"coming Out" - Where Do I Go From Here?

[Casey_03]

This is the first time I am admitting that I was a victim. And it's taken me almost 10 years. When I was 20 years old, my fiancé at the time suffered a psychotic break and tried to kill me. It wasn't a quick thing; it went on for several hours. He'd been using coke for 3 days straight (new to him at the time, though it had become clear at that point that he was an alcoholic). I had stopped by to check on him, unaware of his condition, and at some point he attacked the guy who was living with him. He looked determined to kill him, so I jumped in.

That's when he decided to direct all of his rage at me. He didn't seem to recognize me, and I certainly didn't recognize him. The other guy ran off, promising to call the police. They never came. No one did. I was there for several hours. My fiancé vowed to not let me leave the apartment and said he was going to torture me. He kept his word. I took a knife to the chest, and various other injuries. I was completely ready to die and expected it. I was actually happy; I felt a huge sense of release.

But I didn't die. I got up at some point and fought back, escaped. Drove myself to the hospital. And didn't tell a soul about what had happened. I called my family and said I'd been in a car accident, told my boss at work the same thing. I'm sure plenty of people would judge me for handling it that way, but the truth is I couldn't stand the thought of being a victim. Of family and friends showing up and looking at me with pity on their faces. I turned stone that day and couldn't cry for years.

I had been scheduled to go through several weeks of "defensive tactics" training for my job, which involved knife defense and hand to hand combat. Rather than dealing with what had happened to me, I pushed it down as far as I could and went through this training. I still had injuries. But like I said, I'd turned into stone. I felt nothing.

For years now, I have felt nothing. I have been unable to admit that I was a victim and that it is okay for me to be damaged from the incident. I moved overseas and learned a new language, in some weird attempt to reprogram my brain and become a new person, forget what happened. But it has caught up with me, as I should've known it would. Nightmares, panic attacks and general anxiety. I don't believe in warmth and love and all those things that we've been programmed to live for ... so I don't really know where to go from here. How to build relationships when I expect others to harm me, how to feel. I realize I've been avoiding dealing with this for years, both by self-medicating with alcohol and being an adrenaline junkie. Any feedback would be appreciated. I just needed to finally admit to myself that I have a problem.

 

[Echo]

It took me ten years after being raped to name it to myself, too. I tried to tell someone (my then boyfriend) but he rejected me sexually and emotionally and so I stuffed it down inside myself again (for another 20 years). It has now come and got me. Please seek help from a trauma therapist, if you haven't already. I don't know if you have a diagnosis yet, but no-one can deal with such things on their own. The lack of support after the trauma happened (in your case and mine) is believed to predispose us to developing PTSD, so the sooner we can get support, the better.

I hope you also find lots of support here on the forum - I have. There are also various useful articles.

None of it was your fault. Not what happened, nor how you responded. It just was. Let the shame and blame rest with the person who did this to you. I turned into a piece of metal or dissociated in many ways, and, like you, was successful in a number of fields, and then it comes and gets you when your life is safe enough to deal with it. I wish you every luck in finding the right help.

 

[duff]

First!! Your honesty here in this very post is a HUGE huge big and beautiful and brave thing of "doing something."

I think saying it out loud and letting it be real is one of the biggest, hugest things I've done in my own process, so I just want to acknowledge that and celebrate it for you.

The next decisions will present themselves to you, like this: do you have a therapist? Do you have other forms of life support? Do you have a plan and practice of engaging in self-care? All of those things are important to have in place before you begin digging up the deeper stuff. So I would ask you about those things, first. And again, just want to recognize how big the honesty is that you've showed us here.

 

[I<3GeorgeGlass]

First of all, congratulations for taking this first huge step of "coming out." It took me many years to be able to do the same with my own trauma, so I know how difficult it can be. Message boards like this are a huge help, bridging the gap between suffering in silence and having to tell somebody face-to-face (which is oftentimes WAY too overwhelming at first!)

I also stuffed my trauma down, fully expecting to be able to move on as if nothing had happened. Shock can do that to you. Please know that there is nothing wrong with you for doing that. You were suffering from complete overload, and many people in traumatic situations do the same thing. I'm so sorry that it happened in the first place, and also that nobody was able to help you get through it sooner. It's a tragedy that so many people suffer in silence because they are unable to ask for help in their shocked confusion, yet they hide it so well that nobody else knows that they need help.

What next? Keep going. Do you see a therapist regularly? If not, will you please find one? Stuff like this does not go away on its own (as you've noticed) and while it may seem scary or hard or unnecessary or expensive (or any number of things that will prevent you from doing it), getting help to process this stuff can bring so much peace and relief. You don't need to keep suffering in silence. We humans are incredibly resilient, and we can relearn things like warmth and love. It may be hard to believe, but it's true.

Here's what I find works the best for me:
Therapy (it took a little while, but I slowly built a relationship with my therapist. Learning to trust somebody else in a safe environment is teaching me how to foster relationships in the real world. Allowing her to get to know me has helped me heal, and feeling cared for makes me feel like I'm worth knowing, worth being here. Plus, she helps with problem-solving and other stuff)

Journaling (sometimes it just helps to ramble in between sessions, and to keep a record of progress. It helps to bring up things that I want to process in therapy, and "empties out" my brain when it feels overwhelmed.)

Reaching out (it can be easier to confide in somebody beneath the cloak of anonymity, so keep that as an option if you need to talk about this but feel too intimidated by an in-person situation. But also keep in mind the importance of being around people - isolation can lead to a pit of despair. Even if you don't talk about exactly what's bothering you, just being around people can help.)

Exercise (not necessarily adrenaline-pumping activities, but moving around enough to get some endorphins going and help you feel good. I like weight lifting and yoga a lot. I would imagine that adrenaline-junkie type activities could be exhausting and depleting, so please listen to your body and honor that)

Proper nutrition (nutrition and mood are closely linked. I find that junk food makes my mood plummet and anxiety skyrocket, and that meals containing a variety of whole foods make me feel much better. And we need all of the help we can get to deal with this stuff, right? It might even help to visit a doctor and have some general bloodwork run - you could have deficiencies or imbalances that are causing you to feel worse. Thyroid, iron/ferritin, vitamin D, blood count, etc. Taking vitamins in addition to my medication helps a lot.)

Being patient with yourself (this is a hard one, and I need constant reminders. It might be easier for you, but don't worry if it's not. It's all a part of this natural reaction to trauma. Be kind to yourself.)

I hope some of this is helpful! Wishing you the best

 

[intothelight]

Hi Casey,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!:)

I can relate to what you are saying about the "victim" and honestly, I don't look at myself as a victim. I was victimized, but I am a survivor, and yes there was damage, but I can learn to recover. If I let the event define me and how I live my life, then I am a victim, but if I choose deal with the aftermath and do the best I can to turn it into something good, learn from it, or not let it define me, then I am a thriver.

Recovery and reclaiming life on your own terms is a journey. Dealing with addictions, health issues, and really living as healthy a lifestyle as possible are the basics as our minds and bodies are connected. Replacing negative coping skills with positive is another step. A trauma therapist is invaluable and can really help a person reach their goals. Just keep in mind it takes time.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Debbie

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @Casey_03 and welcome to the forum!

I agree with what @Echo and @intothelight have said.

I've bounced between "being ok" and "not being ok," for many years.

I think the first thing I would recommend is to try to "reframe" the way you're seeing yourself. You WERE a victim (during the attack), now you ARE a survivor.

The second, and most vitally important, thing I would like to recommend is, if you haven't already done so, please seek out a specialized trauma therapist. Trauma therapists differ greatly from "general" therapists. I've seen many, many therapists over the years but only recently have begun working with a trauma therapist and I cannot speak highly enough of the difference.

Again, welcome to the forum! I hope you will find the support and understanding that I have.

:)

 

[Casey_03]

Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot to know I'm not alone. I do not currently have a therapist, unfortunately, but am in need of finding one. Does anybody know of any trauma therapists who offer sessions via Skype? I'm located overseas, hence my difficulty in finding a good therapist.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, everyone said so many wise and good things. Getting help for you now is a priority for you so please do not get discouraged or give up.

I congratulate you on taking the first giant step in talking about what happened to you.

I agree with the others, it is not your fault and at the time you were his victim, but now you are a survivor and so worth getting help for you to work through this and get yourself back.

It is a journey of learning and growing and working through all of the trauma. It will take as long as it takes.

I am glad you are here because I have received so much good help here from these wonderful people and you are not alone now and can get much support here now.