Can You Really Forgive Your Abusers?

[J_trustno1]

@RussH : Thanks for replying. I was 10 when my father (who was 38 at the time) strangled me. He's been emotionally and verbally abusing me. I was always dumb and not good enough for this man even till today when I am 27 and he's 56.

The other form of abuse was when i was 12, that was forced child labor by mum's bastard narcissistic brother who was 38 at that time. He verbally and emotional abused me and humiliated me. This continued for 14yrs of my life (i.e. till last year when I was 26!!).

Then comes mum's sisters who beat me,verbally and emotionally abused me. I was 12 and they were 24 and 29 years of age then. The verbal abuse continued till last year and these women were almost 40!!

When I was 9, mum's sisters husband who was around 25 or 26 then, molested me.

Now their kids have learned the same and they also treat me how their parents did till last year. I don't talk to any of my abusers because I had enough of it last year.

These people were all adults and I was a kid!! How can you justify such actions of adults on a kid??

 

[Deleted member 487]

I've tried. but my memory won't forgive me.

 

[MissKB]

I know God says you must forgive to be forgiven yourself, but I do have a problem here. I had 3 separate abusers. One of them I had repressed for 35 years. I didn't even remember it until they died; so I didn't waste much hate on that person. I did forgive another of them - but never forgot. I loved this person so very much, I just could never let my guard down around him. And the last person I don't think I could ever forgive. I talk about it with my preacher and I still just can't get there.

 

[Hansgrohe]

It may depend on the person, the situation, the circumstances, everything. I'm really not sure what to say.

My brother abused me for most of my childhood. He never said sorry (not that I remember any apology that was meaningful), and that makes it even more difficult. "But Hansgrohe, your life is so much better!", or "That was a long time ago!" or some other platitudinous statement.

My brother made my life so much worse. He's given me low-self esteem, low self-confidence, a ton of other personal issues, he didn't let me enjoy my childhood, and it seems he had to get his point across in the most abrasive, meanest way possible. In fact, he still does this.

In order to make a point, my brother must be as abrasive, angry, and unforgiving as possible. At times, I've just completely snapped and gone full on into rant mode against him, and of course he's threatened with physical abuse (how f*cking nice). Because of this, I seriously hope he gets his ass beat for being such a tough hardass (he's also into false masculinity; again, how nice). He views the world in such an asshole-ish, psychopathic way. To give you a sense of what he thinks, I asked him about being thankful for food and not buying food you won't eat, and he just replied with "Well, it's my money and I have a right to waste it on what I want" and "I don't give a shit about the kids in Africa" (and ironically he complains about paying rent, etc). I don't think he has much capacity for empathy, either, yet sadly it seems all natural for him. What really scares me is that now, he's a father. That just... I can only hope for the little guy.

If I saw my brother genuinely change, and show positive signs, I would forgive him, because it's ridiculous to hold on to anger that is years old, to a person who did realize their sins (feeling remorse is quite painful, I know that because I've been VERY remorseful, it's quite something). However, he has NOT changed in his attitude. He STILL is an asshole, and for that, I won't forgive him.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Hansgrohe : Your brother and my mum's narcissistic brother hold equally similar values. My mum's brother is narcissistic, has no empathy, can even argue with a kid as young as 3 yrs of age to prove his point, he verbally and emotionally abused me and used to make filthy faces at me to scare me when I was 12 and him being nearly 40. He is a womanizer, sleeps around, abuses alcohol but at the same time he has so much money that he thinks he owns the world and no one is allowed to speak back to him if he yells at them. He thinks that since he is rich he can humiliate and downgrade people because he is some mighty God and therefore, others are just piece of shit in his eyes. Due to him and of course other perpetrators in my life I suffered from low self-esteem, low self-worth, depression, suicidal thoughts, hated myself and my body and many other issues. I can never forgive this bastard because he forced me into child labor.

I don't think people like this deserve forgiveness. He has never apologised to me and in 2013 after 13 years of being in this country I discovered that he had given me a name (Scar from the lion king, villain) since year 2000. Narcissists like this hardly change.

 

[Hansgrohe]

@J_trustno1 Well, I'm going to have to move out very soon then. I just really, REALLY don't like putting up with his bullshit. I hate being on my computer while he rants in an incredibly loud voice.

I should also mention he's had really, really bad meltdowns. I remember he had a full-on rant at my mother ON HER BIRTHDAY, and even threw food that had been bought to the ground. Then I remember the time he was a complete asshole to the family on Christmas in 2013...

 

[J_trustno1]

@Hansgrohe : wow! He has major issues and he seriously needs counseling or else he can harm people. My mum's brother gets into physical fights with other people especially at his parties and he used to beat his ex wife. He has filthy words for everyone and he is never wrong in his opinion. That man never gives up alcohol instead he abuses it. I think your brother has some serious issues. It'll be really good if you leave that place or your mum kicks him out.

My mum kept her asshole brother at our house in 2013 and as a result I started having intense memories of the past on how he used to treat me as a kid. He even used to make nasty statements on me in 2013 despite living under our roof. He's a very selfish moron. That kind of people really scare me. I hope you and your mum are safe. Is there some mental illness he's suffering from or was he abused as a child? His behavior is not normal at all.

 

[Hansgrohe]

Never wrong - Oh god. My brother CAN'T lose an argument. He NEVER will. Worse, he'll use the worst, most faulty logic just to back up his BS statements. I should also note that he's been yelling at his own child, so that's not a good start. Thankfully, he DOESN'T beat or abuse his GF (which is miraculous), but I really have a bad feeling about his son.

And no, my mom won't kick him out. As long as he keeps paying rent and all that, he'll stay. So I'll only escape him if I move out (which is conceivable if my dad and I can work on a cooperative apartment when I attend college) or he moves out himself (possible, but seems unlikely).

 

[Lionheart]

I experienced abuse at the hands of a large number of people (over a period of approximately a decade) , and I have managed to forgive all but two of them.

For the longest time I didn't think it was possible to forgive any of them. My father, I was able to make peace with several year before he passed away and I'm grateful for that.

The two inhumanoids who hurt me the most, I have yet to forgive and I don't know if I ever will. Maybe eventually, but perhaps not, I can't say. I don't understand why I can forgive some, but not the others. So it is something I pray about.

 

[RussH]

@Lionheart777
Perhaps the key to forgiving the two inhumanoids is to first recognizing them as human. Please don't get me wrong I am not being critical of you, and this is just an observation, but until you recognize them as human, and stop dehumanizing them in your mind, you will not be able to forgive them.

When you come to the point that you recognize their humanity, and as such living in the all- too -fallen state of being human, with their own hurts and their own demons, then you will perhaps be able to forgive them, and travel a bit farther on the road to your healing.

 

[Lionheart]

Thanks @RussH I take no offense, you make a good point. Still, I think deep down inside, if I am totally honest with myself, I don't really want to forgive them. not yet anyways. Hope that doesn't make me a bad person.:oops::ninja::unsure:

 

[ekane]

People who try to "preach" forgiveness down your neck... eliminate them from your life. They are denying your truth and glossing over what will be a lifelong effort to recover from abuse. If you forgive someone it will be on your terms, in your own time, and it doesn't have to match anyone else ideas about what forgiveness is. And the word is "IF."

Ignore these sheep who redundantly repeat the same ol' phrases about forgiveness because they are literally re-abusing in the process by devaluing your current pain, your current truth. Its like those victim-blamers who try to shame a sexual assualt victim for being outside at nightinstead of placing responsibility on the criminal! Healthy support comes from people who let you feel how you feel right now instead of trying to preach/dictate/control you into feeling something else. Your anger is warranted and frankly its useful right now. Focus on yourself and no one else.

I have forgiven some* abusers, not all. Focusing on myself has had a byproduct of allowing me to forgive some* abusers. But do I still sometimes wish I could inflict profound harm on them? Yes, sometimes. Its just not often anymore. There is one I may never forgive. And who cares? I can release my anger and live my life and not think about this person much at all, but some people claim that's not possible. There are 7billion people on this earth and everyone is different and able to do/have/be something different. So you can forgive, or you can not, and regardless*** you can go on to live a happy healthy life. Forgiveness is only defined within you* anyway. Nobody else's definition is relevant to you. You are the only one inside yourself, having your experience. Only you know what is right, when it's right, if anything is ever right at all.