Very interesting thread this is. I was very badly physically abused by my father with the first I remember being broken shoulder bones at age two. What I have been hiding from myself for some 60 years now is the sexual abuse by his mother, my natural grandmother. Then, early this year I ended up in a situation that cranked up my PTSD to maximum, at a level it has never been before. A big part of this was also caused by my former wife of 44 years suddenly deciding to abandon me for reasons she still has not explained. That has also opened up a number of memories that I had very well hidden from myself, especially the sexual abuse.
The sex abuse did not involve pain so that isn't part of it. My grandmother liked to insert objects into my rectum but must have been very careful as it never hurt. The memories I have are mostly as from a third person point of view, as if I am standing to the side watching her and myself. I'm not sure how it is possible to create such memories but I do know that these memories are very real. I do also have the actual memories of lying on my front side and following her instructions. It isn't possible that I have created a string of memories that went on for years. It was when I was about six years old that I finally told her to stop or I would tell my grandfather about it. Then it never happened again. It only ever happened when he was not around and I was being "looked after" by her since my mother also had to work back then.
Part of this unlocking of the memories of the sexual abuse was brought out by my being on this forum and discussing this subject. I nearly went into shock when I suddenly realized that what we were discussing also applied to me. I had so carefully hidden those memories over so many years that they didn't come to the fore until an actual conversation about such abuse. I normally have an exceptionally good memory, something called an "autobiographical memory". Mine is of the type where I pretty well remember every single day of my life to some degree. It doesn't mean I remember every minute of every day. It does mean that I remember something from nearly every day, starting at around age one and mostly complete for every day since about age two.
This might sound impossible but I am now 66 and have only lived about 24,130 days. That isn't so much to remember when you compare it to the number of words I must remember for speaking about five languages. What so much surprises me is how well I was able to hide some memories of abuse. Now I am somewhat afraid just what else my come back out of the mental woodwork tucked away in my head some place.
I did recently have a memory of my father doing something that was near death for me. It wasn't the only time. I was about to write it down but didn't as I was very tired. The next morning and until now I only remember the memory coming out but I cannot remember the details at all. This seems like a strange situation. I now have a memory of a memory where the original is back to being hidden and the new memory is very incomplete. I am not at all certain what to make of this or if it is even real. I am very well aware that fake memories can be very easily created, especially when falling to sleep. Those are known as "Hypnagogic Dreams" or hallucinations. These are very clearly distinguished from schizophrenia since hypnagogia only occurs when one's eyes are closed. The moment my eyes open it stops instantly. These dreams occur virtually every time I fall asleep and they happen during stage 1 sleep when one is still aware of not yet being asleep.
One of the stranger things that I deal with in my memories is that I not only remember most of my past waking life but I also remember very many of my past dreams. The memory of dreams is normally very clearly separated from the memory of reality. I don't just remember a few dreams from now and then, I remember dreams starting from only a few years old and continuing to what I was dreaming last night. Many of the dreams are extremely realistic but they are still very distinctly memories of dreams and not real life.
My earliest dreams were a type of nightmare where I was walking down a pretty street with a pretty lawn and beautiful perfect white picket fencing surrounding the green lawn. I was walking on the side walk. Then, in the dream I become aware that something is following me. I cannot turn my head to look for what it is. It is approaching me from behind and getting much closer. And closer. Then when is is so close it is about to do something very, very bad I try as hard as I can to see it but instead I wake up from the dream crying intensely.
I have had that dream again this year for the first time since I was a child. It woke me up so badly in the psych ward I was in that I shouted loud enough to wake people in other parts of the ward. I normally never speak in my sleep, let alone shout.
Starting to head off into never never land. Time to do something else.....
