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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Freida said:
wow! i take off for a couple days and have to work my happy ass off to catch up with all the work you've done!
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Ahh!! You didn't have to do that!! But I really appreciate your effort :hug: I hope you've been well! Not that I was stalking you, but I noticed that you were absent yesterday (or so) and I hoped you were taking good care of yourself!

Freida said:
Even doctors don't "cure" they create an environment for healing that the patient uses.
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Oh, that's interesting

My therapist liked that too... I finally admitted to her today about the Fungus thing. She got excited -- not weirded out -- and said all the pieces were fitting together for her about why I've been where I am now. She's really glad I told her this time. In the past I alluded to it weirdly. I couldn't usually remember being Fungus, because Fungus and I couldn't know each other's experiences. Sometimes Brandi would quiz me to make sure I wasn't remembering what she told Fungus. But also when I did mention it, it was with fear and i didn't give enough information to figure out what was going on. I even told my therapist i was tricking an Indian friend I had at the time. Trying to get her help on my anxiety about Brandi.

My therapist concentrated heavily on the sudden confusion I had when I told Brandi I was Fungus (but I really meant I'm not a fungus, because that's crazy). Therapist told me it really doesn't seem like Brandi believed I was a fungus, but she did need someone to control and give her that space to get affection like that -- it seems like Brandi was enforcing something.

For example, when I went to Iceland, I had to prepare months in advanced -- I had to give Fungus a new character trait, which was that he needed to rest every three months or so for about two weeks. I eventually scheduled one for when I would be in Iceland.

My therapist says this may be what most of my discomfort in Iceland was -- and why I seem to have trouble voicing what was bothering me, because I loved Iceland otherwise. And the people there were awesome :D

But while I was in Iceland, Brandi texted me, in her timezone. And my phone couldn't hold a charge (still can't) so I was trying to remind her to use her coping skills, remember goals, etc -- and she said, "I get it. You're in Iceland. You don't have time for me."

Basically. So... pretty odd thing to say, unless (1) you know there is no talking/texting Fungus, or (2) you are upset that it seems like there is no talking/texting Fungus

Very odd, either way

But anyway, Therapist told me that it makes sense that my brain glitched out the night I told Brandi I was Fungus. Because I, littleoc, could only use my Message app, and Fungus could only use Spark (an email app made by a group of cool kids). But I told Brandi that I was Fungus through Spark, and gave her my full name and address to prove it. (And, I referenced a time Brandi offered to help me write it in a novel... said if the offer stood I'd be willing to tell her everything she didn't yet know about Everything. I am very glad she didn't accept -- she has never finished much of anything and doesn't really know how to turn ideas into organized novels, which is okay.)

Brandi started flooding both Spark and Message with hateful texts. I couldn't figure out what was even happening, so I didn't answer half of them. None from Message. I got so confused that I missed major appointments -- which I NEVER miss. One included a career center appointment, which meant a lot to me.

My therapist sees what I mean now, by having real friends and not knowing it -- because I thought being controlled by Brandi was friendship. My real friends knew something was wrong, but RESPECTFULLY let me keep my privacy and open up only if I wanted to. But that night was the worst night I ever had, and my real friends kept me with them until after midnight because I was a bit torn up.

Scared that Brandi was going to hurt herself, scared I ruined her life, scared I had made a mistake by telling her, and also Fungus really wanted to talk to her and it was so confusing.

I told my therapist today that that night was worse than the first time I was sexually assaulted as a ten-year-old. She explained that at least I knew who I was during the assault. That wasn't the confusing part of that.

So... yeah. My therapist knows that now. That's exciting, because I was not labeled a criminal. She told me it doesn't matter who was at fault -- I have assumed all this time that Brandi was 100% honest all the time, but... she wasn't. And that what happened was a perfect storm, not something I was equipped to handle like the average not-abused-Joe.
 
Oh -- I also did not do EMDR after all.

I was too sick, it seems. I was lightheaded, dizzy, nauseous, in pain, and unwell. She could tell even though I was hiding it. She asked me about it. Recommended that I go to an urgent care clinic. I'm still going to wait a bit though -- because I'm positive it will clear up.

But the therapist said I've been having this problem for months, just somewhat less severe. I agree... I was having slowly worsening problems for a while now. Even during comps. Attributed that to stress. But anyway, no EMDR, because the feelings of unwellness would likely distract me and make EMDR too difficult, she says.

I am slightly more concerned because my mom is. Which might just be me worrying? But this entire time I was certain I was just wringing it for attention and making it worse than it really was for attention, so I was ignoring it. But then my mom started suggesting I go to a doctor soon, maybe. She asked if my main physician knows about this. Which made me very uncomfortable because my mom usually is the one telling me I'm just exaggerating for attention.

To be fair my dad only cared if I was sick. Because assets getting sick is like a car with a messed up part.

I care a lot about illness in others, but not like that.

So... I dunno. I can't imagine going to a doctor right now. I called my doctor claiming I had a mild stomach bug and she told me to go on a BRAT diet -- bananas, rice, applesauce, and "toast" lol. I tried adding yogurt, also ate a Lunchable because those are mild and I can tell I'm hungry. Haven't eaten much in a couple days at least... three? Probably what's making me light headed?

I'm trying to eat women's multivites (although I stole a couple of my twin's men's vites becuse they taste amazing... he tsked at me and reminded me that I've been using his deodorant.. oops lol) but I'm aware that if I'm not consuming enough fat, I'll absorb the vitamins poorly. But I added some butter to help slightly if possible.

I recently was tested for MS in a cheap way (close eyes, hold out arms, see if I can keep my balance okay) and I passed and so did not need to spend money on a neurologist. A bit later I got an MRI on my brain looking for large structural damage after the TBI (with surprisingly good results!) and there was no indication of MS. Blood tests did not find too much evidence of atrophying muscles.

I have a grandmother who died from complications of MS while still very young, and her brother(?) had Parkinson's, so I needed to be checked after I started getting numb in odd places. Numb genitals scared me the most. I said I was not clumsy though -- then later fell down stairs and got diagnosed with a TBI. And told it was a cumulative injury as well, which is why Worker's comp wasn't willing to pay for everything(?). (They paid for all tests.)

Later I went to physical therapy, and determined the sudden weakness and numbness was brought on by the way I was walking. I limped.

Next day I was walking with a different gait. I guessed it was my mood.

Also, started getting severe pain. Thought it was related to my dead ovary that had a busted cyst once. The most painful ultrasound I've even been through, about a month ago, determined I had no cysts on my ovary. Normal blood flow.

Stunned the doctor, because the pain was horrible there. It was the ovary that caused my 8-month period that left me dangerously anemic in 2015/6(?) and then suddenly quit and left me having no period for a year afterward. I had a beard during that year. It was awesome (though annoying to trim). Am on hormones that fixed it. MRI brain people say my brain hemispheres are far apart like a male's, that they had seen that in diagnosable transgender things, and asked me if I felt female or male. Had to tell them I can't answer questions about my identity. They apologized for asking while I was confused.

Now my physical therapist is stumped, because exercises aren't improving my back strength. She tells me not to worry, though, because it will take 6-8 weeks to see improvement, but she then said to stop the exercises for my back altogether and come in later because something isn't right. It's been several weeks.

But I'm very certain I don't have MS. I had that scare already, so..

But anyway, I need to figure this out so I can do more EMDR.

Luckily, everything is more difficult when you have PTSD :)

Is it possible that the PTSD is what's causing the problem...?

I remember my friends joking that I am hardy and never get sick, but when I do it's time to prepare the ER. It's sort of true.. when I got strep, I lost the ability to breathe.. it had gotten into my lungs. Most. Painful. Pneumonia. Ever.

Then I got strep and influenza at the same time... needed a proctor to help me. I had given away my inhaler from the strep pneumonia thing...

Also, I tripped and messed up both my knees once. Refused to acknowledge it until I collapsed after a dissociation (I apparently didn't know my knees were messed up) and paramedics had to take my vitals because I was deemed too confused to properly refuse an ambulance. (Long story, all Alexis's fault while trying to feel important.. but the paramedics had to do what they knew was right.. and to be fair, I could tell them the date or my age, so I see where they were coming from.)

I was really hoping that if I typed this out I would have an idea of what's going on magically... no clue still. Just a headache :(

I already have a $1000+ medical bill I'm playing off... I was sort of hoping to just ignore medical stuff. So to be way too honest I plan to shove it off unless (1) I get another warning sign that it's not getting better, OR (2) it does not improve in seven days, OR (3) it reoccurs for the _th time (one more time). If any of those happen, I'll just go see a doctor. I like professionals
 
I think my brain is finally getting it.

I had a dream that Brandi came back to my house and just walked in. She acted happily and like nothing was wrong. She was chubby like I remember but still nice looking. And she was showing me affection. Hugs. Things I can't really do without, but that I get from no one else.

In my past dreams I would immediately start to hang out with her again. It was a "missing your ex dream."

When Brandi came upstairs in this dream, I was unknowningly hiding behind something while my mom and sister were playing on the computer. The house was in the state it was when I was a kid, and I was a young child (I was always hiding). I wasn't freaked out about her, but about how my mom would react.

My mom did not react. So kid me suddenly realized I had to make a decision.

So I went outside and Brandi followed me. Jamie was with her.

There was a light layer of snow on the ground. The service dog was a puppy and I was a child, but Brandi was an adult.

Brandi hugged me and started talking excitedly about things. I was relieved she was being so nice to me. Relieved she was forgiving me for everything.

Suddenly I got overwhelmed by all the cars, including hers, because there were tow trucks and maintenance cars everywhere. I thought it looked like when the police were everywhere when my dad tried to kill my mom over several hours. I started to look overwhelmed and cry a bit.

Brandi went, "Awwww, it's okay," but in a good mood kind of way, like you would at a kid, and then hugged me. When I fell into the snow a moment later she was trying to get me to watch leaves grow. I felt loved.

But, not. Because I knew no problems had been solved. And, kid me suddenly got angry that Brandi was treating me like a kid. This situation was serious to me, not something to be dismissed.

So, dream me stopped accepting affection. I thought about running into the woods with baby service dog (i guess not a SD yet, though, lol) to hide. But instead I turned to her and told her that we could not just become friends again, and that was the real reason I brought her outside.

She was going to have to put effort into healing our relationship. She was going to have to learn to take responsibility, too, and she was going to have to understand why she was toxic.

And, moreover, I just straight up didn't want to be her friend anymore. I gave her room to change for a year, and she didn't. Now? She was just trying to hug her way back into my life, knowing I love affection. But it wasn't going to work this time.

In the dream I got stronger and felt older, and service dog got older too. I was no longer on the verge of falling over from weakness. And brandi, looking stunned, said in the dream, "But it WAS your fault."

I told her that THAT was the reason we could not be friends. I don't put up with that anymore.

She acted criticized and reminded me that I was abusing her.




It's weird because everything in the dream sort of happened at one point, except for me standing up for myself.
 
In reality, a lot of it happened, I mean.

But I'm happy that my brain realizes finally that I don't need to accept Brandi if she wants back into my life. In fact, I really don't want her in my life again. She's hateful unless she wants something. And if she's with Jamie, she only wants money from me anyway, it seems.

I do remember, during our talks with me as Fungus, that Brandi would say often that she felt ridiculous talking to me and hoped she didn't look stupid, because she felt stupid. So... why did she keep messaging me, then? Was it manipulation?

Who knows. I can't get into her head. At least in my head the link between us is getting thinner and thinner. I never want to be near anyone like her again. I deserve better than that.
 
Also I have a robin egg and I'm really hoping that the wildlife people help me out soon because if the guy hatches then that's problematic legally and also my cockatiel wants to be a mom so bad and it might break her?

That cockatiel has been through a LOT though, she's pretty resilient. I love birds and bird eggs -- just don't think I can care for a baby right now and also it's illegal anyway :P
 
littleoc said:
My therapist knows that now. That's exciting, because I was not labeled a criminal. She told me it doesn't matter who was at fault -- I have assumed all this time that Brandi was 100% honest all the time, but... she wasn't. And that what happened was a perfect storm, not something I was equipped to handle like the average not-abused-Joe.
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littleoc said:
I told her that THAT was the reason we could not be friends. I don't put up with that anymore.
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OMG hunny this is fantastic!!!!! I am so very very excited for you!!! this is huge, huge growth!!! You are finally standing up for you...for @littleoc . You are taking back your power and becoming someone who can stand up for themselves and what they want. I'm totally happy dancing for you!
 
I'm at the university again, and I wandered over to the dining hall.

I managed to eat mashed potatoes and gravy and Mac n cheese last night, along with a chicken leg -- had some pain, but kept it in!

So I'm going to try to eat a full meal. The dining hall is an all-you-can-watch style and the food is practically homemade (I worked on the farm here and delivered to/harvested for the dining hall many times, so I even know where the food comes from!). So, should get me a lot of nutrients (and fats so the multivitamin will matter more!).

But, as I walked into the dining hall, the man at the front desk recognized me. He smiled and said that I've always been kind to him and his coworkers, so he let me in for free :) :) :) :) :laugh:

Also, it's nice being in a place where people don't yell, "Look, a puppy!" ever few minutes, lol
 

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