Phoenix_Rising
Platinum Member
Hi,
I have a severe and multifaceted form of PTSD (complicated PTSD) and have had a lot of traumatic experiences in my life. I have been working on myself continuously since I was 18 years old and am now 34. As a result, I still have PTSD that has a significant impact on my life now, but at least I am no longer bordering on crazy and am no longer a person that no stranger would ever mistake for normal.
I am a single mom of a healthy and well adjusted (thank God) 13 year old girl. I have a partner that I have been with for now almost 7 years. He left me in the summer, but realized he made a serious mistake in doing so and by some miracle we were brought back together within a month and a half even though neither of us actually sought the other out for a reconciliation. I have 5 stepkids, his children from his marriage of 18 years which had ended around the time we met (we were friends before we became involved) and 2 of them have autism. The youngest 3 and my daughter are all close in age, now 9 1/2, 11, 12 & 13. I have raised them since they were 2, 3, and 4, and my partner (who was my fiance before our breakup) is the only father my daughter, then 5, has ever known.
The breakup was extremely traumatic for me, as this is the only person I have ever loved, trusted, allowed into my world, and every part of me, the only person I ever gave everything to, who ever knew every part of me. He was the one who taught me what love was and helped me work through (and continues to) all of the sexual issues that I unfortunately bring to our relationship. I was terrified of men and sex before him, and never imagined I could be any other way, with any one.
I stayed alive after the break up because of my daughter, it was like someone had died and the pain was so bad I do not even want to remember it. I am still having functioning difficulties even though we are now back together again, love each other, and are working on our relationship to address the issues that caused us to have problems the last year we were together. I also have severe abandonment issues, which I did have before, but they are a lot worse now. I deal with it by being honest and communicating with him. He reassures me, and it helps.
We chat online and have started having some phone conversations, but do not plan to see each other until January, to allow ourselves to regain trust and love, and work out the issues we were each having. We aren't a couple who like to rush things, and we want to do this right and in a healthy way.
He is helping me a great deal with what I am going through now as a result of my work with a new therapist, who I have been seeing for the last 3 1/2 months or so. My therapist of 14 years is dying of terminal breast cancer. (Which, needless to say, after 14 years is pretty traumatic also, especially since it coincided with the exact same time frame as the break up of my relationship, and so I was coping with it all alone.)
I grew up in an alcoholic home with a violent and abusive father. My mother was also abusive, but in a very different way. She was your typical codependent, enabler who was in denial. My father was physically abusive, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and terrorized us all for several years when he went psychotic, his alcoholism spiralled completely out of control, and was always on the verge of killing my entire family. The reason why I am here now is because through my therapy it has recently come to light that he may have covertly sexually abused me as well, and I am having a great deal of trouble coping with that possibility (or reality, but I am struggling with THAT as well).
After all my healing, I am not a person to shy away from insights or emotional pain, but I find myself for the first time wishing that I could put the blinders back on, even if it does give me a new understanding of myself, and a path to healing that has been stuck in some ways a very long time. I need help with dealing with this, and understanding what happened. Therapy is helping me, but I then have to get through the rest of the week and do not want to have my partner having to deal with it more than he already is (he has been very supportive). I feel crazy and confused, and ashamed and guilty about the whole thing.
This is complicated by the fact I live with both of my parents as I have chronic pain and am on disability (and no, my father is not abusive in any form to, or around, my daughter, and her attitude about the continuing issues he does have is very healthy. I was quite pleased to hear when her 2 of her closest friends, sisters, said she was "mean" to her grandparents that she said to me that if grandpa is being cranky or snarky with my mom, or her, she doesn't want him to think she is scared of him so she will confront him on his attitude, upon which (from her) he will stop and laugh and shake himself out of it. I am very happy that she is developing assertiveness and a sense of healthy boundaries. She says, "Grandpa is not a people person.") LOL. Well, that is sure the truth. My parents have many issues, but they do love her (and for the rest, she has me to back her up, or explain things to her, or intervene if necessary).
And somehow I have been blessed with the fact that she still, at 13, feels she can share anything with me, and talk to me about her life. Which is not to say she tells me every secret she has, nor, at her age, do I expect her to. But she has expressed that she has an easier time talking to me (she used the word "calm" recently, comparing me to a friend's mom, never thought I would hear THAT word used to describe me!) than her friends do with their parents, and that she can speak to me like she would a friend. I think part of this is that I had her quite young (just 12 days after my 21st birthday--I am often mistaken for her sister), so there is not much of a lack of understanding on my part. At the same time, I am not one of those parents that abdicates the role of parent so I can be her "best friend". I'm still her mother.
In any case, I also have a history of repeated sexual abuse, and was in an abusive relationship with my daughter's father, who is not a part of our life, for just that reason. I am not willing to take chances with her safety, so I have never gone after him for child support or anything like that.
Anyway... I think that is probably plenty long enough for an "introduction" (abridged as it may be, considering). I hope this was not too long! Thank you for taking the time to read my introduction :).
Sincerely,
Phoenix_Rising
I have a severe and multifaceted form of PTSD (complicated PTSD) and have had a lot of traumatic experiences in my life. I have been working on myself continuously since I was 18 years old and am now 34. As a result, I still have PTSD that has a significant impact on my life now, but at least I am no longer bordering on crazy and am no longer a person that no stranger would ever mistake for normal.
I am a single mom of a healthy and well adjusted (thank God) 13 year old girl. I have a partner that I have been with for now almost 7 years. He left me in the summer, but realized he made a serious mistake in doing so and by some miracle we were brought back together within a month and a half even though neither of us actually sought the other out for a reconciliation. I have 5 stepkids, his children from his marriage of 18 years which had ended around the time we met (we were friends before we became involved) and 2 of them have autism. The youngest 3 and my daughter are all close in age, now 9 1/2, 11, 12 & 13. I have raised them since they were 2, 3, and 4, and my partner (who was my fiance before our breakup) is the only father my daughter, then 5, has ever known.
The breakup was extremely traumatic for me, as this is the only person I have ever loved, trusted, allowed into my world, and every part of me, the only person I ever gave everything to, who ever knew every part of me. He was the one who taught me what love was and helped me work through (and continues to) all of the sexual issues that I unfortunately bring to our relationship. I was terrified of men and sex before him, and never imagined I could be any other way, with any one.
I stayed alive after the break up because of my daughter, it was like someone had died and the pain was so bad I do not even want to remember it. I am still having functioning difficulties even though we are now back together again, love each other, and are working on our relationship to address the issues that caused us to have problems the last year we were together. I also have severe abandonment issues, which I did have before, but they are a lot worse now. I deal with it by being honest and communicating with him. He reassures me, and it helps.
We chat online and have started having some phone conversations, but do not plan to see each other until January, to allow ourselves to regain trust and love, and work out the issues we were each having. We aren't a couple who like to rush things, and we want to do this right and in a healthy way.
He is helping me a great deal with what I am going through now as a result of my work with a new therapist, who I have been seeing for the last 3 1/2 months or so. My therapist of 14 years is dying of terminal breast cancer. (Which, needless to say, after 14 years is pretty traumatic also, especially since it coincided with the exact same time frame as the break up of my relationship, and so I was coping with it all alone.)
I grew up in an alcoholic home with a violent and abusive father. My mother was also abusive, but in a very different way. She was your typical codependent, enabler who was in denial. My father was physically abusive, emotionally and psychologically abusive, and terrorized us all for several years when he went psychotic, his alcoholism spiralled completely out of control, and was always on the verge of killing my entire family. The reason why I am here now is because through my therapy it has recently come to light that he may have covertly sexually abused me as well, and I am having a great deal of trouble coping with that possibility (or reality, but I am struggling with THAT as well).
After all my healing, I am not a person to shy away from insights or emotional pain, but I find myself for the first time wishing that I could put the blinders back on, even if it does give me a new understanding of myself, and a path to healing that has been stuck in some ways a very long time. I need help with dealing with this, and understanding what happened. Therapy is helping me, but I then have to get through the rest of the week and do not want to have my partner having to deal with it more than he already is (he has been very supportive). I feel crazy and confused, and ashamed and guilty about the whole thing.
This is complicated by the fact I live with both of my parents as I have chronic pain and am on disability (and no, my father is not abusive in any form to, or around, my daughter, and her attitude about the continuing issues he does have is very healthy. I was quite pleased to hear when her 2 of her closest friends, sisters, said she was "mean" to her grandparents that she said to me that if grandpa is being cranky or snarky with my mom, or her, she doesn't want him to think she is scared of him so she will confront him on his attitude, upon which (from her) he will stop and laugh and shake himself out of it. I am very happy that she is developing assertiveness and a sense of healthy boundaries. She says, "Grandpa is not a people person.") LOL. Well, that is sure the truth. My parents have many issues, but they do love her (and for the rest, she has me to back her up, or explain things to her, or intervene if necessary).
And somehow I have been blessed with the fact that she still, at 13, feels she can share anything with me, and talk to me about her life. Which is not to say she tells me every secret she has, nor, at her age, do I expect her to. But she has expressed that she has an easier time talking to me (she used the word "calm" recently, comparing me to a friend's mom, never thought I would hear THAT word used to describe me!) than her friends do with their parents, and that she can speak to me like she would a friend. I think part of this is that I had her quite young (just 12 days after my 21st birthday--I am often mistaken for her sister), so there is not much of a lack of understanding on my part. At the same time, I am not one of those parents that abdicates the role of parent so I can be her "best friend". I'm still her mother.
In any case, I also have a history of repeated sexual abuse, and was in an abusive relationship with my daughter's father, who is not a part of our life, for just that reason. I am not willing to take chances with her safety, so I have never gone after him for child support or anything like that.
Anyway... I think that is probably plenty long enough for an "introduction" (abridged as it may be, considering). I hope this was not too long! Thank you for taking the time to read my introduction :).
Sincerely,
Phoenix_Rising
