Child Grooming: I Can't Wrap My Head Around It

[Lady of Longbourn]

You all are giving great feedback and it is so wonderfully helpful but my mind is not on straight enough at the moment to fully answer but I will comment on something that leap out at me. Most of you mentioned having some sort of compassion for myself.

You can't blame yourself

Please be reasonable and kind to yourself.

be compassionate with yourself

You were not at fault.

How? How to you have compassion and forgiveness for yourself? How do you stop blaming yourself?

I mean I understand that they were predators but I can't seem to stop being so angry at myself.

I took those pictures, those video's etc. I let them call me and chat with me. I have some blame....I know I do.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Children simply aren't mature enough to make those decisions, which is why the laws and society expect adults to make the right choices.

Good point.

Those men know exactly what to say to a young girl to get her attention. They know exactly what to say to flatter her, and give her the attention she craves.

Oh yeah...they really did. Most of the time it was a simple "How was your day?" and they would bother to talk with me. I wasn't talked to at school...people over looked me, I had no friends, teachers ignored me. I was never invited to birthday parties. No that's not true. I was invited once but it turned out to be a practical joke.

But they did know what to say to make me crave to talk to them everyday. Yeah I had to trade my body for it most of the time but I didn't really care becasue I suddenly felt like someone cared about what I said.

Which I guess makes me not much better then a whore. Just like my father said I was.

Sorry, I am not trying to be so whiny. I am just so confused.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

they should check what their children are doing, they should also sit down and warn their children of the dangers of the internet.

There was after it started. It was becasue my parents noticed I was on there so much. But my father went over board a bit. He did all that computer stuff and then set up video cameras in his house when I would visit over the summer. I think there was one in my bedroom too. He would watch me while at work.

He was doing that child safety thing but judging how when he found out he punished me and called me a slut it wasn't actually for my safety. If he was doing it for my safety his reaction should have been a bit different.

I guess if I ever caught my child doing something like that I would think that someone is exploiting them. Get them therapy or something. Actually if my child's best friend died I would have gotten them therapy then. Maybe I would have been a little less vulnerable to letting something like this happen.

I did breifty see a social worker. But when never talked about it becasue I thought there was nothing wrong with it and I didn't trust her. Instead we talked about my parents and stepparents but I guess she felt I was just whiny becasue the last time I saw her she told me that she doesn't have time for me, that she has other clients who have been abused and raped. Years later I also learned she was my mother's friends sister. So it turned out to be a therapy but bias. Also, I have learned with my current therapist that you have to spend some time with a client sort of slowly digging to get them to talk sometimes...

I should have said something.

I would defend them. Because I was brainwashed into thinking it was okay. And because I knew I wouldn't have anyone else to talk too and I was right until my rapist came along at 17 I never did have anyone to talk too.

Especially if the child uses a chat.

I don't think a child should be using chat rooms to begin with...

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I don't think it was your fault. I don't think you brought it on yourself. I think you were feeling alone and you found relief in conversation. Being that they indeed were predators they saw your age and your vulnerability. They knew. In fact they knew better. It sounds to me like you were vulnerable. And being predators they did what predators do and took that as an opportunity to convince and groom you.

You weren't a whore. You were a child looking to connect with people when you were feeling so alone. You are not at fault for what a predator did. I'm not a person who ever blames the victim. Because the one who is victimizing knows exactly what they're doing and why. They are meticulous in their planning. It is their conscious decision to mislead you. The fault is on them. Because as adults they did in fact know better. They knew exactly what they were doing and why.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. I'm sorry you were so alone. And I really hope you can hear me in every possible way when I say it wasn't your fault. That's just the head game they played with you. I was date raped at 17 by a 21 year old man I'd invited into my house. I still wrestle with whether or not it was my fault since I invited him in. I'm relating this to you because I'm still trying to learn too that it's not my fault. Even though I let him in. And I knew him. He knew when he got in his car to come to my house what he was going to do. Therefore and especially since I repeatedly told him no HE is at fault. And the same is true for you. It was their fault. Not yours.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

especially since I repeatedly told him no HE is at fault

But I told them yes.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

But

In my opinion it doesn't matter that you did. You were just a kid. And they were adults. You were feeling vulnerable and they used that to make the situation "normal" to benefit themselves. That's all on them.

 

[ms spock]

But I told them yes.

Someone who is crying whilst they are stripping is not saying yes. They are strongly saying they don't want to do it.

You are putting an adult mentally on a very young person who didn't even have someone to ask her how her day had gone. You were so desperately needy and alone. You didn't even have a teacher to talk to at school.

 

[ms spock]

How? How to you have compassion and forgiveness for yourself? How do you stop blaming yourself?

I don't know at this point Ayesha. I am struggling with this myself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

That is someone vulnerable and needy

Being 'needy' makes me feel stupid. Like a spoiled kid or something. It's not usually a good adjective.

Not saying I am upset with you for saying that, not at all.

 

[ms spock]

Being 'needy' makes me feel stupid. Like a spoiled kid or something.

Would a better way to put it be that you were a young person with basic human needs, who wasn't getting your basic needs met and that this is terribly neglectful and abusive. That being uncared for in such a manner put you in an extremely vulnerable state which meant you were very easy prey for the predators?

I could put it better than that though. I will think on it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Adolescents make mistakes

Mistakes? That makes it sound like I was 17 and stayed out until after my curfew. Not sure how I feel about the term mistakes. Not saying it wasn't one but it feels like I did it becasue I was a dumb teenager.

Not angry Marguerite at your choice of words. I am just saying I am acknowledging my feelings about feeling stupid about it all.

 

[Britt.f7]

I know how desperate I sound right now. Sorry.

First, don't be sorry. You feel how you feel, period. No judgement here.

Second it makes me sick to know there are "groomers" out there. The blame lies with them not the victims and you were, definitely, a victim. You were a child. Would you look at a child of 14 now who is being groomed and think it was their fault. Your brain thinks much differently when you are a child. You seek love and attention. Please do not hold yourself responsible for this behavior. There were adults who should have behaved like warm, caring, adults instead of harmful perpetrators. They violated your trust. I can not emphasize it enough, you were a victim, you were a child, please do not accept their blame as your own.