Can You See It In Others?

[shimmerz]

I traveled a very long distance by car with a dear friend of mine. I will call her B. I have known her for years and she was an active and loving help during my meltdown. We are tight. I was shocked when she said she wanted to come with me because I know she gets a bit freaked out by my fainting spells etc. I know her well but now I know her REALLY well. We talked non-stop for over 14 days - 10 of which were in a car.

As a background she had a very traumatic past. She has not been diagnosed with PTSD but I could see it in her....lurking....and knowing that if I pushed any of her buttons it would not be good for her.

Anyways, I noticed some things being in such tight quarters. It was interesting to me because I could see that she had severe OCD behaviours that may have driven other people nuts but I somehow 'got it'. Everything had to be in a certain 'spot'. I got it. I am not so much like that but that didn't mean that she couldn't have her own things. I respected what she needed and put things away in her spots or asked her to put it where she wanted it. I handed complete control of that to her because she needed it. I don't know if she wanted it but I could see she needed it. She spoke about how others get really abusive with her when her OCD takes over.

She has a very sensitive sense of smell. I knew that before but didn't realize how severe until we were away. Smells set her off like crazy. So much so that she will get rashes and all sorts of outbursts on her. Put a bottle of windex or any other cleaning solution in front of her and she goes ballistic. (I am not meaning that in a condescending way - really just for effect). I talked to her about it about half way through the trip. Her parents were bakers. That I knew. Both parents were abusive. That I knew. Anyways, I mentioned that I had noticed that smells would have been a huge thing in their lives as kids so I could see that she was sensitive to smells but didn't understand the cleaning solution thing. She paused, said, OMG! and then went on to tell me about how after the baking (when her parents were no longer focused on work but on the kids), her parents would be cleaning up after baking!

We had a bunch of things that we spoke about (hers and mine) and I think we both came out of it better for the discussions. I just wonder if there are those of you out there that can 'see' of 'feel' someone who has trauma like behaviours?

 

[sun seeker]

I just wonder if there are those of you out there that can 'see' of 'feel' someone who has trauma like behaviours?

Yes, I can tell. Maybe not just seeing someone on the street, but it doesn't take a lot of interaction. As long as those are people who are working on themselves as opposed to taking out their trauma on other people, they tend to be people I feel more comfortable around. We "get" each other. There is a depth to them that attracts me.

For example, last winter I was doing some work for a neighbour who was renovating his house, and there were several other workers coming and going. One of them I felt comfortable around right away. I could tell that he had anxiety problems because the way he would try to reassure himself without letting on that he was anxious was just like what I do. I eventually felt enough confidence to tell him that, and he confirmed it. He was such a gentle soul and made the job tolerable for me.

So yes, that's one vote in favour.:-)

 

[ghotiff]

I could see that she had severe OCD behaviours that may have driven other people nuts but I somehow 'got it'

I totally relate to this. All my friends who become close turn out to have childhood issues. I think it's because they can be okay with my quirks, and I can be okay with theirs.

Non close friends say things to try and fix my quirks, close friends know there is no "fixing", well...at least no quick fix from them :)

 

[sun seeker]

Non close friends say things to try and fix my quirks, close friends know there is no "fixing", well...at least no quick fix from them

It's a gift, isn't it... to find those few people who will accept you as a whole package and don't expect you to be healed before you are acceptable. Not that they don't want more for you, but they can let you be you without the constant pressure. I've really only found one such person... there was another but she dumped me. There is another good friend that I think might be able to understand this if I could find a way to explain it so she doesn't think I don't appreciate all her attempts to help me. The ironic thing is, when you're around people who aren't trying to fix you, it loosens you up and you are actually more able to let the healthy, strong parts of you shine. At least that's how it's been for me. My favourite herbalist, Susun Weed, said something I like to quote: "Everyone I have ever known just wants to be loved with all their problems intact."

 

[shimmerz]

@sun seeker, that reminds me of a story when I first melted down and didn't realize at all what was happening to me. A worker came to the back of the house of friends I was staying with just out of the shelter. The minute I realized he was there and could see me I raced around and closed all of the blinds ASAP. My friend relayed that this man had asked 'what had happened to me'. I had no idea how he would know. lol. Yes, it was so subtle my pulling the drapes like a mad woman on a sunny beautiful day. Makes me giggle.

 

[Anarchy]

I just wonder if there are those of you out there that can 'see' of 'feel' someone who has trauma like behaviours?

Oh hell yes, I can now anyway - I think.

I scribbled a list a few evenings ago - more of a table really - people whom I know or have known and who I think might have been their abuser. A friend whom I confide in, told me to be very, very careful, because I really don't know the truth of any of them.

Some lead in disturbing directions, one woman whom I know well, who is high achieving, but both her and her older brother are sort of narcissistic and were spoilt rotten by their parents - they had sister who came between them in age, that sister finally managed to die last year, of liver failure from decades of numbing out with a bottle of spirits before lunch - she was married to a wierd sort of co dependant bloke that I wouldn't trust as far as I could spit him. Was it her dear father, was it the brother - or was it both (cold shiver!)?

My father worked one out about a year ago, after watching a film on TV. A small farmer in a neighbouring village, back when my father was a child (sixty something years ago) had a very damaged daughter whom he doted on - and a much younger daughter. dirty bastard!

There are a few people who I'll be giving warm hugs to, next time I see them - and I'll be asking nothing. If they ever want to share, I'll listen.

 

[ghotiff]

The ironic thing is, when you're around people who aren't trying to fix you, it loosens you up and you are actually more able to let the healthy, strong parts of you shine.

Exactly. Because at least one factor is that if they are fine with your quirks, you feel free to make mistakes while working on them. Those people who want you fixed are less patient to your mistakes as you bumble through towards getting better.

 

[EmmaDancing]

I just wonder if there are those of you out there that can 'see' of 'feel' someone who has trauma like behaviours?

Yeah, I can. Same with eating disorders - I've struggled with anorexia for a long time and I find that I can always tell if somebody has - or has had - an eating disorder. My friend N is the same way. We call it second sight :)

I think what we've gone through makes us really perceptive and aware of certain things in people.

 

[scout86]

Yes, and no?

It turns out that most of my closest friends over the years have had PTSD, or at least had a background not so different from mine. I don't know that I was aware of that, exactly. I think the reason that we were drawn to each other was that our views of reality were similar and we felt comfortable and could trust each other.

Now, there's an aspect to this that I'm not sure how to put into words...... I've never really "looked" at other people all that closely in that deeper "what are they going through?" kind of way. I tend to deal with what shows up and not dig any deeper or ask any questions. That feels like it's some kind of defense, in a way. I've had a couple friends tell me that they "knew" stuff without me telling them and that it was "obvious" where I can't imagine what was obvious at all. I think they "saw" what ever it was they saw because they look at the world differently than I do and where willing to actually LOOK and then put a label on it. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I pretty much know a kindred spirit when I meet one, I just don't always realize what "kindred spirit" really means.

 

[Rumors]

I think there are certain traits we find familiar in others that we can relate to therefore we are drawn to our own kind. I certainly can "feel" when someone has a history of trauma and am more likely to hang with them or become friends with them. It is like a sixth sense we develop. Great topic!

 

[Karen12]

I don't know if I can but I had a friend in college who was an incest survivor and a cancer survivor. She said she could see both in others (she recognized me as a fellow incest survivor before I had even shared it with her). She was a very intuitive person in general, I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I wonder where she is today.

 

[ghotiff]

I've never really "looked" at other people all that closely in that deeper "what are they going through?" kind of way. I tend to deal with what shows up and not dig any deeper or ask any questions. That feels like it's some kind of defense, in a way.

I too am very respectful of others privacy and do not try and guess things. My thinking is they will tell me when they are ready and if they are not ready I don't need to know.

@scout86 I'm interested in understanding why you think of this as a self defence. I see is as respect.