Chat, check-in, and hang out

[parrotthepolly]

Pretty much anyone could die at any moment. I spent 20 years in the emergency services and saw people who died one their way through to the fridge.

I want people with me who will put effort into keeping us all alive.

As it is, I have given him and Drone Girl the heads-up and passed on the number I was given.

It's possible to be suicidal while still doing your job and keep other people alive.

Have you even figured out if that's the case.

Talking to someone with more control can seem like a betrayal when talking directly to someone you have a problem with means you're treating them as an equal.

 

[Paladin_141]

It's possible to be suicidal while still doing your job and keep other people alive.

Have you even figured out if that's the case.

Talking to someone with more control can seem like a betrayal when talking directly to someone you have a problem with means you're treating them as an equal.

I've been the suicidal guy trying to keep doing his job and I've been betrayed, so I know how that feels.

What worries me about him is less his suicisal ideation than his total passivity; he strikes me as the kind to decide to serenely accept his fate when things get sticky, rather than fighting his way out.

Anyway, as I say, my stint here is drawing to a close. I was in a pizza place the day before yesterday, waiting for the burger I'd ordered- because naturally I went to a pizza place and ordered a burger- when this chap I know appears and sits down at my table and the conversation goes roughly thusly:

Him: Get the f*ck out of here.
Me: Rude. I have a burger coming.
H: (sighs) It’s bullshit, mate, but they're throwing you lot into the grinder.
M: It’s probably beef, actually. Haha. Do tell, though.
H: Nothing more to tell.
M: My contract...
H: f*ck your contract. Get out and, when you do, email me at this address. You'll get a new contract. Enjoy your burger.

So I had my burger, complete with unexpected side order of Impending Doom, then went back to the billet, where the brigade liaison guy informs me that any future excursions out the house will need to be run by him first. Okay...

So I tell Drone Girl and Suicide Guy and give them contact details to units where I have friends (they haven't signed contracts yet and can still just walk away) then quietly pack my bag and set it by the front door.

First thing in the morning, I hear the brigade liaison get a phone call and so I make one of my own.

Sure enough, he appears and says to have breakfast and get our shit together became transport is coming to take us to Brigade.

I tell him I'm nipping out quickly to get snacks for the trip. He says okay and goes into the kitchen. I head out the front door, grabbing my bag on the way, and meet the taxi waiting outside and am gone.

As of this post I'm in a bus station several hundred miles away and making for the border, with an empty stomach, an empty wallet, a full heart and four potential contracts in my phone.

Fun times.

 

[Rose White]

Good luck @Paladin_141 keep us posted

 

[Paladin_141]

Good luck @Paladin_141 keep us posted

Will do.

If I can get across the border I can get a flight home, but I will have to lurk in-country until Friday before I try that. Got to lose myself in the mess of charity types, soldiers, mercs and spies back West for a bit. At least I can get beer there, if I can afford it.

I should be okay, contract-wise. I have been approached by a few outfits and there's one run by an old friend where I don't even have to apply, I'm just welcome to tag along any time.

There's also an offer of a Normal Person job back home that I might take for a few months, just to build up an emergency fund.

I have an ex-girlfriend who regrets her life choices dying to see me, a best friend who might be thinking about more and an old co-worker who tells me I'd better come home alive and buy her a drink, so I don't think I'll be stuck for company, either.

And I can get back to my DnD campaign.

And, last but far from least, Christmas at home with my kids.

I needed that, I think. Watching the wintery sunsets and thinking of what I'd miss has had me on the verge of tears every evening for weeks. Time at home is most welcome, with that in mind. Not to mention the worrying cough, stomach ailment and shoulder injury. Still got off a lot lighter than some, though.

The song "Barrett's Privateers" is stuck on repeat in my head. Can't think why...

 

[Paladin_141]

I'm out getting some fresh air. There's a woman in her, maybe, mid-40s, carrying some nice shopping bags and dressed for a night out. She's obviously crying and is dabbing at tears with a tissue.

I hate seeing people that upset. I want to go and see if I can help, but my grasp of the language is nowhere close to that conversation.

 

[SeanCharles]

I will likely be doing more writing in 2026 with recent developments with regards to what has been a medical roller coaster! I am so glad that I found this site when I did, because this site has and continues to be an important resource. I can say, that while one condition is changing, the ptsd will remain. For those who haven't read my diary, in a nutshell I have been fighting seizures which initially were difficult to pinpoint. Anti seizure meds were making issues much worse. in my case, my issues stem in the endocrine system. I have an overactive thyroid which is currently being treated and this treatment is stopping most seizures except for a couple of small episodes, likely because of missed dose which I will be discussing with my doc.

 

[Paladin_141]

Writing is good. Writing is fun.

Finding an agent is a nightmare, but writing is fun.

 

[Paladin_141]

Been sitting up tonight chatting with another guy, a Canadian. It's funny. So many of us here, from all over. Not all from the backgrounds you'd expect.

I don't really feel much like chatting, though. Tomorrow I finally start my long trek home to a life that never felt all that welcoming before but now feels actively hostile.

I cannot overstate how much I despise the people and the systems at home that make life so miserable. I wish I could bring them all here, either show them reality and teach them some perspective or else let the artillery make them not my f*cking problem anymore.

 

[Paladin_141]

Well, I'm making my run for the border tonight, by bus.

I've certainly had a day.

I got to the bus station 8 hours early, having not a penny to spend and nowhere else to go. I was almost immediately set upon by a beggar who doubtless figured - wrongly - that those in my profession are invariably well-heeled.

Now, at this point I hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours in days because of this wretched cough, nor had anything to eat save a tiny packet of garlic snacks bought with my last coins and which were absolutely awful and went in the bin. The only water I'd had was a scrounged half-empty bottle in the kitchen of the hostel and some vodka that a very chatty local had given me before he necked the rest of the bottle.

Needless to say, he was getting nothing from me, but was interpreting my mangled attempts at his language as a refusal and began to get pretty aggressive. My state being as it was, de-escalation went right out the window, but my natural disposition also precludes violence, so it boiled down to me repeating the words 'I don't have any money!' at ever increasing volume.

At this point, a local who speaks English intervenes and I tell him that I can’t give what I don't have and, in a moment of exasperation, say that I can’t very well feed him if I've not been able to eat for days myself.

Now this started a whole chain of events and one of the most positive experiences I've had in years, being promptly grabbed by this other fellow and frog-marched to some sort of community centre.

I'm sitting on the bus just now with a big bag of snacks. My stomach currently contains 2.5 small, microwaved pizzas and a significant volume of soup. I have had a shower- even though I had access at the hostel, I was mostly too sick and tired to make the effort- and am wearing clean, new underwear. I have received medical attention and had my cough diagnosed as double pneumonia. Then they stabbed me and gave me many boxes of pills.
Then I was dragged through to room with a comfy sofa, told to get into some pyjamas they had and made to take a nap for three hours.

The best bit, though, was them sitting in a gaggle around me, watching me hunched over and stuffing food in my face like a starved rat. It was only then that I realised I haven't been able to eat without puking or getting the shits afterwards for weeks. Well, actually, them watching me eat was a little unsettling, and I became nervous to the point of violently shaking and nearly losing my tea...then all the old, familiar PTSD bullshit came out.

What's nice about that? Nothing, really, but in this context, you don't have to hide it. It's almost expected. So I don't have to hide my shaking, or the twitch, or hold back the tears. I didn't have to be ashamed of myself.

And one guy, a long term local veteran of this thing, was just sitting and nodding and occasionaly giving encouraging smiles or a rhimbs up lwhile I told them all about what I'd been up to over here.

So, yeah. I feel kind of human again.

My faith in humanity has been sorely tried lately, almost to breaking point, but as the guy said, laughing at me nervously squirreling away a couple of chocolates in a pocket, 'it's ok, because not all people are bad'.

 

[bluebinstein]

Hope y'all are navigating the holiday season with grace
Things are still going pretty rough on my end
My np says to do support groups as if that will solve my problems.
Money is the primary issue. Along with a failing marriage. But that's just cpstd I guess. And the whole chromic illness thing.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Not good right now. Hopefully my friend will have some time during the holidays, said was very busy for the next 2 weeks for work but maybe just tired of me. I haaaaaaave been pretty unstable recently. I can come if I need to but I don't 'need' to.
Not much to live for otherwise. I'm also in trouble but nothing terrible has happened yet. It will all come crashing down along the line.
I didn't intend to cause harm but guess people view things differently and mine is distorted in 99 ways.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I confronted them and yeah been avoiding me for sure! Seems like an acceptable reason but feels like there's something deeper to this.

Been exhausted for ages and now I'm wide awake after 27 hrs Won't be resting today without possible cardiac arrest. Surprisingly I still don't want to die yet.