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I guess I went off topic here...
not at all. I understand what you are saying. It is a constant inner battle with things. It is hard for me to know what is real and what is my perceived reality. I appreciate that you said you sometime use humor and sarcasm. I do this also. It is very intertwined. All of the coping skills versus and survival skills. I am at a point where I want to sit these things down and let a few people in. Speaking only of myself but its almost like a game I play. Keep everyone out. Stay safe. Don't make anyone mad but also don't care about anyone. I don't care and at the same time am hurt because I care so much.
 
is hard for me to know what is real and what is my perceived reality.

I understand, I’m in a similar territory and it’s always hard because it throws me back to some ancient pain, I find hard to deal with. The deep inner conflict of „I shouldn’t need others and shouldn’t care and still feeling very much hurt when connection doesn’t happen or even if it happens me putting up the alarm Systems because I must defend my boundaries.
 
I understand, I’m in a similar territory and it’s always hard because it throws me back to some ancient pain, I find hard to deal with. The deep inner conflict of „I shouldn’t need others and shouldn’t care and still feeling very much hurt when connection doesn’t happen or even if it happens me putting up the alarm Systems because I must defend my boundaries.
yes i hear what you are saying. I hope you are doing well.
 
There's some sunlight bringing out the golden colors in our trees now. I have not been outside yet, but the last few mornings have been cold, and we were supposed to have our first freeze last night.
 
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