Relationship Cold Feet Or Is It A Mistake

[Futuremrs]

I don't know what to do I am so lost and confused.

Background is my fiancé didn't want a gf when we got together because of an abusive ex wife. I didn't push it and didn't want a bf either because I had just gotten out of a relationship. It just felt right and it was his idea completely. We did long distance for a year when he went to Afghanistan after only being together a month.

I guess he wasn't really serious about me and his dad was a terrible influence (I know because I saw the conversations.) I found out about a year ago, after I decided he was the one, that he was cheating on me pretty much the whole time. Until she wanted him to leave me and he wouldn't.

I know people cheat because something is lacking and obviously to be away for 4 months at a time it's a sexless relationship. I'm not making excuses and he knows he was wrong and has taken full responsibility, I guess I just see why he did it. I'm not sure what to do. I love him so much, but now I'm different. I've changed. I don't feel the same way about him as I used to.

He has PTSD so his fits and how he gets so angry with me don't help at all. I feel completely numb. I don't know what to do. He has completely changed his life for me because I told him if you want me to actually believe you're going to have to show me. If he wanted to go back that was ok with me but he had to respect the fact that i couldn't stay with him. He decided to stay. He loves me, I know this but I guess I just feel lost. What if I'm making a mistake? I want butterflies like I used to have with him. I want to feel like I'm marrying my best friend. I used to be ok with everything like taking care of him and reminding him about everything but I feel like my tolerance and understand has completely gone out the window since I found out. I feel like his mom not his best friend. I also, can't stop thinking about my ex.

I know cold feet are normal, but I don't think that's what this is and I don't know what to do. I can't help but think this isn't cold feet. I also feel like he's selfish, he wants sex everyday and I just don't anymore. He doesn't take the time kiss me or do the things I like. I know he loves me and he can be thoughtful, but I feel like he's too comfortable and not scared to loose me. Not that I'm saying he should be, but I feel like if you stop treating someone how you did at the beginning your relationship might not last.

I feel like there's a mutual respect that is lacking on his side. If I don't want to do something I shouldn't have to do it or if I say stop he should stop. I shouldn't feel guilty for not having sex with him 2 times everyday but I do and my needs go unmet and when I try to talk to him he gets upset.

I guess I'm just feeling beaten down and like I'm not the person who I used to be. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm engaged planning a wedding and I can't stop thinking that I'm making a mistake. It also doesn't help that his dad is still cheating, and he has a good relationship with his father. He has asked his dad to stop talking about it with him because he's trying to be a better person. He did this on his own and he didn't have to tell me what his dad was saying, but he did. I guess I'm just torn and need advice, I'm completely lost.

 

[Friday]

Personally, I'd either postpone the wedding & all plans (or say f*ck it and elope tomorrow, but I'm impulsive like that).

Statistically if you go pour through the Kinsey's, and other sex & sexuality research, & marriage & fidelity research... Infidelity has about a 2-5 year arc to recover from. Whether you reconcile or split/divorce. That is the approximate timeline for trust to return. ((Even if there are multiple repeats... All it does statistically is reset the clock.)) 2-5 years. That isn't a long time in a marriage, but it's an eternity whilst dating.

Oh... People don't cheat because something is "missing"... in the relationship. They cheat because something is f*cked up with themselves. What's wrong in the relationship? Is them. They could do the honorable thing & either divorce or breakup or have a frank discussion about opening up the relationship; but they choose not to allow their partner the same freedoms they're taking, by lying to them. They're dishonest. Any so called reasons / things missing? Completely fall by the wayside with that simple little thing... They could choose to be honest, and don't. That puts cheating entirely on their own shoulders. Not on whatever external thing is convenient to blame shift onto.

 

[Futuremrs]

I do think about postponing it or just calling it off all together. I keep asking myself can I do this for the rest of my life. I feel like a bad person for doing that. I've already asked all my bridesmaids and everyone loves him because they don't know how it really is. I feel like I can't tell anyone because it will change their opinion of him.

Well, I guess I'm not recovered yet. I feel like I did know that though, but it's good to know I will eventually trust him again. The sad part is I don't really care, I feel like I've completely distanced myself emotionally. It's hard to be connected and vulnerable with someone who just hurts you, even if it's just mean things he says or calls me a bitch. He apologizes later but it doesn't undo it.

Well, then I'm worried that nothing has changed. I feel like I'm the only one who wants to grow and work through it and he wants to ignore it just like his PTSD. Both are getting worse and I feel like I'm going to go crazy if something doesn't change. I also worry that his family is judging because nobody knows why I he is staying other than his dad. He wont let me tell them because he doesn't want their opinion to change or he yells fine tell them is that what you want?

I cheated once, but it was just a kiss and I was drunk and I put an end to it immediately and felt terrible. To the point where I stopped drinking when he was gone. I completely changed my life because I was so disappointed in myself and the guilt was eating me alive. I guess I just feel like he is selfish a lot and he doesn't even see it. He makes me out to be the bad guy and calls me a bitch and I just don't feel like its fair. You can only push someone so far before they break. I feel like it's going to come to a head.

 

[Wastinglight]

People don't cheat because something is "missing"... in the relationship. They cheat because something is f*cked up with themselves.

Agreed.

I'm really sorry you're going through this @Futuremrs. I wouldn't call your reaction to his infidelity "cold feet". I would say your subconscious is protecting you by putting up a wall. It's an entirely normal reaction to a betrayal.

My advice? Postpone postpone postpone. And possibly take a break from the relationship. Where's the fire? There's no need to rush into anything. Be aware that if he is not actively working on his recovery from PTSD, you can expect nothing to change in the way he treats you.

Take it from someone who was betrayed repeatedly over a 15 year period - go talk to a therapist about this and sort out your feelings. If you don't, you may find that the unresolved issues from this incident will really mess with your head, and make it difficult to trust/be intimate in romantic relationships in the future.

If you decide to pursue the relationship, make sure that you very clearly state your boundaries to him, and stick to them. Sticking to them is the important part.

Best of luck to you. Look after yourself.

 

[Wastinglight]

Sorry, just had to add....

I feel like a bad person for doing that. I've already asked all my bridesmaids and everyone loves him because they don't know how it really is. I feel like I can't tell anyone because it will change their opinion of him.

This is not your problem. It's not. Don't take responsibility for him. I remember when I broke up with my ex, a lot of people were very upset - some were even distraught. I'm not kidding. Everyone thought we had the perfect relationship, but the truth was worlds away from what people thought (or chose to believe) about us.

You don't have to tell everyone the gory details, but don't push on with your plans because of What People Might Think. Sorry, but f*ck that. Best way to lead an unhappy life, in my opinion.

 

[Futuremrs]

Agreed.

I'm really sorry you're going through this @Futuremrs. I wouldn't call...

Thanks. I'm trying to take care of myself. I wanted to go to the supporter sessions through the va. He ended up agreeing to get help so I didn't go to those. I feel like he's very controlling inadvertently because so many things make him angry. We stopped getting help because he hates crying and his amazing therapist now makes him upset. I feel like that's a problem he has to deal with because everyone makes him angry and he overreacts.

I love him and want to help him, but I feel like a caretaker not a partner. He doesn't see how it really is either. Even some of my friends ask me how I put up with him. I have told him if he ever cheated again I would leave. No questions, no second chances, I don't care what the circumstances were. Everyone is human and they aren't perfect, but if he didn't learn from it I wouldn't waste my time.

He told me if I want a break were done he won't ever come back. Even if he knew he was wrong his pride would stop him from coming back. He holds me to a double standard and it isn't fair. He can cheat, but I can't have a break. I can't tell him anything either because he gets angry and thinks I should be over it already. I feel like I'm a bubble and I'm ready to pop.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hmm, yes, that's a tricky situation you're in. From the information you've provided, it may be that he is not ready for a relationship at this point in time. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do on his recovery, and some people find it difficult to do this and maintain a healthy relationship at the same time.

I completely understand your unwillingness to leave him when he is struggling. Sometimes it is the very thing that helps a person get their sh*t together and pull through. For others, the stress of a relationship might make things worse. There's not really any way of knowing at this point, but the fact that he has already put some effort in, is a good sign.

The important thing is for you to know what your limits are, and that you look after your own mental health at all times. If you start feeling like you are his carer all the time, and there is nothing left of the romantic relationship? Possibly time to call it quits, but it could be that he just needs a few months to get himself sorted.

The way I do it with my guy is that I check in with myself every couple of weeks and just ask myself "How's it going?" Listen to your body and your feelings.

But honestly, if you do nothing else, find a good therapist for yourself - it might take a few tries to find one who is right for you. They will help you with these periodic "reality checks" and keep you accountable for your own self-care.

And therapy for him should be non-negotiable for the relationship to survive. PTSD doesn't just get better by itself.

If he won't tolerate a "break", perhaps you could suggest a compromise, like creating a bit more space in the relationship, so you can clear your head?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Cheating sucks, and it is perfectly reasonable for it to be your deal breaker.

 

[Futuremrs]

So we were going to therapy and it was 200 an hour for a visit and he wasn't actually applying anything. So I couldn't keep paying for it if he didn't want help. I suggested the vet center and he blew up at me.

Apparently I'm manipulating and selfish and he hates me. I'm really not and I know it's the PTSD but how do I deal with this? I know cheating isn't as bad as PTSD but I still don't feel equipped to deal with this and he just snaps. I'm drained and eating my feelings and its sucking the life out of me. People keep telling me don't rush to judgement, but how am I supposed to know. You don't have a crystal ball.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know cheating isn't as bad as PTSD but I still don't feel equipped to deal with this and he just snaps.

You know what? He betrayed you, and it is a big deal if it makes you feel horrible. PTSD be damned. He doesn't get a free pass just because of his situation. Ask yourself this... if he was a healthy guy, would you forgive him cheating on you? If you don't usually tolerate a cheater, don't tolerate it now because he has PTSD.

My first husband (another soldier, lord help me) was a serial cheater, and that shit is devastating to a relationship. I was young and stupid, and thought I had to be with the father of my children. I forgave and worked harder to be a good wife, and he just cheated again and again. He didn't even have PTSD... he just never cared about anybody but himself. Some people think that behavior has justification, and some people think there is never ever a valid reason to cheat. Those two types of people suck in a relationship together. One's gonna cheat, and the other is going to be devastated by it and never fully get over it.

My ex was a cheater, and I think cheating is cowardly and bullshit. We were a match made in hell. I have now found somebody who hates cheating just as much as I do. This is the one that has PTSD... go figure.

 

[Wastinglight]

I know cheating isn't as bad as PTSD

Say what? I'm with @Sweetpea76 - you're looking at this the wrong way around. You are absolutely entitled the feel this way. If it was me, I wouldn't be giving him a second chance at all. Cheating is a deal-breaker for me, it doesn't matter how sorry the guy is afterwards. They should have thought about that before they cheated.

Regardless of whether he's going to cheat on you again, he's still treating you like shit. Like @Sweetpea76 said, mental illness isn't a free pass to treat people however you want.

I'm drained and eating my feelings and its sucking the life out of me.

If this feeling continues for you, and if he doesn't show any signs of trying to change his behaviour, I think you already have your answer. Honestly, I don't think it helps him OR you, if you stick around and keep putting up with his verbally abusive bullshit. If this relationship is causing you this much emotional distress, and there's no hope for change on the horizon, it's time to step back.

Just my two cents....

Hugs if you want them :-)

 

[Futuremrs]

You know what? He betrayed you, and it is a big deal if it makes you feel horrible. PTSD be damned. H...

So he agreed to work on things himself and if he does and in 6 months things aren't better in my opinion he will go back to therapy. He got mad when I said could we make it shorter or change the wedding date. I wasn't sure how to deal with that. He said we will do it my way so why does it matter, but I don't want to marry someone just to find it isn't going to work. Marriage is forever and that's a big deal to me.

I don't usually tolerate cheaters, but I also made a mistake so I guess it changed my mind . I'm not saying it's right or wrong and I probably need therapy because that's when his behavior started affecting me and I am no longer as understanding or loving as I used to be. Well it's been over a year since he cheated and he hasn't done it again. I know if I can get over it he wont do it again. I just feel like given the right opportunity most people will cheat.

Say what? I'm with @Sweetpea76 - you're looking at this the wrong way around. Yo...

Yes, I agree. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong and he makes me out to be the bad guy. He did agree to get help and I know he will keep his word. If he wants to read self help books and try to do it himself, thats fine. If I don't feel its working in 6 months from now, we are going to therapy. I think I am going to start therapy now though, so I don't lose my mind.

He doesn't want me telling anyone what happened or how he cheated or when we fight and I can already feel it affecting me. I honestly think that's why I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind now. I can't keep everything inside. I need to talk to people.

So there is hope and I guess that makes me feel a little better, but 6 months is such a long time!