Hello,
So appx 16 months ago, I had a really bad experience on ecstasy. I used about 8 times in 4 1/2 months, about 2 weeks apart each time averaging 1-2 pills.
During my last two experiences, I was dealing with some emotional issues with my first love, and during my LAST trip, my world came CRASHING down. She told me she liked someone else, and that we were over and started getting with this guy in front of me while i was high (we were in a club) and my trip turned dark, and SCARY. I LOST my mind that night, the scariest experience I've EVER endured, and since that night I thought my life was over. Since that night I have not been the same. I relived that night a million times, replayed EVERY different scenario that would have changed the outcome, and remember literally every word I said that night to a T. I started panicking daily, became severely depressed like i was losing my mind, really bad depression and insomnia coupled with crazy weight loss.
At the beginning I was CONVINCED I had irreversible brain damage from using E, and that was the cause of my problems, but not until I seen a neurologist was I diagnosed with PTSD, but still never believed it.
I was the most HYPERVIGILANT person I've ever witnessed, I literally looked f*cking scary in the mirror. Like, I couldn't look or talk to people for ever, and had to take 4 sleeping pills a night to get 3 hours of shut eye. I could not STOP my mind, it was constantly racing and feeling all sorts of pressurized and stuff.
Then about 7 months later, I used again (stupidly drunk), and had a weird trip where I depersonalized because I was with people I couldn't talk to and felt isolated and ever since that night i've been sleeping like a rock, it cured my anxiety, rid me of my insomnia, and depression, buts its left me feeling NUMB.
Now, I have NO emotions, not hypervigilant (at least then you feel anxiety, which IMO is overwhelming of emotions) nothing. I have NO thought process, a VERY blank mind, like you know that voice inside your head? that internal monologue? I don't have one. I don't think ANYTHING at all, I don't feel ANY anxiety, and I can't connect with anyone or anything. It feels like im half asleep or on auto pilot all the time. There's times where I wake up hungover and feel my barriors down, and start to think, but then I panic and go numb.
I don't know if this is PTSD or brain damage from the drugs.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Basically, I feel stupid, have no feelings of anxiety, emotions or depression, just blankness, with no thoughts, I can't for the life of my understand OTHER people, like I have no theory of mind of other people, and I lack a thought process, I really can't compose a single thought in my head really, its like just blank, like a severe mental block. It makes me feel stupid, i can't follow tv shows, or process the emotions that they "expect" the viewers to interrupt to feel empathetic for the character. I just feel SOOO detached from life, like im literally not experiencing it. Before when I was hypervigilant I was OVERLY experiencing it, now its the opposite.
I also went through some crazy emotional trauma during my drug experimentation, lost my friends after that night, and basically felt rejected, and now whenever an emotional connection appears I feel weird, like I'm not worthy and its like a warning goes off in my brain about connecting again because it hurt me so bad.
what does this lack of emotional/social/academic intelligence, and blank mind in sound like to you, PTSD or brain damage? I also have a HORRIBLE short term memory, like a gold fish, literally. Life has lost all its feeling, can't feel depressed, cant feel happy, cant feel sad, life doesn't look dark, just dull and flat, and empty, like nothingness.
I also feel VERY tired all the time, nothing excites me or gets me going (while when I was hypervigilant I was almost maniac), I can sleep FOREVER. I just don't FEEL like im in the world, I don't feel attached to my surrounds, its like my brains stopped integrating stuff, and I'm just some empty robotic shell.
Also, when I drink, smoke weed or do coke (VERY rarely) but when I do, they don't seem the same to me, its like I'm missing part of my brain.
It's like I'm not attached to my thought process, I can feel it going on somewhere, but I cant FEEL it, or get in sync with it, its like I'm outside of it, just numb and empty minded 24/7.
Sorry if this in incoherent, but my cognitive abilities have fallen tremendously.. Also, I seen my ex for the first time in over a year the other day, and shes the reason I'm in thee state kind of, plus alot of other emotional issues, and i couldn't feel a thing! Not ONE emotion for her, NO anxiety, nothing! Just blankkkk.. I don't even feel human, I can look anyone in the eye and not get anxiety over it, like I have no "respect" for entering someone elses world because I cant sense it!
So appx 16 months ago, I had a really bad experience on ecstasy. I used about 8 times in 4 1/2 months, about 2 weeks apart each time averaging 1-2 pills.
During my last two experiences, I was dealing with some emotional issues with my first love, and during my LAST trip, my world came CRASHING down. She told me she liked someone else, and that we were over and started getting with this guy in front of me while i was high (we were in a club) and my trip turned dark, and SCARY. I LOST my mind that night, the scariest experience I've EVER endured, and since that night I thought my life was over. Since that night I have not been the same. I relived that night a million times, replayed EVERY different scenario that would have changed the outcome, and remember literally every word I said that night to a T. I started panicking daily, became severely depressed like i was losing my mind, really bad depression and insomnia coupled with crazy weight loss.
At the beginning I was CONVINCED I had irreversible brain damage from using E, and that was the cause of my problems, but not until I seen a neurologist was I diagnosed with PTSD, but still never believed it.
I was the most HYPERVIGILANT person I've ever witnessed, I literally looked f*cking scary in the mirror. Like, I couldn't look or talk to people for ever, and had to take 4 sleeping pills a night to get 3 hours of shut eye. I could not STOP my mind, it was constantly racing and feeling all sorts of pressurized and stuff.
Then about 7 months later, I used again (stupidly drunk), and had a weird trip where I depersonalized because I was with people I couldn't talk to and felt isolated and ever since that night i've been sleeping like a rock, it cured my anxiety, rid me of my insomnia, and depression, buts its left me feeling NUMB.
Now, I have NO emotions, not hypervigilant (at least then you feel anxiety, which IMO is overwhelming of emotions) nothing. I have NO thought process, a VERY blank mind, like you know that voice inside your head? that internal monologue? I don't have one. I don't think ANYTHING at all, I don't feel ANY anxiety, and I can't connect with anyone or anything. It feels like im half asleep or on auto pilot all the time. There's times where I wake up hungover and feel my barriors down, and start to think, but then I panic and go numb.
I don't know if this is PTSD or brain damage from the drugs.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Basically, I feel stupid, have no feelings of anxiety, emotions or depression, just blankness, with no thoughts, I can't for the life of my understand OTHER people, like I have no theory of mind of other people, and I lack a thought process, I really can't compose a single thought in my head really, its like just blank, like a severe mental block. It makes me feel stupid, i can't follow tv shows, or process the emotions that they "expect" the viewers to interrupt to feel empathetic for the character. I just feel SOOO detached from life, like im literally not experiencing it. Before when I was hypervigilant I was OVERLY experiencing it, now its the opposite.
I also went through some crazy emotional trauma during my drug experimentation, lost my friends after that night, and basically felt rejected, and now whenever an emotional connection appears I feel weird, like I'm not worthy and its like a warning goes off in my brain about connecting again because it hurt me so bad.
what does this lack of emotional/social/academic intelligence, and blank mind in sound like to you, PTSD or brain damage? I also have a HORRIBLE short term memory, like a gold fish, literally. Life has lost all its feeling, can't feel depressed, cant feel happy, cant feel sad, life doesn't look dark, just dull and flat, and empty, like nothingness.
I also feel VERY tired all the time, nothing excites me or gets me going (while when I was hypervigilant I was almost maniac), I can sleep FOREVER. I just don't FEEL like im in the world, I don't feel attached to my surrounds, its like my brains stopped integrating stuff, and I'm just some empty robotic shell.
Also, when I drink, smoke weed or do coke (VERY rarely) but when I do, they don't seem the same to me, its like I'm missing part of my brain.
It's like I'm not attached to my thought process, I can feel it going on somewhere, but I cant FEEL it, or get in sync with it, its like I'm outside of it, just numb and empty minded 24/7.
Sorry if this in incoherent, but my cognitive abilities have fallen tremendously.. Also, I seen my ex for the first time in over a year the other day, and shes the reason I'm in thee state kind of, plus alot of other emotional issues, and i couldn't feel a thing! Not ONE emotion for her, NO anxiety, nothing! Just blankkkk.. I don't even feel human, I can look anyone in the eye and not get anxiety over it, like I have no "respect" for entering someone elses world because I cant sense it!
