Maybe he will do this with someone one day, but at this point, it doesn't sound like it's going to be with you.

I have stayed with an abusive person before, realizing she needed help and time to heal. After nearly ten years, I was more than just sucked in. I really lost myself. It nearly destroyed me, and I'm still recovering my own identity. It is not a good idea to try to force it to work, when it just won't. We can hope for the best for those we love, but it doesn't mean they will get better. It really sounds like he's got a lot of control over you.

It is possible, like I said, for him to get better, but it won't be by your actions. Although, you could build stronger boundaries, and build your self esteem -- activities which require a safe, non-abusive environment to foster. In his presence, this would be so, so much harder. And it's not guaranteed to "fix" anything. Take it from someone who tried this while in an emotionally abusive relationship. And no, she didn't get better enough. Her outbursts at me becoming more independent, more confident, getting new friends, and being able to defend myself were downright dangerous. That one year will take me many years to heal from. I would save yourself the energy, especially because you're afraid and don't even want to stay.

And your daughter and cat deserve a less unstable, dysfunctional environment. And so do you.

How did you protect and heal yourself while that change was occurring?

By learning to be independent. My significant other began cheating on me, insisting on open relationships, and fighting for more control over me in other ways. Fighting through that made me such stronger -- strong enough to realize it was best to just give it up. Because she was putting no effort into getting better, and frankly it was harder and harder to talk to her every day.

Or am I deluding myself that this could ever happen?

I think you're being a survivor. I think you're trying to find a way out, while keeping everything peaceful and feeling safe. He's taken so much from you. But you really deserve better.

 

[shimmerz]

Or am I deluding myself that this could ever happen?

Yes, I think you are. And I get it. This link may help you put things into perspective. I know when I was in this situation, I was so busy trying to figure out how to fix it - thinking I was misreading what was happening - that things were happening because of his stress. No. That was my way of coping and trying to control what was happening by putting the blame on myself.

I, similar to what Friday is expressing, had a very difficult time trying to figure out if it was best to leave (thereby giving him custody without my being present every other weekend) which felt like hanging my kids out to dry, or to stay and have them exposed to the violence 24/7. Neither was a good option but I thought it best to leave him. Wouldn't have worked out either way I think. Abusive is abusive. For me, denial was the only way I could keep my head on straight while I figured out a plan.

You don't happen to have a women's outreach centre nearby do you? Or perhaps talk to your doctor about what is happening in your household? They may have resources to help you figure out how to gain your independence and safety back.

 

[Happyplace76]

3% of abusers per research by Lundy Bancroft (Author of "Why does he do that") get better. They don't typically recommend therapy with abusers but maybe find a therapist who's trained in domestic violence, emotional and has experience with PTSD and get their opinion on maybe seeing if he's willing to do more therapy work - one he'd have to admit to it, and then earnestly work at it. Think about if this is something he'd do. Like the rest said above - PTSD is not an excuse for Domestic Violence - physical, emotional, financial, etc... and after two abusive relationships the one that has caused the worst damage was the emotionally abusive one with the psychopath and it was the shortest of the two. Connect with a domestic violence agency anonymously also and see what they have to say. Leaving is when often times the most dangerous, so it's a decision you must make. But know that when you do leave there are people and agencies to help you. Good luck, my heart goes out to you! We hope for them so much!! Sometimes I think I put more hope in others than I do myself.

 

[Happyplace76]

That’s why I stayed. 11 years in total, 6 knowing I was living in abuse, but I couldn’t think of ano...

@Friday - you were with a psychopath? I was as well... sorry that you were but knowing I'm not the only one to have gone through such a (there aren't really any words are there?) experience is reassuring I'm not the only one.

 

[littleoc]

@Friday - you were with a psychopath? I was as well... sorry that you were but...

A lot of people here knew one some way or another. You aren't alone at all. :hug: I'm sorry you have been through that, too.

 

[Happyplace76]

A lot of people here knew one some way or another. You aren't alone at all. :hug: I'm sorry you have b...

It's so hard to explain, even put into words... I stayed silent about it for months other than telling the women's shelter and my therapists. I had the experience of one therapist - who I had started seeing before I left, look at me like I was crazy (truthfully I wasn't sure if what I went through was real - it's like living "Mother may I sleep with danger" starting Tori Spelling (a little humor) and just felt so defeated in ever anyone "getting" what I had just been through. Slowly, slowwwwly learning to stop doubting myself. Thank you @littleoc

 

[shimmerz]

My apologies. I forgot to post the link.
Abuse Types and Cycle Wheel

 

[Pippi427]

My ex-boyfriend was like this (NOT the Captain, the sufferer that I'm currently with). It started with him, the ex, kicking the dog. Then he would push me down on the ground, throw things at me. Finally one day it escalated into him attacking my puppy with a sharp object. The dog bled for an hour. It was horrific. The same thing my ex and your sufferer have in common is that they don't think they won't work on the diagnosis. Even then 3% get better like @Happyplace76 says. Please protect yourself. It took me a a full year after leaving my abuser to feel safe around a man again. Even after that I had nightmares and my dog is afraid of all men. Please don't consign your daughter to a life of nightmares or even learning that this behavior is acceptable.

 

[ruby2006]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. I've been reading your responses but don't feel ready to reply yet in a meaningful way. I've been feeling really sad since I posted, and have been taking time to feel and think.

 

[Pippi427]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. I've been reading your responses but don't feel r...

Take your time to make the right decision for you. Be safe.