Relationship Complex Ptsd And Lying In Relationships

[twopenny]

I have noticed about hub that he gets very defensive when he gets found out, because half the time when he's done silly stuff, then lied to cover it up, he has no real idea why he did the silly thing in the first place.

Come to think of it, there was one incident, years ago, where he contacted another woman online... I found out by chance because I was cleaning out the internet history and went ballistic at him (this was before either of us was diagnosed). He had no idea why he'd done it, but to him 'online' wasn't the real world, so it wasn't real in his mind. I think there was also a hefty chunk of the idea that 'everybody else has left me, so you will too sooner or later' involved. Once I got through to him that to me it was real, and that it hurt massively, he was horrified, and he never did anything like that again.

 

[presentjoy]

I have a confusing relationship with lying.

Lying about how I feel is certainly common, for reasons stated above. Hard to be honest about how I felt when there was this unspoken directive since before I could speak that my feelings weren't okay.

But when I lie about inconsequential things, which isn't always, but sometimes, like how Kas describes

For me, I lie as a defense mechanism without meaning to. Like if something cost £8.50, I'll say it cost £6.75 or a Fiver, I don't even know why I do it usually, especially to people who won't care if it was double the price I paid for it.

So from those perspectives, yes I lie, I hedge, I try to escape without answering at all or give such a long speech analysing very angle possible with out being direct that everyone else has lost interest or forgotten what the original question actually was by the time I'm finished. But oddly enough, I am one of the most honest people I've ever met - thought that doesn't say a lot. Any way it's never malicious or usually even intentional. I don't know if this helps at all. Sorry for waffling.

These. I relate a lot. I waffle, I hedge, I delay, I evade.
But I am not trying to hurt anyone or be dishonest, or get away with things. Actually trying to *not* hurt people may but part of it.

I do wish I was like Flyaway and just cut the bullpoo.

Anyway I'm in agreement that lying could be some part of a defense mechanism.
I encountered recently the idea of the "double bind" (Gregory Bateson, who was talked about on an interview with a psychologist in relation to trauma) -- Bateson talks about how this is communication that is contradictory, and so whichever we choose we are criticised either way. And this is distressing - which do we choose, when we are put in double binds? It's a no-win. And then the person who set up the double bind might say, "why are you upset??" This can happen pre-verbally. It can feel like there is no way out. It's impossible to formulate a good response. So therefore, I can see lying as a mechanism in this case, even when the double bind isn't present, because we learned that real, honest responses were too dangerous.

I don't know if that makes sense.
I might write a whole post on the Double Bind. I have had notes about it on my desktop for a week.

Sorry if this is a digression.
It just occurred to me that this could be part of lying.

pj

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it's important to separate out "in the moment lying" from "long drawn out lying". Blurting something out due to a defensive stance is the former type. Actively engaging in cheating behavior behind your back is the latter type. Long drawn out lying takes forethought. It takes deliberate decision making. I hope he doesn't cheat again, but this would be a deal breaker for me. It proves he isn't ready for a relationship. I wish you the best.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You have to be careful not to excuse all bad behavior as PTSD. Yes, PTSD symptoms vary, and sufferers cope with their disorder in many different ways... but sometimes the hoof beats come from horses and not zebras. What I'm saying is that men without PTSD will lie to their girlfriends about chatting up strange women too. Sometimes it's just jerky behavior, not PTSD.

 

[Meadowsweet]

To answer a few questions, my boyfriend was physically abused as a child up until his teen years. He had a very, overly strict father who he was scared to death of. His mother turned the other cheek. He has been in therapy a little over 6 weeks. He's been diagnosed with complex PTSD and generalized anxiety. I am not in therapy although I welcome the idea of going with him at some point.

Ok, so it's likely that he will be effected by his feelings towards both men and women. His therapy is in early days and he is showing willing to change those behaviors. So it seems there is a lot of hope there.

Recovery is a step by step thing, that can sometimes be one step forward, two steps back. It's not necessarily overnight. That's why I think it might help for you to speak to a therapist too, to help you to understand certain behaviors (to help you not take them personally) and to know how to set realistic boundaries for him and you.

He is going to therapy and making efforts to change, this seems to demonstrate that he is not using PTSD as any kind of excuse. And he is far from acting like other men who lie. I hope you will continue to look at the positives in him.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

Yes Sweetpea76 I do agree with you. I can't help but think he's lying as a defense mechanism. But yes, men...women...lie and they don't have to have PTSD or any other disorder.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

Thanks Meadowsweet-I couldn't agree more. I am more than willing to go to therapy and he knows that. I think in do time. I thought to leave him be with his therapist for awhile before I start going to one or to join him in his. Yes, he has taken big steps in dealing with his PTSD. He has made improvements. But again, I feel that he needs CBT...we'll see what the doctor does evenutally. I tell him that all the time that I'm proud of him for doing that. It means the world to me. If it wasn't for him going to therapy I honestly don't think our relationship would last. I guess I'm just a little overly anxious to see results and I know it's a long process.

 

[Poledancer2007]

Mine does the same. Caught him and then the we need a break conversation reared its head. Now (as of yesterday) he wants to split up. Is this a defence mechanism or am I been used?

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

I am no doctor but it seems like a defense mechanism to me.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Mine lied a LOT. Now that I know what I know, I can definitely say that for him it was a defense mechanism.
My husband used work as an escape from his suffering. I always felt that he was in search of much more "validation" from work than he was at home. He would travel a lot, and work a lot of overtime and always told me a lie about why it was required. he would always complain about having to go on a work trip, but I know he initiated them.

So, when it came to me complaining about him pulling his weight at home, he would either initmidate me to the point that I couldn't speak. Or he would lie and say he already did it.

Unfortunately, we are set for divorce tomorrow.