Confronting The Lies Of Colluding Family Members Regarding Child Sexual Abuse

[dharmaBum]

Background in brief: I was raped and sexually exploited multiple times from age 11 through 15 by my best friend's older brother. He lived with my family for a few months, and then at his house across the street. I unintentionally disclosed the assaults about a year after they ended, a court case by the state ensued, and he eventually plead guilty to the whole thing. During the police investigation his sister came over to my house, asked for some belongings she had lent to me, and said the police told her she couldn't discuss the matter. She virtually never spoke to me again.

Fast forward 20 years: Our high school reunion is in 2 weeks.

Today's dilemma: Because I was recently involved as a witness in her brother's second child rape case (he is now serving 18 years to life in prison, with an appeal brief due today), I received documents (including a note passed from her to a friend in school) from my original case that show she lied about her knowledge of his assaults against me to the police. Documents from the recent case show that her entire family lied for the offender for the last 20 years and minimized his crimes against me. In specific, the family claimed (to friends and relatives) that at the age of 16 I consensually had sex with him once after sneaking into his room and then reported the incident to the police as rape. That is a total fabrication. Court documents support his guilt, but those are rarely viewed by the public.

When the whole rape court case went down in high school, I didn't tell anyone about it except for my mother and my boyfriend at the time. Because of personal distress and physical illness, I missed many days of school and was eventually expelled. The offender's sister ended up kind of taking my place at school, becoming closer to kids who she knew because of her association with me, joining the yearbook staff- which had been an area of high interest and involvement for me. I returned the next school year, but took up my studies as a hollow shell of my former self as the rape case drug on and I was deeply depressed and suicidal. He had originally plead "not guilty" and police were struggling to find enough evidence for a strong case.

I think that the sister "spread the word" of the family's false story around the school, but this never got back to me. However, I don't remember having many friendships or even friendly experiences at school after the rapes were reported, especially among students we were mutually acquainted with. I see via Facebook that she at least claims an acquaintance with several of my high school friends who didn't seem interested in her at the time.

My questions:
A) What if she did tell all of our/my friends that I falsely accused her brother of rape? And what if they believed her and think I am the kind of person who would do such a thing?
B) How do I prepare to face these folks in the venue of a high school reunion in a city from which I fled and she stayed?
C) Have you ever been in (and through) this type of situation? What did you do?

P.S. I have been in treatment for PTSD (due to the rape traumas and participation in the recent trial) for over a year, am diagnosed with severe depression as well, and experienced ongoing, pervasive child abuse and neglect until I left home at age 17. I get triggered into dissociation when people are unfairly critical and I have a lot of anxiety of this issue!

 

[AdamAnt]

Honestly. If it were me in your situation I probably wouldn't go.

Of course it could be that there is someone there whom you really need to talk to, or who really wants to talk to you....tough call!

 

[dharmaBum]

Thx for weighing in Adam Ant (one of my favorite cartoon characters and 80's era musicians). I do want to go in large part because the reunion is just a common rite of passage and I have hid myself away from so much because of that crazy family. I decided to go to the reunion, and then I found out about the scale of the lying the family had done and continues to do.

Exposure defeats avoidance ay? I'm trying to find some positive and/or realistic depictions of high school reunions, but I can only come up with two media sources:

1. Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion (farcical, but amusing- totally unhelpful in my situation)
2. Party Down: James Rolf High School Twentieth Reunion (realistic, comical, completely dispiriting... The main character who had a bad reputation in high school ends up sinking to the lowest common denominator in a humiliating way)

 

[Jade-]

My situation wasn't anything like yours, but there was an incident when I was 15 where I was taken to the hospital and a rape kit was used on me. They were checking for sperm to press charges against this 20 yr. old guy that had taken me for a couple of days. He told everyone at my school that they found dog sperm(of course not true) but alot of people believed him. It was the talk of the school for months.

I have never been to any of my high school reunions and I avoid the people I went to school with. I just don't want the added stress. So I personally wouldn't go. But if you want the exposure therapy, I wish you luck. It's something I could never do.

 

[AdamAnt]

I applaud you Dharmabum!

I don't know your history, but I'd have to say that pesky PTSD thang is on it's way out the door and into the parking lot and bouncing it's way toward the horizon! i DO hope that's true! You sound very confident and secure that you can handle the situation, and IMHO what you're considering is a huge one.

I didn't go to my highschool reunion cause it was in the 80's and ..well, I had that funny hairdo in all them videos ya know! :)

(actually just between me and you dB, my names not Adam...and I'm not particularly small....I chose the name because it's more relevant if you don't pay any attention to the capitaled letters.

 

[dharmaBum]

Jadebear- how did you deal with the dog sperm rumors? That kind of negativity is traumatizing as well. Did you stay and graduate from that school?

 

[Jade-]

Even though the rumors were hard to deal with, they were the least of my worries at the time. Actually I forgot about that incident until I read your post, it brought it all back.

No, I didn't graduate from that school. I ended up quitting, but I did eventually get my diploma.

Adam, LOL, it was the 80's for me too and I had the Pat Benatar look going on...it was cool at the time though.

 

[dharmaBum]

@Jadebear- I understand the "least of your worries" which is where I think I was at the time as well.

@AdamAnt- Didn't everyone have big hair? I appreciate your caution about the scale of the exposure that I'm taking on. There are many many incidents wrapped up in the various triggers I anticipate the reunion to pull.

Least of all, to my mortification, is that fact that there will probably be (gasp) DANCING!! ARgh- I'm a punk rock/mosh pit jump around ska kind of dancer. But as this is the 20th- it's the 80s once again. I hope they don't play 80s music and expect people to dance to it. I know I can't be the only alumni who has this feeling. I was humiliated several times at dances in high school by my knife-in-the-back "friend".

At least I have taken a bit of time to reclaim a few tunes from the 80s- Tainted Love by softCell, The Tide is High by Blondie, everything done by the Talking Heads. But please- don't play Huey Lewis, Aha, The Cars, and so many others!

 

[dharmaBum]

Viewing a picture of one of the cohort girls amongst our bevy in high school has ramped up the distress! Through analyzing my reaction whilst installing insulation in my attic today I realized that I do not think one person in high school, teacher- student- otherwise- ever talked to me about the rapes. No one ever said, "I'm sorry you went through that..."

The specific girl in question, *M*, I saw going off in a car with the rapist several times after I had made a police report. She even entered his room to spend time alone with him right after he had raped me. I gave her name to the police as a potential victim in both the past and recent case. The police said they contacted her way back when, but that she had nothing to report. Either she had nothing to report- which always confused me because she seemed a likely victim, or she did and continues to conceal her victimization. Regardless of that truth, she never spoke to me about the rapes, and like the poisonous best friend, I don't think she ever spoke to me again.

When I left behind the physical realm of high school, I thought that I had rejected all those negative people and circumstances. However it appears as if they rejected me years before, but I simply didn't catch on. GRIEF!

 

[dharmaBum]

Attended My High School 20 Year Reunion Free Of Panic Attacks!

Success!

I went to the reunion with my husband and a true best-friend from high school who was from a different class. I also had planned to meet up with a classmate there whom I had emailed a few times recently and divulged my anxieties to, revealing the issue of the rapes, old rumors, and the offender’s current incarceration.

I had a GREAT time: a tremendous fun evening with absolutely no sign, hint, or shadow of panic attack

Preparation

The day began with a 5 hour Buddhism retreat with my husband in our new hometown. We practiced movement and meditation exercises designed to cultivate mindfulness (or present-mindedness/single-minded thinking for those unfamiliar) and I frequently “programmed” myself to utilize mindfulness at the reunion as much as possible; to remember the feeling of mindfulness from the retreat and invoke that feeling at the reunion.

And enjoy...

That evening at the club, guests accompanying, I was greeted warmly by a classmate who had my nametag in his hand as I walked in the door- nice touch! Then the closest person inside (my meet-up friend wasn’t there yet) was the one classmate who I felt I owed an apology to for some ruthless “smart-kid” teasing I had engaged in on more than one occasion. She was fabulously friendly and our spouses hit it off! The club was pretty full and people looked very different- although photographs on nametags made it easier to get a sense of who you were talking to.

It was mainly a friendly gathering at a bar with an unintelligible game being emceed while music and chatting was going on. Having another classmate as the club manager was totally the icing on the cake. He gave us the “backstage tour” of the labyrinthine, multi-level club and absolutely made us feel like VIPs- getting our drinks and checking in to chat or see what was up frequently.

Another friendly classmate happened to sit at our table to eat, and again my husband was perfectly social and apparently filled the classmate in on my life story (reader’s digest version) while I was away from the table. The meet-up friend finally arrived, although we didn’t spend much time talking. We were more like butterflies flitting around the flower of our table and interacting occasionally with thankfulness.

No Confrontation

The nemesis never materialized. A few ladies from “her” bevy showed up late into the evening and greeted me warmly with a smile and maybe even a hug- but there was no chatting and they moved on to wherever it was obvious they were going before I waylaid them to say hi.

Did you hear that tumbleweed blow past just now?

There were many folks whom I had been on friendly terms with in high school and yet never said hi to that night, nor did they say hi to me. What I did instead was to focus on heartfelt conversations and or thanks as appropriate with those I noticed an authentically warm or interested connection with and take it from there.

I do not think it was coincidental that everyone sitting around our table I felt happy to see and comfortable with, while many out toward the bar/dance floor looked friendly, but there was no effort at connection from either direction.

Disappointment

I did, unfortunately, drink more alcohol than I intended, but it appeared to have no negative impact on my social interactions at the time. Retrospectively, it is the only element from the reunion attached to significant anxiety. Self-criticism- did I look like a total drunk and/or was I less present and authentic than I wanted to be?



#1. No, I seemed to be on par with the other guests and was given drinks by my friend, so I obviously wasn’t at the far end of the spectrum with alcohol consumption (black outs- serious regrets caused by big mistakes).

#2. Yes, I became a bit giddy with the alcohol and I don’t recall every word that I said or was said to me, which would have been the case had I only had one drink or so. I needed a better plan to manage that aspect, because I was present-minded at the time: I was present-mindedly drinking the gin and tonic and not thinking about what my past experiences or future regrets about gin and tonics might be.

The best part

The fun time at the reunion also helped me to reclaim enjoying the city in general, as my husband and I revisited the restaurant where we had our first date and last night apart 19 years ago. Yep- he stepped into my life 6 months after I graduated high school- he even moved in four blocks away from the school and his parents live there still. And of all things in my life, being loved by him is what I am truly most thankful for.

 

[Sunrise]

What a wonderful climax to this thread.
Made my day and I've been walking round the house saying dharmaBum! i love it.

 

[dharmaBum]

Thank you for sharing your sentiments Sunrise :)