Personally I am guessing your past and the people around you and how they acted is probably relevant.
Yes I agree. My parents always manipulated and lied to me and whenever I lied or told the truth, my parents would assume I was just lying. They also told a few parents that I was a liar and I shouldn't be friends with their kids. (to select few. They also liked to keep their image positive.)
It almost sounds to me as if you decided that caring was unhelpful/weak/ ?
Sort of. I also see it as unnecessary. It's a lonely world, but still survivable. There is great vulnerability when you open up to people. I know I don't have to tell them about my past and mental health, but sometimes I just don't see the point in wasting my energy on creating a connection with them. It was noted that I did this when I was younger as well, but I'd keep relationship superficial. If things got too deep, I'd end it or make them mad at me. It was easier.
It sounds like you got into a pattern of gameplaying where you test people and set them up to see how they react. Like a perpetual experiment. Poke this one that way and see what happens. How do you feel in relation to their reactions? If they act in a worse case way what do you feel? And if they act in a better than you expect way how do you feel? What gives you the most satisfaction? What do you expect? Also, could some of this be an indirect expression of rage? Sometimes past harm to us creates wells of rage and it can come our indirectly in our relationships with others (or for some with themselves) at times. Is there a need to see an impact and if you do see one what is your reaction to it?
Worst case would probably be they call me out on my lie. I've come across that situation a lot when I was younger -- when I was still learning how to lie and protect myself. Through that I learned to create plans on how to manage the situation, also to get better at controlling myself. To not get too carried away or give too little less information unless appropriate. An example would be, pretending to get heated about politics and agree with whoever to make them think I'm on their side. (I honestly couldn't care less about politics and usually I stay out of debates unless it's one on one and I'm trying to make a feign connection.) Or I give too little when I want to pretend it's a sensitive topic. Some people who care, won't prod, those who are jerks.. will. And I react based on situation. In relation to them.. I don't really remember since it's been a while. I think I get a big angry, but I've learned to suppress strong emotions and stay calm.
Best case scenario, they accept it and move on. Once they've moved on, I don't push it bring it up again since that's too much information and can make it seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal -- not what I want. Also more room for errors.
When they act better than I feel, I guess it gives a bit of a confidence boost. "Wow. They seriously believed that? That's hilarious. Okay, I've had my fun. Maybe I'll go back to them later."
Most satisfaction, it depends. I've made people believe I had a sick mind and they get uncomfortable or even a bit scared. I'll say things like, with a flat or emotionless face, "Wait.. I don't understand, why can't you do human experiments? Technically doctors are still doing that on patients when testing out a new drug or learning how to do a new procedure. Only difference is they present the experiment formerly and with dignity. They also avoid using "scary" words but really.. is it that bad? Who cares if the patient isn't enjoying it? They signed up for it.. and besides. We need to lower the population." Or sometimes when I come across someone, I'll look at them with curiosity and a bit of smirk saying, "Man.. I'd love to see you in restraints and see how you do when forced to make a decision on dire situations.. Tell me, would you rather kill a young child you don't know or your grandmother?" It's not always that extreme, but that is a bit of my morbidity. Other talk like dead bodies, killing pregnant women, kids, elderly, people in general really.. etc.
Most of the time I do not feel angry or fear, but I will definitely do something if I get annoyed with someone or they mess with someone I care about(my friend) though my friend already knows and will keep me calm saying she'll handle it and that she's okay.
If there is no reaction.. it's just dull all the way through. It's like poking a body with a sharp thin bamboo branch. If they don't react, person is probably dead. If they flinch or scream, that create curiosity or interest. So I keep poking until I get bored of the screaming person.
Do you think there could be a tendency to avoid feeling connection as that brings with it more sense of vulnerably or investment. Nothing authentically invested sometimes means nothing potentially lost. What is the feeling behind the behaviours if you can find it.
yes I do think so. I was also taught at a young age to not express strong emotions unless it was called for.. but at the same time not make a fool of myself. I was punished for crying when my mom scolded or hit me. I was punished if I fought back, spoke back, etc. and if I was too happy about something, she would punish me. I couldn't express anger through body language, I couldn't express affection naturally since it was not there for her. Very young, I did try hugging her for comfort and she pushed me off. I learned how to manage it on my own.. obviously not well, but I'm alive so it's whatever.
What character traits do you think you have associated with strength? Which ones do you think you have associated with weakness?
I guess letting emotions blind you from realistic thinking. Emotional attachments keeps you from taking a life when necessary, saving your own life, poor judgement, etc. But I also think it's a weakness if the person is close minded, quick to anger, uses force and fear to control people rather than sitting down and talking to figure things out. Best to meet in the middle rather than benefit only one over the other.
