I have been remembering some things lately and I don't know if I am the perpetrator or not. But I think I am the perpetrator because I am older than my cousin and I am not sure of others. There are so many things I don't remember, so there might be some inaccuracies.
I have always heard that most abusers in cocsa are usually influenced but I think I wasn't. The only situation I can say I was groomed was when my aunt(she is 6 or 7 years older than me) will come to my home and bath with I and my elder sisters who are twins and 3 years older than me. I remember that we would rub each others body but not anything too sexual. I also remember, being exposed to sexual contents and seeing my parents having sex.
I don't know when the cocsa started but I remember being 6/7 and I and my classmate playing with our private parts (no penetration). I can't determine who started it first because I can't remember. But I remember that I never protested to it.
Another scenerio is kissing a boy I was about 2 years older than at my mom's shop. It stopped there.
Another one was when I and my neighbours children touched each other. They are two sisters. I don't remember their ages but I do know I was older than the younger sister. We would touch our private parts and I can't remember what led to all this. I just remembered that we did it. I don't remember how long it went for.
Another is between I and my cousin who is three and eight months younger than me. I don't remember the things we did together but I felt that we did things together. The only one I remember is trying out something I watched on a movie with her. This action with my cousin made me believe I am the perpetrator. Since then I stopped any sexual activity, which was when I was 12.
Right now, I don't know if these actions contributed to my life negatively(I am 23 now). I hate people's touch, I swore off relationships because I can't stand being intimate with someone. I haven't had sex before and hate the idea of having one, so still a virgin. I know have PTSD even though I haven't visited a therapist before. I am awkward with witnessing a sexual activity whether in a movie or in real life but okay when I read it in a novel. I have turned into a recluse and don't like associating with people. But I usually think: why do I feel like this or I shouldn't be feeling like this when I am the perpetrator.
Sometimes I also wonder if I am the cause that my cousin is a hypersexual person. I am not sure but just the way she behaves made me determine that and I know she is on porn groups.
It's as if I need someone to sort out my thoughts for me and give me an answer because I don't understand.
Sometimes I just feel like a slut when I think that I did it with four different people. Not remembering much also adds to the frustration and guilt.
I have always heard that most abusers in cocsa are usually influenced but I think I wasn't. The only situation I can say I was groomed was when my aunt(she is 6 or 7 years older than me) will come to my home and bath with I and my elder sisters who are twins and 3 years older than me. I remember that we would rub each others body but not anything too sexual. I also remember, being exposed to sexual contents and seeing my parents having sex.
I don't know when the cocsa started but I remember being 6/7 and I and my classmate playing with our private parts (no penetration). I can't determine who started it first because I can't remember. But I remember that I never protested to it.
Another scenerio is kissing a boy I was about 2 years older than at my mom's shop. It stopped there.
Another one was when I and my neighbours children touched each other. They are two sisters. I don't remember their ages but I do know I was older than the younger sister. We would touch our private parts and I can't remember what led to all this. I just remembered that we did it. I don't remember how long it went for.
Another is between I and my cousin who is three and eight months younger than me. I don't remember the things we did together but I felt that we did things together. The only one I remember is trying out something I watched on a movie with her. This action with my cousin made me believe I am the perpetrator. Since then I stopped any sexual activity, which was when I was 12.
Right now, I don't know if these actions contributed to my life negatively(I am 23 now). I hate people's touch, I swore off relationships because I can't stand being intimate with someone. I haven't had sex before and hate the idea of having one, so still a virgin. I know have PTSD even though I haven't visited a therapist before. I am awkward with witnessing a sexual activity whether in a movie or in real life but okay when I read it in a novel. I have turned into a recluse and don't like associating with people. But I usually think: why do I feel like this or I shouldn't be feeling like this when I am the perpetrator.
Sometimes I also wonder if I am the cause that my cousin is a hypersexual person. I am not sure but just the way she behaves made me determine that and I know she is on porn groups.
It's as if I need someone to sort out my thoughts for me and give me an answer because I don't understand.
Sometimes I just feel like a slut when I think that I did it with four different people. Not remembering much also adds to the frustration and guilt.