Relationship Communication Issues

[Sighs]

When it gets down to brass tacks... I go to extremes. As in, pick the absolute most I am willing to do under any circumstances and be happy with. Do that. From that point onward chips fall as they may. Cause I'm literally done. There is nothing left for me to do or say. I've already done everything I'm going to do about it, and said everything I'm going to say. There's no longer anything to argue about.

I've learned to present this to who I'm dating, first, instead of just doing it. They may not need/want as much as I'm willing to give. Or they may want more. Which means we break up.

Starting a new thread so as not to hijack the original. @FridayJones' comment above got me thinking...

As the supporter I feel like I am already doing the absolute most I am able to do without throwing myself under the PTSD bus. Yet it is often not enough apparently. For example, I got hauled over the coals (albeit in a calm measured tone) for failing to wipe out the fridge more regularly. Um... I have a full time job, pay half the bills, help out in the yard, do all the grocery shopping and 90% of the housework. You know what buddy? Wipe out the friggin fridge yourself.

For the first year or so I simply busted my gut to improve - to do more - to work harder. Now I'm over it and I tend to get angry and tell him that if its not good enough I'm out. Over it. I'll go back to my home state where my family live. Not surprisingly, he sees this as me having one foot out the door of our relationship.

Sigh! I guess we need to talk about things when we are both calm.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

When hubby and I first moved into our own place together he would often threaten to move out during a row. That made me feel insecure and disposable, and like he wasn't committed to working through our problems. We talked about it, and he stopped.

I completely understand what you mean about initially trying harder, but I too reached a point where I questioned why I was always the one compromising?

I totally agree with the "if you want it done, you do it, especially since it doesn't bother me and this is not a PTSD issue".

Sometimes it does feel like I have to negotiate my way through two different relationships; one just him and me, and the other him, me and PTSD IYSWIM?

 

[Sweetpea76]

At times I end up apologizing for stuff HE does... I have NO ideas how in the word things get wrangled that way, then I get aggravated later on when I realize what I did.

 

[Kita5789]

I find myself in a similar situation more often than I'd like with my partner also. I feel like I try and try and compromise and put forth so much effort and still sometimes end up feeling like it's not good enough. Sometimes I'm like geez, how is it possible or fair that I usually seem to be the one doing things wrong? Sometimes I just want her to own up and say sorry and realize she messes up too. But at the same time, I know she knows she's not perfect and messes up and her self esteeM doesn't need that reminder. Sigh. I have learned to try to pick my battles and try my best to let things roll off my back if they aren't too serious. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!

 

[Kita5789]

Also, @Purplemunchkin what did you do/change after you questioned why you were always the one compromising?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Hi @Kita5789. I stopped doing it every time.

Not everything is down to PTSD. So when that isn't a factor I no longer automatically concede.

He didn't like it at first as I'd spoiled him, and he was used to getting his own way. But this is probably when we really started to communicate much better.

If it's a PTSD issue then I will still often put his needs first, although there are still limits and boundaries in place.

 

[Miss Lissa]

I'm so glad I found this thread today after an argument with my sweetie yesterday because I rolled my eyes at something he said.
For once, I was too tired to walk on eggshells and rolled my eyes as he went on a small rant, which led to a small argument about me being disrespectful.
Granted, yes, rolling my eyes is disrespectful so I did apologize. But I said I was tired and didn't respond as I should have. He said I shouldn't have to tiptoe around him. Lol
I know he wants that, but with the irrationality of the PTSD, I have to.
He said that if he's acting rude I should mention it, but I had to explain that most of the time I can't; because it's the PTSD, not him, or it will set him off. (Sigh)

At least we had the conversation, but as someone said earlier, it's hard when they throw out the "I'm leaving card" so casually. My man doesn't even remember that he says it when he's calmer later, but it doesn't help my insecurities.

Thanks for the similar stories, it always helps.

 

[Fickleme]

I hate that we are all going through this, but it brings some comfort that we all experience similar situations. I have a hard time making sense of the "I'm done/ I'm leaving/ this isn't working" followed by great times together. It makes it difficult to know what my vet is really feeling and when the PTSD talking. I've been living with my vet the past 6 months but this weekend I am moving out to give both of us some space. At first I saw it as a step backwards, but now I'm actually looking forward to it. Living on eggshells takes such a toll on me.

A couple weeks ago somebody on here posted asking what silly things we do to keep the peace at home and to avoid conflict with our vet. I constantly wipe down counters, triple check all the dresser drawers are pushed in all the way, line my towel up perfectly on the towel rack, blow dry my hair when he isn't at the house. It sounds all so silly and probably like I'm living in my own little hell, but it makes life go more smoothly.

Yesterday I didn't make the bed up very well and the blankets weren't even on both sides. I was criticized for the bad job I had done and how could I possibly think that looked good. I normally can let this type of thing go but I was so tired of it all that I threw the corner of the comforter up and told him I was sick of getting yelled at for these little things. Of course it made a huge fight and we've hardly spoken since. I left for work with tears streaming down my face and for the first time I think I may be ready to throw the towel in, I have so little fight left in me.

My vet is medicated although I'm not sure how constisntly he takes his medicine and he goes to therapy once a week. I do consider myself lucky that he accepts there is a problem and he is attempting to make it better.

It's hard to not compare my relationship to others. I want to be able to plan for the future without the worry of " will we be on good terms or will be be needing space?" My brother and his gf are planning a trip to Italy in 2017, but I'm nervous to plan a trip for the month of March with my vet. I just wish there was a little more stability. I am currently looking for my own personal therapist to work with to try and figure all this out. I have found it is too difficult to speak with family and friends who don't understand the nature of PTSD. I find so much comfort from this website and pretty much hop on here whenever I'm feeling down of anxious about my own situation. Thank you all for being so open about your lives and sharing with us all.